Try as I might I keep failing the tests. The things I Wana do I dont do. The things I Wana say I don't say. What's wrong with me? Why can't I put what God has shown me into practice?
I want so much to speak with Ben. Wana clear things up and tell him that I like him and would like to see how we can work things out.
But once again unable to keep my mouth shut, I push him away.
He has said he is busy yet I get so sensitive with everything he says. How CAN we be friends?
He is really better off without me.
At this point in time I cannot take him as a friend. Don't tink I ever can.
Once again God has to clean up my mess. Don't know what kind of "shit" I have dumped on Ben this time.
How in the world is God going to b able to use me? I try hard to be obedient yet I can't.
Wana cry.
Praise God that despite all the mistakes I make He still loves me. Despite pushing all the people I love away I can't push Him away.
Praise God that He still places angels around me to love me and protect me.
I really want a family. I want to have someone who loves me an enjoys my company. I want to be able to love the person and enjoy his company too.
I feel like I'm so far from it.
Lord give me strength. I can't do this on my own. Feel like I can't ever do it. But I can't give up. Not after I've come such a long way! I can't give up. Yet it feels so difficult.
I wish Ben never contacted me. it has but made things harder. Now I wish he were here or I back in SG. Yet that is not possible. And I duno if it could ever work out between us; especially after all my outbursts.
Why do I do things like that? This is ridiculous. Yet I do it so often!
Lord help me!! I do not know what else I can do. :(
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
30 May 2011 - The Muscle
Starting a new life is easy to declare. But the practical side of it does not come that easy nor that quick.
I did and do wish that the changes can come faster. I guess in this day and age, everything is fast and I want the same for the the changes too!
I have identified what I dont like about myself and dont want. I know God is dealing with me and will make the changes so I can be more and more like Him. But the effort I need to put to get it going too is not fun. :(
Wish it can just disappear and go away! :(
But I guess since I built it up over so many years, its going to take some time to tear it down. Just like a physical healing wound. The operation is done. There is a scar there, the stitches have been removed, but the scar can still be sore when touched. But over time, the scar tissue heals and goes away. :D
I must get stronger. and I will get stronger. Especially if I have been called to be a leader (as I believe I have). Emotional yo yo is not an option anymore. Not that others cant be that way, but if I were going to continue giving in to my flesh and emotions, then the devil can easily control me! I am not clothing myself with the armour of God! Then what is the point? How can God use me? Not that I have to be perfect for Him to use me. He uses all kinds of people. But I dont want to lead my life controlled by the devil or my thoughts and emotions anymore. Enough is enough!
I want a family. I want children. I want them to have a life filled with God's love so they too can move on to do great things. I do believe that God has called my family to do great things for him. Not just me. It is a legacy that I will be leaving. Not just my namesake. Things will change. The world will change. Just as God promised.
I know God is training me to be stronger and to cast my eyes on Him. How I wish it was as easy as declaring it. I wish my thoughts and emotions will not be as wilful as they are. Life certainly would be easier.
But regardless, I know that I will get through it. With God by my side, nothing is impossible!
My Muscles WILL grow stronger. :D
I will persevere!
And I will CONQUER!
I did and do wish that the changes can come faster. I guess in this day and age, everything is fast and I want the same for the the changes too!
I have identified what I dont like about myself and dont want. I know God is dealing with me and will make the changes so I can be more and more like Him. But the effort I need to put to get it going too is not fun. :(
Wish it can just disappear and go away! :(
But I guess since I built it up over so many years, its going to take some time to tear it down. Just like a physical healing wound. The operation is done. There is a scar there, the stitches have been removed, but the scar can still be sore when touched. But over time, the scar tissue heals and goes away. :D
I must get stronger. and I will get stronger. Especially if I have been called to be a leader (as I believe I have). Emotional yo yo is not an option anymore. Not that others cant be that way, but if I were going to continue giving in to my flesh and emotions, then the devil can easily control me! I am not clothing myself with the armour of God! Then what is the point? How can God use me? Not that I have to be perfect for Him to use me. He uses all kinds of people. But I dont want to lead my life controlled by the devil or my thoughts and emotions anymore. Enough is enough!
I want a family. I want children. I want them to have a life filled with God's love so they too can move on to do great things. I do believe that God has called my family to do great things for him. Not just me. It is a legacy that I will be leaving. Not just my namesake. Things will change. The world will change. Just as God promised.
I know God is training me to be stronger and to cast my eyes on Him. How I wish it was as easy as declaring it. I wish my thoughts and emotions will not be as wilful as they are. Life certainly would be easier.
But regardless, I know that I will get through it. With God by my side, nothing is impossible!
My Muscles WILL grow stronger. :D
I will persevere!
And I will CONQUER!
Saturday, May 28, 2011
28 May 2011 - Interesting
It's been for almost a year since God spoke to me that He is taking me up a higher level. I do not know what it meant but I believed it was gona be like Joyce Meyer or Christine Caine. But I am not sure. What did I have that God could use? I was not abused nor did I suffer from huge issues that needed salvation. I was just another ordinary gal.
But there was this "knowing" internally that God had something big for me.
Today Natania pulled me aside and said that God spoke to her about me. I don't know her very well. She has not heard me speak nor does she know what I am like nor what I struggle with.
And this is what she said:-
God told me to tell you that you will be a great leader like Deborah. You will lead His people. Do not be afraid. He will...
I couldn't catch the last part. She repeated it twice but I still could not catch it. I didn't want her to think that I was trying to hear it many times and feel good bout it.
I know that God will confirm thru others and He will bring it to pass. So doesn't matter if I didnt hear the last part. My life is in God's hands. He will do what is needed.
And I praise Him for all things!!
But there was this "knowing" internally that God had something big for me.
Today Natania pulled me aside and said that God spoke to her about me. I don't know her very well. She has not heard me speak nor does she know what I am like nor what I struggle with.
And this is what she said:-
God told me to tell you that you will be a great leader like Deborah. You will lead His people. Do not be afraid. He will...
I couldn't catch the last part. She repeated it twice but I still could not catch it. I didn't want her to think that I was trying to hear it many times and feel good bout it.
I know that God will confirm thru others and He will bring it to pass. So doesn't matter if I didnt hear the last part. My life is in God's hands. He will do what is needed.
And I praise Him for all things!!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
24 May 2011 - Difficult but will see things through
My struggles with trust issue has to and WILL end soon.
I did not realise that I am so affected until a good friend pointed it out to me.
Although I have "let it go" but I still doubt every single response from him. Questioning and second guessing his intentions and if he had any hidden meaning to what he said.
She said to Trust them... but not trust them. I kinda get what she means, cos the only faithful one is God, so the only one I can Trust is really God. At the same time I have to trust people. Especially those whom I call my friends.
I really have to take a step back and view him as a friend, just as I see Ed. I dont second guess how Ed is feeling. There is open communication. He is not second guessing what I am saying nor me getting upset and emotional about what he has said. There are no hidden agendas. I can feel comfortable in his presence and know that when we hang out, he is sincere. His friendship is real. He genuinely cares about me.
I want to care about Ben the same way too. But it is proving rather difficult and I need to take much responsibility for it. I kept him on my mind so much so that I got emotionally attached. This is by no means any fault of his but only mine. Yet he is being punished/penalised for it. And I am really upset with my own behaviour. I want to be proper friends with him and not see him as anything else, just like Andrew and Ed. Yet I am not doing so well in this area.
I know God has given me the grace to see me through this season and this is a learning curve. And I will persevere so that I come out stronger. This is just a test, in preparation for the next level that God wants to take me to. God is waiting for me!
How funny for me to think that I am waiting for God to work His miracles. Hahaha..
All this while, He is just waiting for me to be ready so He can take me to the next level.
I WILL pass this test.
My hopes and faith is in God and not human.
My God is Faithful. He will see me through. He will guide me through and He will help me pass. It is His responsibility to help me pass and He WANTS me to pass. Cos He has great plans for me, so I have no choice but to pass!
AMEN!!
I did not realise that I am so affected until a good friend pointed it out to me.
Although I have "let it go" but I still doubt every single response from him. Questioning and second guessing his intentions and if he had any hidden meaning to what he said.
She said to Trust them... but not trust them. I kinda get what she means, cos the only faithful one is God, so the only one I can Trust is really God. At the same time I have to trust people. Especially those whom I call my friends.
I really have to take a step back and view him as a friend, just as I see Ed. I dont second guess how Ed is feeling. There is open communication. He is not second guessing what I am saying nor me getting upset and emotional about what he has said. There are no hidden agendas. I can feel comfortable in his presence and know that when we hang out, he is sincere. His friendship is real. He genuinely cares about me.
I want to care about Ben the same way too. But it is proving rather difficult and I need to take much responsibility for it. I kept him on my mind so much so that I got emotionally attached. This is by no means any fault of his but only mine. Yet he is being punished/penalised for it. And I am really upset with my own behaviour. I want to be proper friends with him and not see him as anything else, just like Andrew and Ed. Yet I am not doing so well in this area.
I know God has given me the grace to see me through this season and this is a learning curve. And I will persevere so that I come out stronger. This is just a test, in preparation for the next level that God wants to take me to. God is waiting for me!
How funny for me to think that I am waiting for God to work His miracles. Hahaha..
All this while, He is just waiting for me to be ready so He can take me to the next level.
I WILL pass this test.
My hopes and faith is in God and not human.
My God is Faithful. He will see me through. He will guide me through and He will help me pass. It is His responsibility to help me pass and He WANTS me to pass. Cos He has great plans for me, so I have no choice but to pass!
AMEN!!
Monday, May 23, 2011
23 May 2011 - Leaving it to God
I really like him. But he has not responded.
There are a whole lot of reasons. Some could be cos of what I have said - e.g. i am at a shoot. and he might have thought that i would take a long time.
nonetheless, I have not been inspired to speak with him. And if he doesnt make the first move, then I guess this man is not from God. And I want what God wants. No more what Carol wants. God knows better than Carol. So i'll leave it in God's hands. If he is from God, even if i try to run from him, God will hunt me down and bring me into his life. If not, I can try as hard as I can and nothing will happen.
Right now, I refuse to think about this matter. I have laid it down at God's feet. I have left the matter in God's hands. If God doesnt do anything about it, I can forget about trying.
Really hope that he can come in July. Miss him. And look forward to having him at my church during Christmas.
but these are all left in God's hands. I can only wait expectantly.
no more sleepless nights. No more dreams and restlessness.
I will sleep well and I will live well.
Stay healthy, exercise and be healthy.
I believe God is opening up opportunities for me in acting too. Its something I enjoy. And I know that He is only waiting for me.
I am learning alot.
No gossip
No foul language
No negative talk
No negative thoughts
Always bring joy to those around, even at my own expense
always believe God's words over lies of the devil.
There are a whole lot of reasons. Some could be cos of what I have said - e.g. i am at a shoot. and he might have thought that i would take a long time.
nonetheless, I have not been inspired to speak with him. And if he doesnt make the first move, then I guess this man is not from God. And I want what God wants. No more what Carol wants. God knows better than Carol. So i'll leave it in God's hands. If he is from God, even if i try to run from him, God will hunt me down and bring me into his life. If not, I can try as hard as I can and nothing will happen.
Right now, I refuse to think about this matter. I have laid it down at God's feet. I have left the matter in God's hands. If God doesnt do anything about it, I can forget about trying.
Really hope that he can come in July. Miss him. And look forward to having him at my church during Christmas.
but these are all left in God's hands. I can only wait expectantly.
no more sleepless nights. No more dreams and restlessness.
I will sleep well and I will live well.
Stay healthy, exercise and be healthy.
I believe God is opening up opportunities for me in acting too. Its something I enjoy. And I know that He is only waiting for me.
I am learning alot.
No gossip
No foul language
No negative talk
No negative thoughts
Always bring joy to those around, even at my own expense
always believe God's words over lies of the devil.
23 May 2011 - Laughter the Best medicine
A new resolution, a new season!
I have been in "depression" for far too long. Seeing myself through the eyes of self-pity and constantly throwing a pity party for myself. woohoo! what fun... not!
As God gently corrects me and guides me back to His Truth, I start to see hope at the end of the tunnel.
I realised I had been overcome by the spirit of fear.
I also did not take responsibility for my reactions. It was always to do with what someone else did.
But now, things will be different.
I know that God loves me and I have been set free. He has given me a spirit of power and love. That spirit enables me to have a calm and well-balanced mind as well as self-control and discipline.
So, I should be able to control my reactions and behave the way that God wants me to. His laws have been written in my heart, so I know what is good for me.
The fears, spurned by the lack of control, will also have to be washed down the drain; cos God is sovereign. He is in control, even when I feel that I am not. So God knows when is best for me to receive something. God knows who is best to have in my life. And He knows when is the best to defend me and how to do it.
So I shall surrender everything to Him. I will not try to defend myself or my position but submit to authority and surrender to humility.
I will also bring joy and laughter everywhere I go. that's my name anyway - song of joy! so every time my name rests on the lips of people, a song of joy is to accompany it.
Even when i feel that the joke/laughter might have been made in my expense, I will do it. This is my new goal! I know it will take time, cos I have been a certain way for a long time, but with God, nothing is impossible and He has left His Holy Spirit in me to lead me and guide me to do all that He has for me.
I am God's workmanship. He has crafted me to bring joy to those around me and I will live out my purpose.
Praise God and His goodness and may all glory be given unto Him!
I have been in "depression" for far too long. Seeing myself through the eyes of self-pity and constantly throwing a pity party for myself. woohoo! what fun... not!
As God gently corrects me and guides me back to His Truth, I start to see hope at the end of the tunnel.
I realised I had been overcome by the spirit of fear.
I also did not take responsibility for my reactions. It was always to do with what someone else did.
But now, things will be different.
I know that God loves me and I have been set free. He has given me a spirit of power and love. That spirit enables me to have a calm and well-balanced mind as well as self-control and discipline.
So, I should be able to control my reactions and behave the way that God wants me to. His laws have been written in my heart, so I know what is good for me.
The fears, spurned by the lack of control, will also have to be washed down the drain; cos God is sovereign. He is in control, even when I feel that I am not. So God knows when is best for me to receive something. God knows who is best to have in my life. And He knows when is the best to defend me and how to do it.
So I shall surrender everything to Him. I will not try to defend myself or my position but submit to authority and surrender to humility.
I will also bring joy and laughter everywhere I go. that's my name anyway - song of joy! so every time my name rests on the lips of people, a song of joy is to accompany it.
Even when i feel that the joke/laughter might have been made in my expense, I will do it. This is my new goal! I know it will take time, cos I have been a certain way for a long time, but with God, nothing is impossible and He has left His Holy Spirit in me to lead me and guide me to do all that He has for me.
I am God's workmanship. He has crafted me to bring joy to those around me and I will live out my purpose.
Praise God and His goodness and may all glory be given unto Him!
Friday, May 20, 2011
20 May 2011 - A New Life!
Given this new season, new life, I make the decision daily to only praise God.
Everything that I find in my life that is negative, I will turn it over to God and praise Him.
Learning about how I have been controlled by the spirit of fear for the years of my life, I choose NOT to render any more authority to it.
God loves me and His love will overcome everything! Especially fear.
I will leave my trust in Him to provide for me financially, health-wise and emotionally.
He will heal me of all my hurts and pains. Jesus has already taken all my hurts on His body when He was whipped. And although I am still feeling the pain, I know that I am on the road to wholeness and being complete. Healing is a process! And I will healed!
I will put into practice spending time with God in the mornings for thanksgiving, making new decisions daily and re-dedicating my life to Him daily. I know that His mercies and grace are fresh everyday.
I will also pray in tongues every night before I sleep, after I review my day and repent of the sins I committed and ask for forgiveness.
I know God will help me through the Holy Spirit with all my "I wills" cos He loves me and I know that this is what He wants for me.
Yay!
Praise God!
Everything that I find in my life that is negative, I will turn it over to God and praise Him.
Learning about how I have been controlled by the spirit of fear for the years of my life, I choose NOT to render any more authority to it.
God loves me and His love will overcome everything! Especially fear.
I will leave my trust in Him to provide for me financially, health-wise and emotionally.
He will heal me of all my hurts and pains. Jesus has already taken all my hurts on His body when He was whipped. And although I am still feeling the pain, I know that I am on the road to wholeness and being complete. Healing is a process! And I will healed!
I will put into practice spending time with God in the mornings for thanksgiving, making new decisions daily and re-dedicating my life to Him daily. I know that His mercies and grace are fresh everyday.
I will also pray in tongues every night before I sleep, after I review my day and repent of the sins I committed and ask for forgiveness.
I know God will help me through the Holy Spirit with all my "I wills" cos He loves me and I know that this is what He wants for me.
Yay!
Praise God!
19 May 2011- Sonia session 3
This is my new life. A new season!
The session that I have been having with Sonia has been awesome. I starting to see that I can be free of my past!!
The issues are being identified. And there are things that can be done to correct that which has been wrong. There is Hope!
And Joyce's teaching seems as if it was made just for me. It adds to the tools that would help build me up and free me from the bondages of my past and the devil's lies.
What I learnt:-
1. I have a control issue- I get upset when I am out of control
Or when people try to manipulate n control me
2. I don't know how to love myself. Have not been shown how to but that can be corrected! YAY!
3. I have issues receiving but no problems giving. However I cannot give if I am not receiving, cos I will be giving on an empty tank, which drives me down the road of depression.
e.g. I belief I impose on people even when they have said that I don't. I need to rewire my brain that accepting a favour from a friend does NOT mean that I owe them anything!
4. I need to increase the ways I stay present so I am not dragged away to worry about the future or feeling guilty and condemned bout my past.
5. I need to acknowledge the strengths I have - eg being able to be honest about where I am and the issues I face.
Cos acknowledging my weaknesses is the first step to dealing with issues.
6. I have learnt to keep myself very safe. By pushing people away. Yet my desire is to have people come closer to me yet I do the opposite. This has to change. And it will and shall change. With Sonia's help by providing me with the tools to do that, and God's word and Faith to strengthen me.
7. I must not let my emotions overtake my frontal lobe and render me paralyzed. When I am triggered my frontal lobe gets flooded and the logical part of the brain cannot function properly and I can no longer reason.
8. I can't control what others think, do, say, or believe of me.
But I can control what I think, say, believe of myself and how I want to respond.
I cant wait to be FREE from the claws of fear. I believe fear has been driving my life and my actions, just as it did my mom. And Jesus has broken the generational curse and I am no longer subject to that! I am a FREE woman! I will overcome and conquer!
Praise God!
The session that I have been having with Sonia has been awesome. I starting to see that I can be free of my past!!
The issues are being identified. And there are things that can be done to correct that which has been wrong. There is Hope!
And Joyce's teaching seems as if it was made just for me. It adds to the tools that would help build me up and free me from the bondages of my past and the devil's lies.
What I learnt:-
1. I have a control issue- I get upset when I am out of control
Or when people try to manipulate n control me
2. I don't know how to love myself. Have not been shown how to but that can be corrected! YAY!
3. I have issues receiving but no problems giving. However I cannot give if I am not receiving, cos I will be giving on an empty tank, which drives me down the road of depression.
e.g. I belief I impose on people even when they have said that I don't. I need to rewire my brain that accepting a favour from a friend does NOT mean that I owe them anything!
4. I need to increase the ways I stay present so I am not dragged away to worry about the future or feeling guilty and condemned bout my past.
5. I need to acknowledge the strengths I have - eg being able to be honest about where I am and the issues I face.
Cos acknowledging my weaknesses is the first step to dealing with issues.
6. I have learnt to keep myself very safe. By pushing people away. Yet my desire is to have people come closer to me yet I do the opposite. This has to change. And it will and shall change. With Sonia's help by providing me with the tools to do that, and God's word and Faith to strengthen me.
7. I must not let my emotions overtake my frontal lobe and render me paralyzed. When I am triggered my frontal lobe gets flooded and the logical part of the brain cannot function properly and I can no longer reason.
8. I can't control what others think, do, say, or believe of me.
But I can control what I think, say, believe of myself and how I want to respond.
I cant wait to be FREE from the claws of fear. I believe fear has been driving my life and my actions, just as it did my mom. And Jesus has broken the generational curse and I am no longer subject to that! I am a FREE woman! I will overcome and conquer!
Praise God!
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