Its more than 1 year since the breakup. Its just one more day and its mom's birthday already. Same time last year, I was back in Singapore celebrating mom's birthday. I cant shake that feeling I have... an ache, a pain in my heart. Miss my parents heaps. I wish I could have them here with me.
God knows my desire. He will bring it to past. I shall not try to do it on my own. Its is too tough, too difficult and most probably not the direction that God wants me to head.
There's a deep ache within me that doesnt seem to get filled. I cannot figure out what it is. Just wishing that it would go away. But it doesnt. Although the good that comes out of it is the opportunity to draw close to God. I guess I wouldnt say its an opportunity, cos the door to God is always open. He waits for us. He waits for me. I just have to choose.
I know I am feeling emotional. Cos suddenly, I am attracted to so many people and I just know that they are not the ones. Yoshi is too young. Peter, there's still something about him that doesnt sit right. It feels nice. Cos he has a flashy car and the money and he has started to come to church much more. But I dont know enough about him.
What I need is someone who shares my passion and my desire and definitely my faith. Loves God deeply and knows that he cannot do without God and desires to be obedient to God whatever the cost. God means too much to me now. I fear losing God. Cos without Him, I will lose myself and it is a scary place to be. I dont ever want to be there again. He keeps my heart soft. He gives me compassion and forgiveness and causes me to be a better person. A person filled with love and able to love in return.
And then there is Andrew. There is this side of him that is just so attractive. Yet he hides it. I wished he didnt. But if he didnt, I would have fallen in love with him. So perhaps it is good. I know that I would miss him. Although we didnt hang out much but he meant something to me. He was there at the time when I needed someone most.
Lord, most of all, take away that emptiness within me and fill it with Your love. I do not want to hurt anymore. I dont want to hold on to my past anymore. Toulia is gone and is of my past. My future is in front of me, ahead of me. Not behind. No more ifs no more wishes. It just is. Daddy, You are my destiny.
I know that You have someone for me. When we are both ready, You will bring us together. Meanwhile, help me to keep my eyes focused on You and to grow the gifts and talents that You have given me.
I know You have given me a gift in music, a love for music and Your songs. I still cant figure out what it would be for. But I will be faithful and grow that gift and I know that You will use it when the time is right.
I also know that I have been given a heart and a talent to look after, shepherd Your people. And I will be faithful to what and whom You have given into my life. To nurture them and grow them, so that they may become harvesters for Your crops.
Lead me and direct my steps Daddy. Flourish and bless my career Daddy. Continue that good work You started in me to heal me and change me that I might become more and more like Christ so that Your glory may be upon me. So that more will come to know You and who You are. Grow me in my sphere of influence Daddy. Like Jabez's prayer - Bless me indeed and enlarge my territory.
I dont know how it looks like for my tents to be enlarged but I can visualise many people and heaps of land that all belongs to me. I know I have a gift of influence. That whatever I say and do, people hold in high regard. But its not because of my own wisdom but wisdom from You Daddy. You have taught me the right ways to live and helped me to carry it through. So thank you Daddy!
Monday, November 7, 2011
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
27 Sept 2011 - What's happening?
After a couple of great weeks, for some reason, I'm on an emotional low.
Its gotten me cranky and upset too. I dont know why and I dont like it.
Thinking and missing him yet with the knowing that I will not pick him to be my future. I cant understand.
Regret over my past choices and how I got into relationships too.
I want to live a Godly life. I want to honour God. With my life and my body. With my relationships with my brothers and sisters and the one who will have a special place in my heart.
I want to shed all that the world has taught me. This path is so unfamiliar to me.
My heart is crying. But over what I dont know.
Help me God.
Soothe this pain.
Hold me tight.
Remind me of how much You love me and there is nothing to be sad about.
There is nothing to protect, to guard, except my heart. Cos that's the gateway to You and everything else doesnt matter.
Lord take this burden off my heart. I dont know what it is and why it is there. But I do know it doesnt belong there and I refuse to let it stay.
This beautiful day is from You to me and I refuse to let the deep sorrow fill my heart and day. Your promises are better than anything else in the world. And I will hold on to Your promises God.
You are the Lord over my life, so help me to live my life in a way that honours You. Show me more of You and teach me more of Your ways.
I love you Lord. Thank You for loving me first!
amen
Its gotten me cranky and upset too. I dont know why and I dont like it.
Thinking and missing him yet with the knowing that I will not pick him to be my future. I cant understand.
Regret over my past choices and how I got into relationships too.
I want to live a Godly life. I want to honour God. With my life and my body. With my relationships with my brothers and sisters and the one who will have a special place in my heart.
I want to shed all that the world has taught me. This path is so unfamiliar to me.
My heart is crying. But over what I dont know.
Help me God.
Soothe this pain.
Hold me tight.
Remind me of how much You love me and there is nothing to be sad about.
There is nothing to protect, to guard, except my heart. Cos that's the gateway to You and everything else doesnt matter.
Lord take this burden off my heart. I dont know what it is and why it is there. But I do know it doesnt belong there and I refuse to let it stay.
This beautiful day is from You to me and I refuse to let the deep sorrow fill my heart and day. Your promises are better than anything else in the world. And I will hold on to Your promises God.
You are the Lord over my life, so help me to live my life in a way that honours You. Show me more of You and teach me more of Your ways.
I love you Lord. Thank You for loving me first!
amen
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
13 sept 2011 - Tears falling down my face
Life is currently peaceful. Yet there's this sadness that keeps coming back. Each time I tink of my past there's still a tenderness there.
Wished that things had worked out with Toulia. People say that if a person loved another enough they would work things out. I wish that he would love me enough to come back. But that would mean that a sister would be hurt cos he didn't love her enough to stay with her.
So much for selfishness. I'm torn. But my real desire is that he would come back. Not sure if it's a good idea to wish for that. Regardless, his choice does not mean that I am any less valuable or any less loved.
I have grown heaps and leaned much. Yet I do sometimes look back and wish that I had followed the path of Christ earlier. That I was more surrounded by Christian leaders earlier. But I can't change the past. I can only look forward to God's promises for me. I can only look to and trust in His love for me.
There are days when I dont wish to do anything. Just want to spend time listening to sings praising Him, reading more about Him and getting to know Him better. I don't want to just know about God. I want to have my personal encounter with Him, to know Him intimately. And I don't know where I am at now.
Sometimes I feel His presence and closeness. Sometimes I feel like my knowledge of Him is only in my head and I am doing things to earn His approval.
I know God loves me so much that He gave His only son. So even if I do nothing He still would love me and protect me. Even if u don't serve Him He will still love me. It's not what I do that earned me His love. He loved me even before I even existed. Before I was even created He already loved me and had great plans for me. He had great things lined up for me. To do, to experience and to enjoy.
Just this sense of knowing how much God loves me causes me to want to know Him more. To want to spend time with Him more. Yet I struggle with what that looks like.
How Daddy how?
Wished that things had worked out with Toulia. People say that if a person loved another enough they would work things out. I wish that he would love me enough to come back. But that would mean that a sister would be hurt cos he didn't love her enough to stay with her.
So much for selfishness. I'm torn. But my real desire is that he would come back. Not sure if it's a good idea to wish for that. Regardless, his choice does not mean that I am any less valuable or any less loved.
I have grown heaps and leaned much. Yet I do sometimes look back and wish that I had followed the path of Christ earlier. That I was more surrounded by Christian leaders earlier. But I can't change the past. I can only look forward to God's promises for me. I can only look to and trust in His love for me.
There are days when I dont wish to do anything. Just want to spend time listening to sings praising Him, reading more about Him and getting to know Him better. I don't want to just know about God. I want to have my personal encounter with Him, to know Him intimately. And I don't know where I am at now.
Sometimes I feel His presence and closeness. Sometimes I feel like my knowledge of Him is only in my head and I am doing things to earn His approval.
I know God loves me so much that He gave His only son. So even if I do nothing He still would love me and protect me. Even if u don't serve Him He will still love me. It's not what I do that earned me His love. He loved me even before I even existed. Before I was even created He already loved me and had great plans for me. He had great things lined up for me. To do, to experience and to enjoy.
Just this sense of knowing how much God loves me causes me to want to know Him more. To want to spend time with Him more. Yet I struggle with what that looks like.
How Daddy how?
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
7 Sept 2011 - Revelation
As I prayed for a greater revelation of God and His love for me, a thought dropped into my mind and heart.
I often complain of not having enough time to spend with God, to do my bible readings and learn more about him.
The thought that came was that if I was struggling to find time to spend with Him meant that I was not placing God first. If He was first, I wouldn't need to find time to spend with Him.
My priorities were wrong. I prioritized my time to serve Him as time with god but that is not what God wants. I'm sure He would rather that I spend time with Him than to serve. Sure! He would love for me to love His people and serve. But He would want me to Himself first.
The other thing I struggle with is time to exercise. So I guess I need to prioritize what's important to me.
They would be
God
Exercise- health
Finances- make sure everything is paid on time
People- family then friends
Ministry- what i tink God wants me to do
Now that that is sorted, it's putting it into action to ensure that when I struggle for time next, the following order would be accomplished.
Thank God for this revelation. Holy spirit help me to put this into action.
Amen!
I often complain of not having enough time to spend with God, to do my bible readings and learn more about him.
The thought that came was that if I was struggling to find time to spend with Him meant that I was not placing God first. If He was first, I wouldn't need to find time to spend with Him.
My priorities were wrong. I prioritized my time to serve Him as time with god but that is not what God wants. I'm sure He would rather that I spend time with Him than to serve. Sure! He would love for me to love His people and serve. But He would want me to Himself first.
The other thing I struggle with is time to exercise. So I guess I need to prioritize what's important to me.
They would be
God
Exercise- health
Finances- make sure everything is paid on time
People- family then friends
Ministry- what i tink God wants me to do
Now that that is sorted, it's putting it into action to ensure that when I struggle for time next, the following order would be accomplished.
Thank God for this revelation. Holy spirit help me to put this into action.
Amen!
Friday, August 26, 2011
26 Aug 2010 - Fireproof
Loved the story. Started out bit boring. But as the story progresses, I could not stop crying. Lept thinking about him too. Wished that my story could be the same as Catherine. That he would turn back and realise the mistake he made.
That made me realise that I still loved him. The memory of him walking away, giving up, cos he felt like things were too difficult, and deciding to be with her; it all hurts. And though i wish that he would see the err of his ways, it wont make a difference now, cos if he does see the err of his way now, then he would put in effort in his current relationship and make it right. That would be what a good man will do and that is what I would like him to do. Do the right thing.
Oh how my heart aches. It aches to be in the arms of someone. It aches to be loved, to be led by a strong man. A man after God's heart. But I dont know when my time is. I thank God that He has not forgotten me. That He has good plans for me. That He loves me. That He gave His one and only beloved son for me.
Interruptible.
I realised that for whatever reasons, I did not allow myself to be interruptible over the last few days. And had the Holy Spirit remind me in the bath early one morning. The amazing thing was how He also caused a sista to remember the same thing, but with regards to an incident more than 1 year ago.
Almost cried my eyes out. I didnt realise how much I had longed to be acknowledged. I wished he knew. I wished .....
I wished my heart can be known. That many will realise.
I cant do this alone. If not for God... If not for Jesus...
Singlehood...
Learning to embrace it. Still dont feel like a 35. Still feel like a 25.
Did time stop for me? In some ways I guess. I am learning all the things that a 25 would learn physically, mentally and probably emotionally too... hmmm not sure if that was a plus or not.
Still struggling with issues of selfishness.
Daddy... JOhn says that I do not share. How can I share such things?
I do not want human acknowledgement. This is a heart issue. Only you can deal with. Yes encouragement helps. Support helps. But no... no one can solve my issue of selfishness. Only You can. Only the revelation of how much I have been loved and forgiven can solve the issue. And it is still WIP. :(
I do not want to rely on others. I want to rely on You Daddy.
Yet You use people. It is such a contradiction. I do not know how to balance it.
Help me!
Let my life honour You Lord!
The thins that I say, the things that I do, the things that I think... let them honour You Lord. Keep my heart pure and clean.
Thank you for the cleansing by the blood of Christ.
Thank You God!
That made me realise that I still loved him. The memory of him walking away, giving up, cos he felt like things were too difficult, and deciding to be with her; it all hurts. And though i wish that he would see the err of his ways, it wont make a difference now, cos if he does see the err of his way now, then he would put in effort in his current relationship and make it right. That would be what a good man will do and that is what I would like him to do. Do the right thing.
Oh how my heart aches. It aches to be in the arms of someone. It aches to be loved, to be led by a strong man. A man after God's heart. But I dont know when my time is. I thank God that He has not forgotten me. That He has good plans for me. That He loves me. That He gave His one and only beloved son for me.
Interruptible.
I realised that for whatever reasons, I did not allow myself to be interruptible over the last few days. And had the Holy Spirit remind me in the bath early one morning. The amazing thing was how He also caused a sista to remember the same thing, but with regards to an incident more than 1 year ago.
Almost cried my eyes out. I didnt realise how much I had longed to be acknowledged. I wished he knew. I wished .....
I wished my heart can be known. That many will realise.
I cant do this alone. If not for God... If not for Jesus...
Singlehood...
Learning to embrace it. Still dont feel like a 35. Still feel like a 25.
Did time stop for me? In some ways I guess. I am learning all the things that a 25 would learn physically, mentally and probably emotionally too... hmmm not sure if that was a plus or not.
Still struggling with issues of selfishness.
Daddy... JOhn says that I do not share. How can I share such things?
I do not want human acknowledgement. This is a heart issue. Only you can deal with. Yes encouragement helps. Support helps. But no... no one can solve my issue of selfishness. Only You can. Only the revelation of how much I have been loved and forgiven can solve the issue. And it is still WIP. :(
I do not want to rely on others. I want to rely on You Daddy.
Yet You use people. It is such a contradiction. I do not know how to balance it.
Help me!
Let my life honour You Lord!
The thins that I say, the things that I do, the things that I think... let them honour You Lord. Keep my heart pure and clean.
Thank you for the cleansing by the blood of Christ.
Thank You God!
Monday, August 8, 2011
8 Aug 2011 - Hope renewed
Its not the easiest...
But it is not impossible.
With God, anything is possible.
It is disappointing that the attraction is not mutual. But it will not be the death of me. Instead, it is an encouragement.
If there are men like john around, then it gives more hope in God’s promise that my heart’s desire will be fulfilled – and that is to have a husband and children.
And John will be the benchmark. Hopefully I get to meet the person soon. John shall be the brother that I never had who can “vet” and watch out for me.
No doubt he is younger than I am, but he is more mature spiritually than I am and can definitely recognise a man of God with good character than I can.
So Praise God for the blessing that he is in my life!
But it is not impossible.
With God, anything is possible.
It is disappointing that the attraction is not mutual. But it will not be the death of me. Instead, it is an encouragement.
If there are men like john around, then it gives more hope in God’s promise that my heart’s desire will be fulfilled – and that is to have a husband and children.
And John will be the benchmark. Hopefully I get to meet the person soon. John shall be the brother that I never had who can “vet” and watch out for me.
No doubt he is younger than I am, but he is more mature spiritually than I am and can definitely recognise a man of God with good character than I can.
So Praise God for the blessing that he is in my life!
Friday, July 22, 2011
22 July 2011 - A new lesson => Pride
I so don’t feel like working.
I really don’t know why.
I love my work. I love what i do. So what’s the problem now?
Is there even a problem?
Sigh.. I wished I knew.
Well, regardless of how I feel, I need to do what is right. And that is making good use of my working time to do work work.
Meanwhile, better get all the documents ready for my tax returns. I need to get the money over asap.
There seems to be heaps of stuff coming up that’s due for payment and its scarying me.
Sigh...
I am grateful that God loves me. I am thankful that I am protected by His love and favour. That I righteous and He keeps teaching me things.
Sometimes I feel awful cos I feel like an idiot, cos I seem to be learning about things that most have learnt when they were younger.
Thank goodness my Daddy God is a loving, patient Father.
I was feeling extremely miserable with the prospect of not having my favour returned.
From all the questions and thoughts, I believe the Holy Spirit showed me the issues I had.
I was taught to despise ugly people.
So when someone I did not fancy fancied me, especially if he was not good looking, I would get disgusted.
And I guess when I do not have my feelings returned, I put myself through the same horrible judgment even though that is not what the person thinks.
And then I feel horrible and rejected and unloved and unaccepted.
I forget that THAT is but 1 person. And that God has the right person for me. Someone who will love me, accept me, is supportive and encouraging so that I can live out the potential that God has planted in me; make full use of my gifts.
How and when did I get so haughty that I think I am above all others?
It saddens me. And it fears me to think what other sins I have committed that I am unaware of! It is so easy to fall prey to the devil’s schemes.
Thank God He left me My Guide and Leader, to keep me safe and within the boundaries of His word.
I pray that He humbles me and keeps me lowly at His feet. I am no one without Him. All that I have – favour, blessings, possessions, they are all from Him. I did nothing to gain any of it.
Thank You God!
I thought that J was the one, but now I don’t think so. I think he is way too young to like someone so much older. Of cos I wish it was otherwise and only God knows what is. And for whatever reasons I was attracted to him, I guess and hope that it will pass in time to come. I’m sure (although I had hoped not) that he takes me as a younger sister (I don’t say older cos I don’t look it) and he is just being really kind. I’m sure he will make a great husband and father. And I pray that he will find someone. No. I KNOW that he will have someone, cos God already has the person planned. Its just a matter of time. If he is ready, then perhaps the other person is just not ready and that is why. And its the same for me. Either I am not ready or the person God has in mind is not ready. But I know that I WILL have someone to journey life with, to enjoy this life that God created, to create and leave a legacy. And I refuse to be anxious. And I know that the time is soon. I don’t know when, and it can seem like forever, but I know it is soon. I am excited.
We are to work together for the benefit of each other and pursue God’s kingdom... bring it up a higher level together.
I am excited at the thoughts of it.
And I refuse to let this little thought become a mountain. I AM worthy. I AM beautiful. And I will stop saying negative things about myself. I know it is a way to get compliments. And I know that I have been testing him to see if i can get positive encouragement from him or not. Time to back off. Time to leave him alone. Time to let him have his own time and do his own stuff. My compliments are to come from God. God’s words are to matter more. I should be seeking reassurance from God, not someone else. It has been nice to receive those compliments from him, but he is not my world. God is. So I will place the weight on God’s words.
Thank you Lord for sending someone to help me grow and nurture the gifts that You have placed in me.
Not just the gift of music but also of singing, of confidence, of leading. You have made room for the person you called me to be to grow and blossom.
Thank You Daddy! Thank You for loving me.
Holy spirit, help me to remember this all the days of my life. My worth comes from God, not what people say about me. And I know how easy it is to be sucked in and let what someone thinks of me to override all I know about God and what God says about me. Keep me within the boundaries of God’s words. Thank You!
I really don’t know why.
I love my work. I love what i do. So what’s the problem now?
Is there even a problem?
Sigh.. I wished I knew.
Well, regardless of how I feel, I need to do what is right. And that is making good use of my working time to do work work.
Meanwhile, better get all the documents ready for my tax returns. I need to get the money over asap.
There seems to be heaps of stuff coming up that’s due for payment and its scarying me.
Sigh...
I am grateful that God loves me. I am thankful that I am protected by His love and favour. That I righteous and He keeps teaching me things.
Sometimes I feel awful cos I feel like an idiot, cos I seem to be learning about things that most have learnt when they were younger.
Thank goodness my Daddy God is a loving, patient Father.
I was feeling extremely miserable with the prospect of not having my favour returned.
From all the questions and thoughts, I believe the Holy Spirit showed me the issues I had.
I was taught to despise ugly people.
So when someone I did not fancy fancied me, especially if he was not good looking, I would get disgusted.
And I guess when I do not have my feelings returned, I put myself through the same horrible judgment even though that is not what the person thinks.
And then I feel horrible and rejected and unloved and unaccepted.
I forget that THAT is but 1 person. And that God has the right person for me. Someone who will love me, accept me, is supportive and encouraging so that I can live out the potential that God has planted in me; make full use of my gifts.
How and when did I get so haughty that I think I am above all others?
It saddens me. And it fears me to think what other sins I have committed that I am unaware of! It is so easy to fall prey to the devil’s schemes.
Thank God He left me My Guide and Leader, to keep me safe and within the boundaries of His word.
I pray that He humbles me and keeps me lowly at His feet. I am no one without Him. All that I have – favour, blessings, possessions, they are all from Him. I did nothing to gain any of it.
Thank You God!
I thought that J was the one, but now I don’t think so. I think he is way too young to like someone so much older. Of cos I wish it was otherwise and only God knows what is. And for whatever reasons I was attracted to him, I guess and hope that it will pass in time to come. I’m sure (although I had hoped not) that he takes me as a younger sister (I don’t say older cos I don’t look it) and he is just being really kind. I’m sure he will make a great husband and father. And I pray that he will find someone. No. I KNOW that he will have someone, cos God already has the person planned. Its just a matter of time. If he is ready, then perhaps the other person is just not ready and that is why. And its the same for me. Either I am not ready or the person God has in mind is not ready. But I know that I WILL have someone to journey life with, to enjoy this life that God created, to create and leave a legacy. And I refuse to be anxious. And I know that the time is soon. I don’t know when, and it can seem like forever, but I know it is soon. I am excited.
We are to work together for the benefit of each other and pursue God’s kingdom... bring it up a higher level together.
I am excited at the thoughts of it.
And I refuse to let this little thought become a mountain. I AM worthy. I AM beautiful. And I will stop saying negative things about myself. I know it is a way to get compliments. And I know that I have been testing him to see if i can get positive encouragement from him or not. Time to back off. Time to leave him alone. Time to let him have his own time and do his own stuff. My compliments are to come from God. God’s words are to matter more. I should be seeking reassurance from God, not someone else. It has been nice to receive those compliments from him, but he is not my world. God is. So I will place the weight on God’s words.
Thank you Lord for sending someone to help me grow and nurture the gifts that You have placed in me.
Not just the gift of music but also of singing, of confidence, of leading. You have made room for the person you called me to be to grow and blossom.
Thank You Daddy! Thank You for loving me.
Holy spirit, help me to remember this all the days of my life. My worth comes from God, not what people say about me. And I know how easy it is to be sucked in and let what someone thinks of me to override all I know about God and what God says about me. Keep me within the boundaries of God’s words. Thank You!
Monday, July 18, 2011
18 July 2010 - What's happening?
I dont know what is wrong, but somehow I just dont feel like working.
I'm not sure if its cos the stuff I am working on is stale or I am preoccupied with other stuff.
Perhaps both.
And as I learn the guitar and get better at it, I cant help but to feel a burning desire to want to be able to play the songs I hear, be it the same way the original artists played it or in the style that I like.
I find my love for music growing. What is happening? Why is this so?
Is it really my love for music or is it cos of the time that I get to spend with him?
I am frightened.
I dont want to fall in love with someone whom I will never have.
I dont know who God has for me. And I have been through the times when I have replaced God with the person He has placed me with and things fell apart. I am afraid of that happening again the most.
I yearn to have someone to journey life with me, to love me. Yet I fear the pain I experienced from having walked away from God before and I dont ever want to go through that away.
I seem to be in a state of lull. I'm not sad yet I am not totally joyful. There's something heavy on my heart. I dont want that.
:(
help...
:(
I'm not sure if its cos the stuff I am working on is stale or I am preoccupied with other stuff.
Perhaps both.
And as I learn the guitar and get better at it, I cant help but to feel a burning desire to want to be able to play the songs I hear, be it the same way the original artists played it or in the style that I like.
I find my love for music growing. What is happening? Why is this so?
Is it really my love for music or is it cos of the time that I get to spend with him?
I am frightened.
I dont want to fall in love with someone whom I will never have.
I dont know who God has for me. And I have been through the times when I have replaced God with the person He has placed me with and things fell apart. I am afraid of that happening again the most.
I yearn to have someone to journey life with me, to love me. Yet I fear the pain I experienced from having walked away from God before and I dont ever want to go through that away.
I seem to be in a state of lull. I'm not sad yet I am not totally joyful. There's something heavy on my heart. I dont want that.
:(
help...
:(
Thursday, July 7, 2011
5 July 2011 - Lessons from Mr Traffic Light
God uses all things to speak to us – even traffic lights!
Yes... Mr Traffic Light taught me a couple of lessons today.
I am 2 minds about sharing this cos i have come to realise that some lessons that i learn, are JUST for me and not meant to be shared. And when I do share it, most do not understand it! :(
But what the heck... at least this would be a good reminder for me :D
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was blessed to stay over at a friend’s place at Pyrmont these few couple of nights while Hillsong Conference was being held at the Sydney Entertainment centre.
This allowed me the luxury of waking up at the same time, yet able to use my time differently for other things. One of which was to take a nice lovely stroll from his place to Clarence street bus stop.
God used the walk and Mr Traffic Light to remind me of a couple of things and some new ones too.
As I took my walk today, I was reminded that I often went ahead to do things my way, thinking they are best for me and the quickest way to get to my destination. I thought I knew best but I have been shown that I was wrong... many times...
- I remember the time when I jay walked (ran) across the road cos I had missed my traffic light and was wanting to catch my bus which I saw was approaching; only to be stuck in the middle of the road amidst fierce oncoming traffic!
Not only did I miss my bus, but I put myself right in the middle of danger! How useful could that have been?! And how much quicker did I get to my destination?! Errr... I didn’t!!
Lol
I made a conscious effort to wait at the traffic lights, since God was showing me things.
As I did that, the Holy Spirit gently probed me, “My daughter, why do you like taking such unnecessary risks?” “Why are you in such a hurry?” “Dont you trust me?”
To which I replied, “hmmm .... I wanted to get to my destination faster? I want to be faster than the rest of my peers? I DO trust You.... but I thought I would help by moving a little quicker!”
Now... at this point, you would probably think I was silly to even think this way, but unfortunately, that was how I was programmed to think. Yes, yes... blame my past. And I am really making a conscious effort to stop and wait and be patient.
The Holy Spirit pressed on, “Do you REALLY get to your destination faster? Are you better off because you are further ahead of your peers – in career, experience, life, etc? And are you REALLY trusting me by trying to help Me?!”
Well... the answer is obvious already aint it? You know it, and so did I. But how often do we still go ahead to do what we know is not what God wants for us? Just because...
At this moment, I saw a guy jay walk across the traffic light. There was no on-coming traffic and all seemed fine. And I said, “See that guy is getting across the road faster than the rest of us waiting at the traffic light!”
Halfway through, the man changed green in color and the rest of us could cross the road as well. That guy got across the road not more than a few seconds faster than the rest of us.
But at what risks? At what costs?
What IF a reckless driver in a rush to his destination sped round the corner?
What IF there was a car that was turning but went unnoticed by the guy?
That would probably have cost him his life, if not, some serious injury, amidst some of the lesser evil, such as getting in the way of others who had the right of way!
Very often, we do not wait for God’s timing, but try to take things into our own hands. No doubt we get to where we want to go and we get what we want, most times. However, at what expense?
Just like that guy crossing the road, we take the risk of getting into trouble that could have been avoided.
No doubt there might be reckless drivers trying to rush to their destinations and make a turn and crash into us. Well, we live with human beings right? Not all of us are obedient are we? Not even those of us who have a relationship with Christ are obedient, least to say those who are not?!
BUT the risks we run, crossing at the right times, will be much less compared to the times when we refuse to wait for the right timing and takie things into our own hands.
To finish off, whilst waiting at the LAST traffic light at my office, I was so tempted to cross the road as I normally do.... jay walk! And once again, the Holy Spirit asked me, “What’s the hurry? You are almost at your destination.” And I was like, “Yeah... its just across the road. I see no point in waiting! I just missed the lights. Its a whole 2 mins wait.”
My heart quickened with impatience as I waited at the lights. And I argued with the Holy Spirit, “What’s the difference of waiting and jay walking? My heart beats fast too as I jay walk.”
And He replied, “As you wait at the lights, although your heart is beating faster cos of your impatience, you are safe. You are not at risk of getting hurt.” As I paused and thought about it, He added, “I have promised you that I will fulfil My promises made to you. And it is within sight, yet you are feeling impatient about it. Why do you not want to trust Me?”
Yes... why do I not trust God?
Why do I want to take on the stress and worry and anxiety that was not mine to bear?
Do I not believe that God IS sovereign?
John Maxwell said we will never have 2 consecutive good days as leaders, cos we deal with humans!
I guess man (as in humans) have hurt me much before and cos God had allowed it to happen, I do not trust that He has the capacity to keep me safe!
But He HAS promised that He would be my Protector if I would rest in Him.
I don’t think there’s anywhere in the bible that said that we will not have trials and challenges, but God definitely promised that when we do face trials and challenges, He WILL take us out of it and deliver us. And He has. Many times!
In all honesty, IF I believed in God’s sovereignty and TRUST that He is in control, life would be much easier.
è I wont be anxious about anything – No worries if my friends are doing better than I; if they were more successful or if they were enjoying life more than I was, or getting more out of life! There will be no comparison. Cos I would know that God knows best for me and my life is different to all and unique and special.
=> I wont worry about being taken for a ride or have to protect myself and my reputation cos God protects me. I don’t have to worry if i am not included in the most exciting campaign or social group or if someone holds a grudge against me and will slander me. If He placed me where I am at, He will keep me there. I don’t have to work hard at keeping my position!
=> I don’t have to worry if i will ever get my desires fulfilled – I can rest and know that God has a mate for me and I don’t have to try to impress anyone to tell/show them that I am good enough and worth their time/risk!
=> I get to life and the gifts and talents that He has given me! I also get to be a blessing to others! How awesome!
Sounds easy and it definitely is WHEN I place my trust in God.
I just love how God uses the little things in my life to daily remind me of His character/principles and His love for me!
He is Awesome!
Yes... Mr Traffic Light taught me a couple of lessons today.
I am 2 minds about sharing this cos i have come to realise that some lessons that i learn, are JUST for me and not meant to be shared. And when I do share it, most do not understand it! :(
But what the heck... at least this would be a good reminder for me :D
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was blessed to stay over at a friend’s place at Pyrmont these few couple of nights while Hillsong Conference was being held at the Sydney Entertainment centre.
This allowed me the luxury of waking up at the same time, yet able to use my time differently for other things. One of which was to take a nice lovely stroll from his place to Clarence street bus stop.
God used the walk and Mr Traffic Light to remind me of a couple of things and some new ones too.
As I took my walk today, I was reminded that I often went ahead to do things my way, thinking they are best for me and the quickest way to get to my destination. I thought I knew best but I have been shown that I was wrong... many times...
- I remember the time when I jay walked (ran) across the road cos I had missed my traffic light and was wanting to catch my bus which I saw was approaching; only to be stuck in the middle of the road amidst fierce oncoming traffic!
Not only did I miss my bus, but I put myself right in the middle of danger! How useful could that have been?! And how much quicker did I get to my destination?! Errr... I didn’t!!
Lol
I made a conscious effort to wait at the traffic lights, since God was showing me things.
As I did that, the Holy Spirit gently probed me, “My daughter, why do you like taking such unnecessary risks?” “Why are you in such a hurry?” “Dont you trust me?”
To which I replied, “hmmm .... I wanted to get to my destination faster? I want to be faster than the rest of my peers? I DO trust You.... but I thought I would help by moving a little quicker!”
Now... at this point, you would probably think I was silly to even think this way, but unfortunately, that was how I was programmed to think. Yes, yes... blame my past. And I am really making a conscious effort to stop and wait and be patient.
The Holy Spirit pressed on, “Do you REALLY get to your destination faster? Are you better off because you are further ahead of your peers – in career, experience, life, etc? And are you REALLY trusting me by trying to help Me?!”
Well... the answer is obvious already aint it? You know it, and so did I. But how often do we still go ahead to do what we know is not what God wants for us? Just because...
At this moment, I saw a guy jay walk across the traffic light. There was no on-coming traffic and all seemed fine. And I said, “See that guy is getting across the road faster than the rest of us waiting at the traffic light!”
Halfway through, the man changed green in color and the rest of us could cross the road as well. That guy got across the road not more than a few seconds faster than the rest of us.
But at what risks? At what costs?
What IF a reckless driver in a rush to his destination sped round the corner?
What IF there was a car that was turning but went unnoticed by the guy?
That would probably have cost him his life, if not, some serious injury, amidst some of the lesser evil, such as getting in the way of others who had the right of way!
Very often, we do not wait for God’s timing, but try to take things into our own hands. No doubt we get to where we want to go and we get what we want, most times. However, at what expense?
Just like that guy crossing the road, we take the risk of getting into trouble that could have been avoided.
No doubt there might be reckless drivers trying to rush to their destinations and make a turn and crash into us. Well, we live with human beings right? Not all of us are obedient are we? Not even those of us who have a relationship with Christ are obedient, least to say those who are not?!
BUT the risks we run, crossing at the right times, will be much less compared to the times when we refuse to wait for the right timing and takie things into our own hands.
To finish off, whilst waiting at the LAST traffic light at my office, I was so tempted to cross the road as I normally do.... jay walk! And once again, the Holy Spirit asked me, “What’s the hurry? You are almost at your destination.” And I was like, “Yeah... its just across the road. I see no point in waiting! I just missed the lights. Its a whole 2 mins wait.”
My heart quickened with impatience as I waited at the lights. And I argued with the Holy Spirit, “What’s the difference of waiting and jay walking? My heart beats fast too as I jay walk.”
And He replied, “As you wait at the lights, although your heart is beating faster cos of your impatience, you are safe. You are not at risk of getting hurt.” As I paused and thought about it, He added, “I have promised you that I will fulfil My promises made to you. And it is within sight, yet you are feeling impatient about it. Why do you not want to trust Me?”
Yes... why do I not trust God?
Why do I want to take on the stress and worry and anxiety that was not mine to bear?
Do I not believe that God IS sovereign?
John Maxwell said we will never have 2 consecutive good days as leaders, cos we deal with humans!
I guess man (as in humans) have hurt me much before and cos God had allowed it to happen, I do not trust that He has the capacity to keep me safe!
But He HAS promised that He would be my Protector if I would rest in Him.
I don’t think there’s anywhere in the bible that said that we will not have trials and challenges, but God definitely promised that when we do face trials and challenges, He WILL take us out of it and deliver us. And He has. Many times!
In all honesty, IF I believed in God’s sovereignty and TRUST that He is in control, life would be much easier.
è I wont be anxious about anything – No worries if my friends are doing better than I; if they were more successful or if they were enjoying life more than I was, or getting more out of life! There will be no comparison. Cos I would know that God knows best for me and my life is different to all and unique and special.
=> I wont worry about being taken for a ride or have to protect myself and my reputation cos God protects me. I don’t have to worry if i am not included in the most exciting campaign or social group or if someone holds a grudge against me and will slander me. If He placed me where I am at, He will keep me there. I don’t have to work hard at keeping my position!
=> I don’t have to worry if i will ever get my desires fulfilled – I can rest and know that God has a mate for me and I don’t have to try to impress anyone to tell/show them that I am good enough and worth their time/risk!
=> I get to life and the gifts and talents that He has given me! I also get to be a blessing to others! How awesome!
Sounds easy and it definitely is WHEN I place my trust in God.
I just love how God uses the little things in my life to daily remind me of His character/principles and His love for me!
He is Awesome!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
5 July 2011 - Peace
Slowly but surely, I know I am getting some Peace and holding on to the Shalom Peace that Jesus left me.
If the guy is for me, I dont have to impress him and let him know how good I am and what talents I have. He will be able to see it.
I will also not have to worry if age is an issue or not. Cos he will look to the supernatural and not the natural, guided by the Holy Spirit. He will have the Peace of Christ too.
This way, I can be me.
I just want to learn the songs I want to learn.
I just want to be able to speak the language I want to speak.
And I want to do the things I want to do.
The session this arvo was nice. Would be nice to see if I can get to chat with Daddy daily.
Had been looking for a "formula" which would help me get closer and more intimate with God.
Realised there is none.
Joyce Meyer takes a few hours each morning. So does her daughters.
John just needs to have a couple of minutes with Daddy God on his way to work or church.
I seem to have to constantly fill myself with His word. Day in, day out.
And it just never seems enough!
Time spent on the train listening or reading His word and listening to sermons or talking to Him during my walk to the station or even on the train ride just doesnt seem enough. A chat in the arvo during lunch seems to do well enough, but on its own, it is insufficient too.
And a quiet, simple time sitting by the waters just by myself seem to be a luxury too. But it all adds up.
So perhaps I will start doing more of it.
Even if it is dark, just a few minutes by the water with my Daddy will be good. Just as is an hour during lunch to play His songs and speak to Him.
I know I am now at Peace. And I hope that this peace stays.
I do not like and do not wish to be troubled by it.
A distant memory of how Sean behaves at TV reminds me of myself. I'm sure I was oblivious to it and didnt think anything wrong of it.But it is so apparent that he has so much pride. And so did I. And there is nothing I can say/do about it. It is not my journey. If I had the opportunity, I would speak with him, but I dont. And I refuse to have a presumptuous attitude.
Vonny's actions sure hurt. But God still loves even when we make choices that hurts Him. And I will practice to love all people, even when they hurt me.
Its funny how what I want and what I do, how I react is all different.
I definitely did not react well to Julian this morning when he stuffed up and caused the client to get upset. And neither did I react well to Beverley when she insisted the guy was just doing his job and didnt do anything wrong. I know that he was in the wrong. And it was really God's grace that he turned around and made things right.
Praise God.
If the guy is for me, I dont have to impress him and let him know how good I am and what talents I have. He will be able to see it.
I will also not have to worry if age is an issue or not. Cos he will look to the supernatural and not the natural, guided by the Holy Spirit. He will have the Peace of Christ too.
This way, I can be me.
I just want to learn the songs I want to learn.
I just want to be able to speak the language I want to speak.
And I want to do the things I want to do.
The session this arvo was nice. Would be nice to see if I can get to chat with Daddy daily.
Had been looking for a "formula" which would help me get closer and more intimate with God.
Realised there is none.
Joyce Meyer takes a few hours each morning. So does her daughters.
John just needs to have a couple of minutes with Daddy God on his way to work or church.
I seem to have to constantly fill myself with His word. Day in, day out.
And it just never seems enough!
Time spent on the train listening or reading His word and listening to sermons or talking to Him during my walk to the station or even on the train ride just doesnt seem enough. A chat in the arvo during lunch seems to do well enough, but on its own, it is insufficient too.
And a quiet, simple time sitting by the waters just by myself seem to be a luxury too. But it all adds up.
So perhaps I will start doing more of it.
Even if it is dark, just a few minutes by the water with my Daddy will be good. Just as is an hour during lunch to play His songs and speak to Him.
I know I am now at Peace. And I hope that this peace stays.
I do not like and do not wish to be troubled by it.
A distant memory of how Sean behaves at TV reminds me of myself. I'm sure I was oblivious to it and didnt think anything wrong of it.But it is so apparent that he has so much pride. And so did I. And there is nothing I can say/do about it. It is not my journey. If I had the opportunity, I would speak with him, but I dont. And I refuse to have a presumptuous attitude.
Vonny's actions sure hurt. But God still loves even when we make choices that hurts Him. And I will practice to love all people, even when they hurt me.
Its funny how what I want and what I do, how I react is all different.
I definitely did not react well to Julian this morning when he stuffed up and caused the client to get upset. And neither did I react well to Beverley when she insisted the guy was just doing his job and didnt do anything wrong. I know that he was in the wrong. And it was really God's grace that he turned around and made things right.
Praise God.
Monday, July 4, 2011
4 July 2011 - Peace
I cant believe how many times I have blogged for today.
But having cried out to God, placed my cares at His feet and walked away from my wilful desires, He has filled me with His Peace.
He has also led me to be filled with knowledge.
http://www.bible.com/bibleanswers_result.php?id=149
I was led to read the article when I searched for what God said about women. And it has greatly encouraged me. When I place EVERYTHING at God's feet and have Him help me choose and BELIEVE and TRUST that He WILL and HAS chosen for me, and all I have to do is to WAIT PATIENTLY for His right time, it will all be well.
To the unbeliever, that sounds ridiculous. And to one (like me) who is struggling to fill her heart's desire and her life with meaning, and having failed so many times, its almost impossible.
But I know God has not forgotten me. In fact He has frequently encouraged me. Comforted me. And Assured me that He is still here and has not forgotten me.
There are many things I struggle with, but over time, God helps to overcome them. He has in fact made me an overcomer and a conqueror. So I will strive to live my life from victorious grounds.
Extra reading for the women out there. :)
http://bible.org/seriespage/chapter-2-women-designed-god
But having cried out to God, placed my cares at His feet and walked away from my wilful desires, He has filled me with His Peace.
He has also led me to be filled with knowledge.
http://www.bible.com/bibleanswers_result.php?id=149
I was led to read the article when I searched for what God said about women. And it has greatly encouraged me. When I place EVERYTHING at God's feet and have Him help me choose and BELIEVE and TRUST that He WILL and HAS chosen for me, and all I have to do is to WAIT PATIENTLY for His right time, it will all be well.
To the unbeliever, that sounds ridiculous. And to one (like me) who is struggling to fill her heart's desire and her life with meaning, and having failed so many times, its almost impossible.
But I know God has not forgotten me. In fact He has frequently encouraged me. Comforted me. And Assured me that He is still here and has not forgotten me.
There are many things I struggle with, but over time, God helps to overcome them. He has in fact made me an overcomer and a conqueror. So I will strive to live my life from victorious grounds.
Extra reading for the women out there. :)
http://bible.org/seriespage/chapter-2-women-designed-god
4 July 2011 - God's grace is more than enough for me
Looking at my past, I feel like a vase, once beautiful and precious, but broken and shattered through mishandling and mishaps. Glued back together roughly with all the edges sticking out and cutting all who touches it. It looks ugly. It is dangerous. It can cause hurt and pain to all who touch it and tries to handle it. Thus no one wants it.
My past feels that way, looks that way. And I feel that way.
But thank God for His grace, that by the blood of Jesus, I have been made whole.
The vase is once more perfect and pretty. It is now covered by the blood of Christ, made perfect through His sacrifice. Nothing in my past can hold me back. Nothing in my past can stop God from doing the great work He has and is doing in my life. Nothing in my past, present or future can stop the plans that God has for me to unfold.
God is gracious. God is love and God loves me.
I praise God for all that He has done in my life!
Lord, give me a deeper revelation of Your love and the perfection of Christ Jesus!
My past feels that way, looks that way. And I feel that way.
But thank God for His grace, that by the blood of Jesus, I have been made whole.
The vase is once more perfect and pretty. It is now covered by the blood of Christ, made perfect through His sacrifice. Nothing in my past can hold me back. Nothing in my past can stop God from doing the great work He has and is doing in my life. Nothing in my past, present or future can stop the plans that God has for me to unfold.
God is gracious. God is love and God loves me.
I praise God for all that He has done in my life!
Lord, give me a deeper revelation of Your love and the perfection of Christ Jesus!
4 July 2011 - Wrong one
I seem to have no luck with men. The ones I end up with are not good for me and have issues.
The ones I like and are of good quality does not seem to be attracted to me.
Feel so sad. So defeated. Feels so hopeless cos there's nothing I can do about my situation. i have done everything I can so that I am more appealing. but it just doesnt seem to be enough.
If not for God I would really be defeated. At least I know that this is but a feeling and that God has overcome, so I dont have to worry about anything.
Its hard... cos I cant see the solution that Christ has already prepared for me. And though i KNOW that God has already prepared the solution for me and it is waiting for the right time, cos I cant see it, it causes pain. Which is not supposed to be. Cos if I had full trust in God, this feeling would not even come upon me.
I will praise God regardless of what I see!
I will trust God cos He loves me!
I will trust God that He has the best for me!
I will trust God for the person He has prepared for me. Not what I think is best.
I will let go.
He is not for me. I will let go.
The ones I like and are of good quality does not seem to be attracted to me.
Feel so sad. So defeated. Feels so hopeless cos there's nothing I can do about my situation. i have done everything I can so that I am more appealing. but it just doesnt seem to be enough.
If not for God I would really be defeated. At least I know that this is but a feeling and that God has overcome, so I dont have to worry about anything.
Its hard... cos I cant see the solution that Christ has already prepared for me. And though i KNOW that God has already prepared the solution for me and it is waiting for the right time, cos I cant see it, it causes pain. Which is not supposed to be. Cos if I had full trust in God, this feeling would not even come upon me.
I will praise God regardless of what I see!
I will trust God cos He loves me!
I will trust God that He has the best for me!
I will trust God for the person He has prepared for me. Not what I think is best.
I will let go.
He is not for me. I will let go.
4 July 2011 - Teenager
I am already 35 yet I behave like a teenager.
I so wanted to play the playground and go crazy and jumping around, but cos M & S were just so NOT into it, I was afraid to play even though J was. I know I missed an opportunity. Cos there are not many who would encourage me to do it as J did.
anyways, for whatever reasons, I was just hyper that day.
In addition, the feelings I have causes me to feel like a teenager. Its been such a long time since I have had such a huge crush on someone. I cant remember how it was like. Perhaps it was just as painful but its been a long while. Cos most of the time I had my affections returned.
also, i guess the ones i had crush on did not spend the time they did with me so the feelings never grew.
i'm rambling... and i have no one else to speak with other than God.
i am just so lost now. 9 out of 10 times, I just want to keep my mouth shut. Dont wana "educate" anyone cos i dont want to have a pressumptious attitude.. and dont wana complain cos dont wana be like the israelites.
i feel like i have no one to turn to. i have no family to turn to. they do not know what i am going through and have no means to help even if they knew. and same with friends. they can just be there, but they can never know what i am going through.
i so want to just spend the day with God. me and my guitar, see what other new songs i can play.
perhaps that is escaping. i dont know.
help me lord...
may your will be done not mine.
I so wanted to play the playground and go crazy and jumping around, but cos M & S were just so NOT into it, I was afraid to play even though J was. I know I missed an opportunity. Cos there are not many who would encourage me to do it as J did.
anyways, for whatever reasons, I was just hyper that day.
In addition, the feelings I have causes me to feel like a teenager. Its been such a long time since I have had such a huge crush on someone. I cant remember how it was like. Perhaps it was just as painful but its been a long while. Cos most of the time I had my affections returned.
also, i guess the ones i had crush on did not spend the time they did with me so the feelings never grew.
i'm rambling... and i have no one else to speak with other than God.
i am just so lost now. 9 out of 10 times, I just want to keep my mouth shut. Dont wana "educate" anyone cos i dont want to have a pressumptious attitude.. and dont wana complain cos dont wana be like the israelites.
i feel like i have no one to turn to. i have no family to turn to. they do not know what i am going through and have no means to help even if they knew. and same with friends. they can just be there, but they can never know what i am going through.
i so want to just spend the day with God. me and my guitar, see what other new songs i can play.
perhaps that is escaping. i dont know.
help me lord...
may your will be done not mine.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
30 Jun 2011 - Facebook
Decided not to be on facebook. Removed the application from my phone.
If i do not have the time to do it, i wont check facebook.
Reading the posts and seeing all the happy stuff that people post, which I want to be part of just makes me compare and gets me envious and jealous. This is not right. This is not how God wants me to live my life and if I am unable to help how I feel when I see those things, then best that I do not indulge in it until I am ready.
I refuse to be give in to my emotions and behave in whatever way my flesh wants.
I choose to walk in love and peace, in the way that God wants me to, in the way that Jesus did, in the way that the spirit guides me to.
If i do not have the time to do it, i wont check facebook.
Reading the posts and seeing all the happy stuff that people post, which I want to be part of just makes me compare and gets me envious and jealous. This is not right. This is not how God wants me to live my life and if I am unable to help how I feel when I see those things, then best that I do not indulge in it until I am ready.
I refuse to be give in to my emotions and behave in whatever way my flesh wants.
I choose to walk in love and peace, in the way that God wants me to, in the way that Jesus did, in the way that the spirit guides me to.
30 Jun 2011 - Too quick
i think Minah might be right - I am too quick, although I do believe that 3 months is a long time already. And being in a leadership position and attending evening college on the subject leadership, one should be more open. but I guess, that's for me aint it? Not for everyone.
I know I started off with good intentions, to get this resolved and sorted cos it is not good to be separated. However, my pursuit for justice has turned it into a fight for justice for me. And perhaps I am the one who is not listening to God.
So I commit this to God.
I prayed and ask that I might get to see Vonny if He wants me to talk to her. And I did run into her at LVN. I missed her on Sat and on Sun.
But there, she rejected me. Its odd. Thought that since God allowed the meeting to happen, it should be smooth, but oh wells, I have learnt stuff from it too, so perhaps that process was for me. :)
Now again, I commit this to Him. I will be taking this to the next step. And the final result I want is peace between the 2 of us. Not who is right or wrong.
I dont know what it is going to take.
And I will speak to Wan Hei about this. If she chooses not to pursue it, I will respect her decision. She is after all placed in her position by God. And I trust God, that He will speak to her and lead her. I know that she will pray about it. And if I am not hearing well from God cos of my heart condition, God will and can use someone else.
I am using her as a confirmation and the pace maker for God's timing.
After this, my part is done. I have done all that I can and I have no further regrets.
Thank God for showing me the past hurts and pains that has been holding me back.
Didnt think that what Deborah did and what Adam did had a hold on me.
I didnt think that I was afraid that people will leave me again. although truth is revealed, but the hurt is caused and there is a wound. and people who have left did not walk back. Most did not. In fact it showed the true side of their nature and it hurt.
I get that there will be people in my life who are not destined to walk the journey with me, but it is always easier to walk away from them than for them to reject me and walk away from me without finding out the truth but based on what they see and what they hear and whom they believed.
I do not like broken relationships. I have yet to experience a full restoration except with Sandra. Even with yiling, there seem to still be some walls. And I am sad. I guess our faith separates us too.
Lord help me.
Keep my heart soft and tender.
Thank you for the cleansing and purification process.
I know I started off with good intentions, to get this resolved and sorted cos it is not good to be separated. However, my pursuit for justice has turned it into a fight for justice for me. And perhaps I am the one who is not listening to God.
So I commit this to God.
I prayed and ask that I might get to see Vonny if He wants me to talk to her. And I did run into her at LVN. I missed her on Sat and on Sun.
But there, she rejected me. Its odd. Thought that since God allowed the meeting to happen, it should be smooth, but oh wells, I have learnt stuff from it too, so perhaps that process was for me. :)
Now again, I commit this to Him. I will be taking this to the next step. And the final result I want is peace between the 2 of us. Not who is right or wrong.
I dont know what it is going to take.
And I will speak to Wan Hei about this. If she chooses not to pursue it, I will respect her decision. She is after all placed in her position by God. And I trust God, that He will speak to her and lead her. I know that she will pray about it. And if I am not hearing well from God cos of my heart condition, God will and can use someone else.
I am using her as a confirmation and the pace maker for God's timing.
After this, my part is done. I have done all that I can and I have no further regrets.
Thank God for showing me the past hurts and pains that has been holding me back.
Didnt think that what Deborah did and what Adam did had a hold on me.
I didnt think that I was afraid that people will leave me again. although truth is revealed, but the hurt is caused and there is a wound. and people who have left did not walk back. Most did not. In fact it showed the true side of their nature and it hurt.
I get that there will be people in my life who are not destined to walk the journey with me, but it is always easier to walk away from them than for them to reject me and walk away from me without finding out the truth but based on what they see and what they hear and whom they believed.
I do not like broken relationships. I have yet to experience a full restoration except with Sandra. Even with yiling, there seem to still be some walls. And I am sad. I guess our faith separates us too.
Lord help me.
Keep my heart soft and tender.
Thank you for the cleansing and purification process.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
29 Jun 2011 - V
spoke with her last night. Well, not really spoke with, but to. Said that we need to talk and she said that we didnt need to.
Definitely didnt like her tone of voice.
If i were to place an emotion to it, sounded like she was disgusted that I would even speak with her.
I was a little taken aback with her tone. Couldnt really feel anything till now.
I am actually rather upset. not sure what emotion to place it on. But I know it is affecting me.
What crime did I do for her to treat me this way?
Its not like I am desperate for her friendship. I just want to make things right.
How can we as leaders encourage our team members when we cant do what we preach to them - to love and to forgive?
I am saddened that she is not open to having a conversation with me to clear things up.
It wasnt really that big a thing.
I know that I did not think deep enough and at that point in time, did not even realise that it was wrong. I have done little sneaky things like that before and as I learn and grow, I'm only trying to live with integrity.
But I am human aint I? I make mistakes too. And I am just constantly trying to improve when I become aware of it.
Unfortunately not everyone is that way. I guess each of us have our own timings. e.g. Misha. That's another story.
Back to Vonny.
What in the world did I do that cause such deep hatred towards me?
Its not like I did it deliberately.
why can she not understand it?
I dont know.
sigh.
I am sad.
I am sad, cos there's nothing I can do about it.
and I am sad, cos I know that the one to suffer will be her.
god knows my thoughts and my heart. And He knows that I never intended to cause her harm.
My intentions from start to now were only to help.
I know I have been misunderstood and if she chooses not to forgive me, it is not my problem. It is something that she has to take up with God.
And if she wants to carry the bitterness around with her cos of what she perceived I did = lie to her, and what I wrote on my fb, then there's really nothing that I can do.
What I wrote was not to communicate anything to her.
I had to encourage myself. I was feeling down. Alot had been happening that week.
Was that wrong? I do not think so.
Its what I took from the sermons I had been listening to.
If she took it personally and refuses to listen to my explanation, there is nothing I can do.
And God knows my heart. He knows how hurt I was.
I am glad that i do not hold it against her. although what she said about me needing professional help hurt. That remark stung. but I know that she too has been hurt through everything that happened.
I really wish that this can be cleared up. At least there can be healing for both parties.
God, give me grace.
Sometimes it feels really difficult to be a Christian.
I want to be obedient and not gossip, not complain. Yet sometimes, its so much easier to let everything out.
Like how I feel now. I wish I could speak to someone about it and unload the burden. But 1 - there is no one I can speak with.
2 - even if i do speak with someone, it is to get their sympathy. They really cant do anything much for me. And this is not even something about advice, which I would have people whom I can speak with.
I can see and sense myself changing. I dont know if this is good or not.
But in the past, I would have rattled on her to someone to just let go steam. But this time round, I am keeping almost everything to myself.
I know I spoke with Allan and Sylvia about it, but intention was to get Chris to be the mediator. And if it does not work, we'll see what Chris says. but this matter has to come out in the open.
I am not afraid of my mistake. I acknowledge that I was not living with integrity by deciding on that option. And I have learnt from that mistake. And there are still things that God is straightening up in my life. Such as downloading and my tithing. These are little things, but it concerns my faith in God. To be able to have access to these things and do it the right way.
Its still a process and a struggle in some aspects.
And I know my heart is pure. At least that I can be sure.
I know God loves me and sometimes things just will not go the way I want it to.
I thank God for the grace that He provides daily for the things that I have to endure.
Be it non-recognition, criticism, being laughed at, etc.
I know day by day, I will grow stronger.
I live to glorify Him. I live to point people to Him. I live to encourage people to turn to Him for everything!
I praise Him for He is good and worthy, regardless of my circumstances.
I know that I will get through this. And even though I do not know what the outcome will be (i.e. if I'll like it), I know that it will be good and it will be for my good and growth!
Definitely didnt like her tone of voice.
If i were to place an emotion to it, sounded like she was disgusted that I would even speak with her.
I was a little taken aback with her tone. Couldnt really feel anything till now.
I am actually rather upset. not sure what emotion to place it on. But I know it is affecting me.
What crime did I do for her to treat me this way?
Its not like I am desperate for her friendship. I just want to make things right.
How can we as leaders encourage our team members when we cant do what we preach to them - to love and to forgive?
I am saddened that she is not open to having a conversation with me to clear things up.
It wasnt really that big a thing.
I know that I did not think deep enough and at that point in time, did not even realise that it was wrong. I have done little sneaky things like that before and as I learn and grow, I'm only trying to live with integrity.
But I am human aint I? I make mistakes too. And I am just constantly trying to improve when I become aware of it.
Unfortunately not everyone is that way. I guess each of us have our own timings. e.g. Misha. That's another story.
Back to Vonny.
What in the world did I do that cause such deep hatred towards me?
Its not like I did it deliberately.
why can she not understand it?
I dont know.
sigh.
I am sad.
I am sad, cos there's nothing I can do about it.
and I am sad, cos I know that the one to suffer will be her.
god knows my thoughts and my heart. And He knows that I never intended to cause her harm.
My intentions from start to now were only to help.
I know I have been misunderstood and if she chooses not to forgive me, it is not my problem. It is something that she has to take up with God.
And if she wants to carry the bitterness around with her cos of what she perceived I did = lie to her, and what I wrote on my fb, then there's really nothing that I can do.
What I wrote was not to communicate anything to her.
I had to encourage myself. I was feeling down. Alot had been happening that week.
Was that wrong? I do not think so.
Its what I took from the sermons I had been listening to.
If she took it personally and refuses to listen to my explanation, there is nothing I can do.
And God knows my heart. He knows how hurt I was.
I am glad that i do not hold it against her. although what she said about me needing professional help hurt. That remark stung. but I know that she too has been hurt through everything that happened.
I really wish that this can be cleared up. At least there can be healing for both parties.
God, give me grace.
Sometimes it feels really difficult to be a Christian.
I want to be obedient and not gossip, not complain. Yet sometimes, its so much easier to let everything out.
Like how I feel now. I wish I could speak to someone about it and unload the burden. But 1 - there is no one I can speak with.
2 - even if i do speak with someone, it is to get their sympathy. They really cant do anything much for me. And this is not even something about advice, which I would have people whom I can speak with.
I can see and sense myself changing. I dont know if this is good or not.
But in the past, I would have rattled on her to someone to just let go steam. But this time round, I am keeping almost everything to myself.
I know I spoke with Allan and Sylvia about it, but intention was to get Chris to be the mediator. And if it does not work, we'll see what Chris says. but this matter has to come out in the open.
I am not afraid of my mistake. I acknowledge that I was not living with integrity by deciding on that option. And I have learnt from that mistake. And there are still things that God is straightening up in my life. Such as downloading and my tithing. These are little things, but it concerns my faith in God. To be able to have access to these things and do it the right way.
Its still a process and a struggle in some aspects.
And I know my heart is pure. At least that I can be sure.
I know God loves me and sometimes things just will not go the way I want it to.
I thank God for the grace that He provides daily for the things that I have to endure.
Be it non-recognition, criticism, being laughed at, etc.
I know day by day, I will grow stronger.
I live to glorify Him. I live to point people to Him. I live to encourage people to turn to Him for everything!
I praise Him for He is good and worthy, regardless of my circumstances.
I know that I will get through this. And even though I do not know what the outcome will be (i.e. if I'll like it), I know that it will be good and it will be for my good and growth!
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
28 Jun 2011 - thoughts
Its difficult to jot down my thoughts when I am consciously trying to do it. However when I am feeling an emotion and I ask myself what my thoughts are, it is much easier. Or when someone is having a conversation with me. sigh...
So many thoughts keep going through my mind. Was glad that I managed to get some out yesterday and out of that came a significant discovery - that I actually had a belief that I was not good enough as a child and that was why my dad never came home.
never thought I had thought of things that way.
Regardless, it was an interesting discovery. Not sure where to head to from here. But at least I know what generates that conversation. It was not just the way my mom was with me with regards to my studies. And I guess that was why it had such a huge effect on me and my relationships with men.
Also no wonder that I never bothered about how people thought about me. But it mattered alot what the men I was interested in thought about me and I often felt insecure with them, cos i have an underlying thought that I would never be enough.
Of cos this is not the only belief I am struggling with. I am sure there is another. The I must be perfect thought is probably just the surface. Just as the I am not good enough was also the surface.
I have no idea why there is such a strong attraction to John. I hardly know him. I wish I knew how attraction works. There must be something about him and all the other men I have dated that they have in common. Wonder what it is. If it is something healthy, it is great. otherwise i'm in trouble.
I've been trying to close the door but have not been successful to date.
Hope God takes it all away overnight. Would definitely save me a heap of issues. Consciously backing off is no fun. It is such a struggle.
Conflicting thoughts:-
1. If he were interested, he would have taken my number.
Well, he invited you to his house during Queen's birthday. Perhaps he had difficulty finding activities to invite you to?!
2. If he were interested, he would ask me out.
Perhaps he needed to know you a little more before deciding if he should ask you out.
He has offered to spend time and teach you guitar.
But he might have felt obliged to teach me guitar cos I gave him a guitar!
3. Dhani said before that a guy wouldnt spend time on something/someone that he is not interested in.
But he teaches a couple of people other stuff too - english for one. So does that mean he is interested in them?
4. If he was attracted to me, he would chat with me when he sees me online. But he doesnt.
5. He comes to see me on sundays whilst I am finishing up discovery.
He speaks to and greats everyone!
Too many thoughts.
I just need to lay this aside and not bother about it.
I need to focus.
- CG
- Personal growth - Need to get the relationship with Vonny sorted out
- Guitar - personal achievement
- Korean language - so I can reach out to the korean community, which is growing. This way I might be able to teach them the english language too.
Issue with Vonny - I only know I do not like the situation. I hate cold wars. And this is an absolute cold war.
I cannot understand why people actually want to fight!
And to think people hate confrontation. This is worse. Confrontation, there is a fight, but things get cleared up and better understanding.
But God help me to identify what my heart desires and guide me that I desire what he is after - reconciliation.
We are both leaders. We are both discipling other christians. How can we get them to walk in love and in peace if we are at war?
Disunity is not from God. And I do not want to be holy.
But I am unaware of what my subconscious is thinking. So I pray that I can focus on what God wants and not my subconscious.
Need to remind that my approaching Vonny is to make things right. Not so that I can be heard. God will ensure of that and if He hasnt, and doesnt, then it is not important enough. I have to trust Him.
I need to make things right.
I know my choices created results that have caused Vonny harm and I am really sorry about it.
but I do not know what to cover so there is reconciliation.
I did not need her friendship. I just wanted to help and thought I was helping.
I am certain it was a misunderstanding. Somehow along the lines, communication dropped out.
There was no need for me to lie to her. What benefit do I get? Not sure if this is necessary to bring up.
My purpose is not to have her understand what happened. If that's what she desires, I will explain. But my purpose is to reconcile this broken relationship so we can have growth in our lives and our ministry.
What needs to happen for a reconciliation?
Lord help me!
I will pursue this till it is resolved.
I know I have not been successful reaching her. And I will not get frustrated with it. I take it that it is not the right time yet. When the right time comes, God will open the doors for me to reach her and we can talk things through.
I believe I am ready and I hope I am not wrong about it. I hope she is too.
So many thoughts keep going through my mind. Was glad that I managed to get some out yesterday and out of that came a significant discovery - that I actually had a belief that I was not good enough as a child and that was why my dad never came home.
never thought I had thought of things that way.
Regardless, it was an interesting discovery. Not sure where to head to from here. But at least I know what generates that conversation. It was not just the way my mom was with me with regards to my studies. And I guess that was why it had such a huge effect on me and my relationships with men.
Also no wonder that I never bothered about how people thought about me. But it mattered alot what the men I was interested in thought about me and I often felt insecure with them, cos i have an underlying thought that I would never be enough.
Of cos this is not the only belief I am struggling with. I am sure there is another. The I must be perfect thought is probably just the surface. Just as the I am not good enough was also the surface.
I have no idea why there is such a strong attraction to John. I hardly know him. I wish I knew how attraction works. There must be something about him and all the other men I have dated that they have in common. Wonder what it is. If it is something healthy, it is great. otherwise i'm in trouble.
I've been trying to close the door but have not been successful to date.
Hope God takes it all away overnight. Would definitely save me a heap of issues. Consciously backing off is no fun. It is such a struggle.
Conflicting thoughts:-
1. If he were interested, he would have taken my number.
Well, he invited you to his house during Queen's birthday. Perhaps he had difficulty finding activities to invite you to?!
2. If he were interested, he would ask me out.
Perhaps he needed to know you a little more before deciding if he should ask you out.
He has offered to spend time and teach you guitar.
But he might have felt obliged to teach me guitar cos I gave him a guitar!
3. Dhani said before that a guy wouldnt spend time on something/someone that he is not interested in.
But he teaches a couple of people other stuff too - english for one. So does that mean he is interested in them?
4. If he was attracted to me, he would chat with me when he sees me online. But he doesnt.
5. He comes to see me on sundays whilst I am finishing up discovery.
He speaks to and greats everyone!
Too many thoughts.
I just need to lay this aside and not bother about it.
I need to focus.
- CG
- Personal growth - Need to get the relationship with Vonny sorted out
- Guitar - personal achievement
- Korean language - so I can reach out to the korean community, which is growing. This way I might be able to teach them the english language too.
Issue with Vonny - I only know I do not like the situation. I hate cold wars. And this is an absolute cold war.
I cannot understand why people actually want to fight!
And to think people hate confrontation. This is worse. Confrontation, there is a fight, but things get cleared up and better understanding.
But God help me to identify what my heart desires and guide me that I desire what he is after - reconciliation.
We are both leaders. We are both discipling other christians. How can we get them to walk in love and in peace if we are at war?
Disunity is not from God. And I do not want to be holy.
But I am unaware of what my subconscious is thinking. So I pray that I can focus on what God wants and not my subconscious.
Need to remind that my approaching Vonny is to make things right. Not so that I can be heard. God will ensure of that and if He hasnt, and doesnt, then it is not important enough. I have to trust Him.
I need to make things right.
I know my choices created results that have caused Vonny harm and I am really sorry about it.
but I do not know what to cover so there is reconciliation.
I did not need her friendship. I just wanted to help and thought I was helping.
I am certain it was a misunderstanding. Somehow along the lines, communication dropped out.
There was no need for me to lie to her. What benefit do I get? Not sure if this is necessary to bring up.
My purpose is not to have her understand what happened. If that's what she desires, I will explain. But my purpose is to reconcile this broken relationship so we can have growth in our lives and our ministry.
What needs to happen for a reconciliation?
Lord help me!
I will pursue this till it is resolved.
I know I have not been successful reaching her. And I will not get frustrated with it. I take it that it is not the right time yet. When the right time comes, God will open the doors for me to reach her and we can talk things through.
I believe I am ready and I hope I am not wrong about it. I hope she is too.
Friday, June 24, 2011
24 Jun 2011 - How much longer
Its been more than 3 decades and I am still fighting.
How much longer is this going to last?
I kinda understand how the criminals feel when they are let out of jail, having done their penance and wanting to start all over again, yet society, their family and those they have hurt still view them in the same light as before they were put in jail. No wonder they become repeat offenders. It is much safer inside, wearing the label they've been given than out there in the world trying to start over again.
This is the same for any kind of offence. Even emotional ones.
For years, I have fought a battle. Only to inch forward little by little each decade. The progress seems slow. But it is progress. Starting from accepting the fault/weakness to increasing awareness to being able to hold back once aware.
But the eyes looking at me, staring at me see me with the same glasses they've had on before the transformation began. And many times, I've wondered if the effort is worth anything at all. It is tiring and all consuming and without help and support, it is a lonely journey; fighting for I dont know what and I dont know who.
I wish the people who walked away never did. I know I cant change the past. And coming to terms with that fact is not easy, least to say filled with pain.
And although I know that I have improved, being able to listen to what people say and not be defensive about it and look at my own actions and go... Hold on, they might be right. Let's do something different about it... it still doesnt change the fact that right at this moment, I am still not there. And it is a dreading thought of when I will get there, and even IF I would even get there. Meanwhile, many others who cross my path continues to walk away from me.
The pain of rejection should spur me on and cause me to fight harder for those who have chosen to stay, to repay their trust, hopes and effort in me. Yet very often, that same pain causes me to want to give up.
I can see the signs. Binging, starving, all based on how depressed I feel - although I was not aware, now I am. It seems like I am all well and fine but the change, the swing in my eating habits reveal something. And that something says I am very affected yet I had denied all things. There isnt health in my diet. They are extremes. Either not eating or eating alot. That is not healthy.
It takes much effort to stop it all.
I feel so stuck.
i can see and identify so many things I do to attract attention. And I dont like it. I fight it. And the fight is so uncomfortable, cos it is not the normal way I go about doing things. I fight myself. Its hard.
If I didnt have God, I think it would be a lost battle. His presence gives me hope. His presence allows me to hold on and hang in there, cos I know His promise is real. His love is real. And He is for me.
One day I know I will be rid of all my biased perceptions towards people and the world and I can see people the way God intended for us to see each other - with love and as precious gems.
I will stop reacting due to my past and hot thoughts. I will be able to respond with love. I praise God for that and I wait for the day the transformation is complete.
How much longer is this going to last?
I kinda understand how the criminals feel when they are let out of jail, having done their penance and wanting to start all over again, yet society, their family and those they have hurt still view them in the same light as before they were put in jail. No wonder they become repeat offenders. It is much safer inside, wearing the label they've been given than out there in the world trying to start over again.
This is the same for any kind of offence. Even emotional ones.
For years, I have fought a battle. Only to inch forward little by little each decade. The progress seems slow. But it is progress. Starting from accepting the fault/weakness to increasing awareness to being able to hold back once aware.
But the eyes looking at me, staring at me see me with the same glasses they've had on before the transformation began. And many times, I've wondered if the effort is worth anything at all. It is tiring and all consuming and without help and support, it is a lonely journey; fighting for I dont know what and I dont know who.
I wish the people who walked away never did. I know I cant change the past. And coming to terms with that fact is not easy, least to say filled with pain.
And although I know that I have improved, being able to listen to what people say and not be defensive about it and look at my own actions and go... Hold on, they might be right. Let's do something different about it... it still doesnt change the fact that right at this moment, I am still not there. And it is a dreading thought of when I will get there, and even IF I would even get there. Meanwhile, many others who cross my path continues to walk away from me.
The pain of rejection should spur me on and cause me to fight harder for those who have chosen to stay, to repay their trust, hopes and effort in me. Yet very often, that same pain causes me to want to give up.
I can see the signs. Binging, starving, all based on how depressed I feel - although I was not aware, now I am. It seems like I am all well and fine but the change, the swing in my eating habits reveal something. And that something says I am very affected yet I had denied all things. There isnt health in my diet. They are extremes. Either not eating or eating alot. That is not healthy.
It takes much effort to stop it all.
I feel so stuck.
i can see and identify so many things I do to attract attention. And I dont like it. I fight it. And the fight is so uncomfortable, cos it is not the normal way I go about doing things. I fight myself. Its hard.
If I didnt have God, I think it would be a lost battle. His presence gives me hope. His presence allows me to hold on and hang in there, cos I know His promise is real. His love is real. And He is for me.
One day I know I will be rid of all my biased perceptions towards people and the world and I can see people the way God intended for us to see each other - with love and as precious gems.
I will stop reacting due to my past and hot thoughts. I will be able to respond with love. I praise God for that and I wait for the day the transformation is complete.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
18 Jun 2011 - Stranger
Suddenly, I feel like I dont know my friends anymore. Everyone is into brand names and luxury living. Not that i dont have a desire for it.. i just never saw the value. I even crave it cos everyone else is into it and if i wasnt, i felt like i was a failure.
but after the ben incident, where he kept talking about all the luxury brands he splurges on, and now san's job is consultant for luxury lifestyle, i dont know anymore. hearing them talk about brands.. i feel like i hardly know them now... I dont know if i am feeling jealous and i hope not. that last thing i wana do is to feel that way.
yet i duno how to shake this feelings i have. have my friends changed? or have i changed? i was never a fan of brands... perhaps cos i could never afford it. but also, i had to see that it was value for money. not value for name. it has to last. it has to be worthy in quality before i would recognise a brand name.
daddy god, i dont know the right from wrong it seems. help me.
helpme to behave the right way even though i dont feel that way. teach me what is right. keep me from the temptation of sinning against my brothers and sisters. help me forgive. help me to love.
but after the ben incident, where he kept talking about all the luxury brands he splurges on, and now san's job is consultant for luxury lifestyle, i dont know anymore. hearing them talk about brands.. i feel like i hardly know them now... I dont know if i am feeling jealous and i hope not. that last thing i wana do is to feel that way.
yet i duno how to shake this feelings i have. have my friends changed? or have i changed? i was never a fan of brands... perhaps cos i could never afford it. but also, i had to see that it was value for money. not value for name. it has to last. it has to be worthy in quality before i would recognise a brand name.
daddy god, i dont know the right from wrong it seems. help me.
helpme to behave the right way even though i dont feel that way. teach me what is right. keep me from the temptation of sinning against my brothers and sisters. help me forgive. help me to love.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
16 Jun 2011 - Hanging in there
Feel like crying.
I know this is just a season. I know this is temporary. I know this will pass.
Questions is WHEN?!
That really messes with my head.
I know I am in a refining process.
I know I will be fine.
I know I will get out better and stronger.
But I feel so torn. Torn by what my mind is telling me and what I am feeling and what I am observing from others and what my counsellor is telling me.
What IS the right thing? What is the right way?
Some say I am well and do not need to go for counselling. Cos God's grace is more than sufficient to cover it. And Jesus has already healed me of ALL things. The healing is internal and will take time to manifest. Just as an operation to remove something bad is internal, but once the healing takes place, externally the scars will go away and the pain too.
Some (Joyce, Dr Robi, Paul Scanlon) say its just a matter of changing my mindset.
Yet it feels like such a hard struggle that I sometimes wonder if they are right?
I guess they are and the questioning comes from the devil cos he doesnt want me to get better. He wants me down. He wants me broken and dysfunctional. Then I cannot do what God has planned for me to do.
And I refuse to stay down.
God is with me.
God loves me.
God gives me the strength to endure by relying on Him, by turning to Him.
My soul grieves when I see things that are happening in the world that I desire yet do not have.
Such as a life partner - someone who loves me and is willing to dedicate his life to journey mine with me. To go through "thick and thin" with me.
Cos that's how I am and would be with my partner, unwilling to give up, I expect the same, yet many have disappointed me. And they've ended up with other partners whom they were willing to dedicate their life and take the journey with them.
Makes me feel as though I were too demanding. That I ask for too much. That I am not good enough. That I am difficult to get along.
And all of that makes me sad.
Cos i dont think I am difficult to get along.
you just need to understand me and know why I say and do what I do.
I am lovable. I am loving, just like anyone else.
I am desirable. I am attractive. I am intelligent.
And I am worth the trouble to pursue.
And finishing 2 packets of chips definitely do NOT help me feel any better than I already do. In fact I feel worse. I have been thrown into a self-pity mode. And I hate it.
But this too shall pass. This is temporal. My mense is coming. I am feeling emotional. I am also tired and on the verge of falling sick cos of insufficient rest.
God gives me sufficient grace to deal with all situations. Jesus has already gone before me and overcome ALL, including this situation/season that I am in. And I will draw strength from that.
Being single does NOT make me any less worthy.
Having had several men walk out of my life does NOT make me any less valuable.
Letting several men break my heart does NOT make me any less desirable.
God has a plan for me. He promised that He is taking me to a higher level. But He has to deal with my weaknesses first.
I had initially thought my temper was what He was referring to. And perhaps it is one of my weaknesses. But now I believe it is more than that.
Relationships - specifically BGR is my weakness. I fall quick and easily. Usually for the wrong guy. And I get hurt. I do not wait it out and test the person to see if the person is what he says he is and takes his word for it. I trust and I fall and I end up hurting.
This has to stop.
Also, fantasizing about being with the guy is wrong. It is a sin. It is not doing any me good. I get a disillusional picture of the person and paint a way too perfect person. I dont get to know the person for who they are except for what I have conjured in my head.
First, I have to deal with my attitude/belief/perspective that I am a problem because I am single.
I am NOT a problem.
There is NOTHING wrong with me being single.
the voice says - "Its cos no one wants you that is why you are single"
NO!
Too many people want me. But I have been making the mistake of NOT choosing wisely which has caused me hurt. If I had waited, held back and chosen wisely, I would not have let these people into my heart and I would have walked away from them, instead of them walking away from me, cos they were never the right for me.
The only mistake that I have made is not choosing wisely. Not waiting, not holding back.
Not anything else.
I have to remember that I am worth it. I am precious and I need to be sure that the person whom I am giving my heart to has the capacity to and is WILLING to take care of my heart with all their might.
I am a precious princess. Delicate, fragile. Not everyone who says that they will take care of me will do it. They have to be tested. And until proven, their words cannot be trusted.
I am beautiful. I am attractive, I am desirable, I am lovable. I am worthy. I am perfect. There is no fault with me.
I can do this.
With God, I can get through this.
God is bringing me to a higher level.
The new season will come.
What I have is now. And I WILL enjoy this season.
I have a new guitar.
I have a love for music.
I have a love for languages.
I will master my guitar.
I will master the korean language.
Doing all of that does not make me any better. It just allows me to enjoy what I like.
Thank You Lord for Your gifts.
The Love of music, the love for languages, the clear and sound mind, quick thinking and reflexes.
The Peace that I know I have, to give me stability and comfort.
The redemption and forgiveness of my sins.
And the knowing that You love me and only have good plans for me.
I will rejoice and give thanks regardless of what I see in my circumstances; regardless of the worries in my heart.
I lay my cares at God's feet.
He knows what I need and when I need it. I do what I can in the natural and He provides the supernatural.
It is not dependant on what I do or how much I do. It all comes from His grace. So even if i make mistakes or I am not perfect and have not done things the way that I could, He will still deliver, cos He sees me righteous just as Christ is, for I am righteous in Christ Jesus.
God's grace is a gift. It cannot be worked for. There is nothing I do that can increase or decrease His love for me. My perfection is in Christ Jesus.
It is done. It is finished.
Amen!
I know this is just a season. I know this is temporary. I know this will pass.
Questions is WHEN?!
That really messes with my head.
I know I am in a refining process.
I know I will be fine.
I know I will get out better and stronger.
But I feel so torn. Torn by what my mind is telling me and what I am feeling and what I am observing from others and what my counsellor is telling me.
What IS the right thing? What is the right way?
Some say I am well and do not need to go for counselling. Cos God's grace is more than sufficient to cover it. And Jesus has already healed me of ALL things. The healing is internal and will take time to manifest. Just as an operation to remove something bad is internal, but once the healing takes place, externally the scars will go away and the pain too.
Some (Joyce, Dr Robi, Paul Scanlon) say its just a matter of changing my mindset.
Yet it feels like such a hard struggle that I sometimes wonder if they are right?
I guess they are and the questioning comes from the devil cos he doesnt want me to get better. He wants me down. He wants me broken and dysfunctional. Then I cannot do what God has planned for me to do.
And I refuse to stay down.
God is with me.
God loves me.
God gives me the strength to endure by relying on Him, by turning to Him.
My soul grieves when I see things that are happening in the world that I desire yet do not have.
Such as a life partner - someone who loves me and is willing to dedicate his life to journey mine with me. To go through "thick and thin" with me.
Cos that's how I am and would be with my partner, unwilling to give up, I expect the same, yet many have disappointed me. And they've ended up with other partners whom they were willing to dedicate their life and take the journey with them.
Makes me feel as though I were too demanding. That I ask for too much. That I am not good enough. That I am difficult to get along.
And all of that makes me sad.
Cos i dont think I am difficult to get along.
you just need to understand me and know why I say and do what I do.
I am lovable. I am loving, just like anyone else.
I am desirable. I am attractive. I am intelligent.
And I am worth the trouble to pursue.
And finishing 2 packets of chips definitely do NOT help me feel any better than I already do. In fact I feel worse. I have been thrown into a self-pity mode. And I hate it.
But this too shall pass. This is temporal. My mense is coming. I am feeling emotional. I am also tired and on the verge of falling sick cos of insufficient rest.
God gives me sufficient grace to deal with all situations. Jesus has already gone before me and overcome ALL, including this situation/season that I am in. And I will draw strength from that.
Being single does NOT make me any less worthy.
Having had several men walk out of my life does NOT make me any less valuable.
Letting several men break my heart does NOT make me any less desirable.
God has a plan for me. He promised that He is taking me to a higher level. But He has to deal with my weaknesses first.
I had initially thought my temper was what He was referring to. And perhaps it is one of my weaknesses. But now I believe it is more than that.
Relationships - specifically BGR is my weakness. I fall quick and easily. Usually for the wrong guy. And I get hurt. I do not wait it out and test the person to see if the person is what he says he is and takes his word for it. I trust and I fall and I end up hurting.
This has to stop.
Also, fantasizing about being with the guy is wrong. It is a sin. It is not doing any me good. I get a disillusional picture of the person and paint a way too perfect person. I dont get to know the person for who they are except for what I have conjured in my head.
First, I have to deal with my attitude/belief/perspective that I am a problem because I am single.
I am NOT a problem.
There is NOTHING wrong with me being single.
the voice says - "Its cos no one wants you that is why you are single"
NO!
Too many people want me. But I have been making the mistake of NOT choosing wisely which has caused me hurt. If I had waited, held back and chosen wisely, I would not have let these people into my heart and I would have walked away from them, instead of them walking away from me, cos they were never the right for me.
The only mistake that I have made is not choosing wisely. Not waiting, not holding back.
Not anything else.
I have to remember that I am worth it. I am precious and I need to be sure that the person whom I am giving my heart to has the capacity to and is WILLING to take care of my heart with all their might.
I am a precious princess. Delicate, fragile. Not everyone who says that they will take care of me will do it. They have to be tested. And until proven, their words cannot be trusted.
I am beautiful. I am attractive, I am desirable, I am lovable. I am worthy. I am perfect. There is no fault with me.
I can do this.
With God, I can get through this.
God is bringing me to a higher level.
The new season will come.
What I have is now. And I WILL enjoy this season.
I have a new guitar.
I have a love for music.
I have a love for languages.
I will master my guitar.
I will master the korean language.
Doing all of that does not make me any better. It just allows me to enjoy what I like.
Thank You Lord for Your gifts.
The Love of music, the love for languages, the clear and sound mind, quick thinking and reflexes.
The Peace that I know I have, to give me stability and comfort.
The redemption and forgiveness of my sins.
And the knowing that You love me and only have good plans for me.
I will rejoice and give thanks regardless of what I see in my circumstances; regardless of the worries in my heart.
I lay my cares at God's feet.
He knows what I need and when I need it. I do what I can in the natural and He provides the supernatural.
It is not dependant on what I do or how much I do. It all comes from His grace. So even if i make mistakes or I am not perfect and have not done things the way that I could, He will still deliver, cos He sees me righteous just as Christ is, for I am righteous in Christ Jesus.
God's grace is a gift. It cannot be worked for. There is nothing I do that can increase or decrease His love for me. My perfection is in Christ Jesus.
It is done. It is finished.
Amen!
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
15 Jun 2011 - I am angry
Apart from finding out what happened yesterday, reading today on the subject of praying in tongues brought to mind the conversation that i had with ben regarding praying in tongues. and I am angry. i feel a surge of self-righteousness coming to the surface.
Feel like saying the following to him and i'm sure there will be more when I am done.
- who do you think you are to say that speaking in tongues is not a gift for all? God gave it to all through the Holy Spirit. It is a gift for personal devotion with God. There's scientific proof as well that it does us well. Why can you not see the benefits? Not saying that you are any less if you do not have the gift but that you can ask for the gift.
dont want to sound like a sour grape. But I cant help feeling angry with Ben still.
I'm angry that he lied to me and led me on. If he did not have the intentions to work out something with me, why give me the impression that he had? It is not a game and already told him that I do not wish to play any games.
As an old friend, I thought that he would be honest. I didnt think that he would play such a dirty hand.
honestly, I didnt have to get together with him. I am not THAT desparate. It seemed like a nice thought getting back together with someone whom I dated before. Someone whom I dont remember much about and could possibly start afresh.
but he took advantage of that and used christianity and God to give the impression that he was an honest bloke. Said that he had no need to lie to me. But he did!
And when he changed his mind, he did not even have the decency to tell me anything about it. Just disappeared. I really hate guys like that. Totally irresponsible.
I am really hurt. I was not respected, nor honoured nor valued. And I am a princess, a daughter of God, made to be loved and treasured. I am precious. Yet someone who claims to be a son of God would actually be so careless with me.
I am upset with myself that I had actually allowed someone so callous so close into my life.
I really want to cry. Yet I cant. I dont know why.
2 Tim 3:5 - Beware of those who call themselves Christians and know everything of the bible, yet do not have the Holy Spirit in them and do not believe, nor are they honest.
I pray that God gives me the wisdom, to be able to discern the fake and phoney from the real. And to surround me with people who will guard me and keep me safe.
That I will learn to guard my heart against ALL things.
Psalm 4 - I leave my cares to God. He is my Vindicator. He has seen ALL that has happened. With Ben, with Vonny and He will bring the rewards to them. I refuse to hold on to the injustice, cos One who is the Greatest of them all has promised that He will Deliver me.
I shall hold on to the Peace, the Shalom Peace that Jesus left for me. and I will Trust in God and hold on to His Goodness and Promises, even though I do not see anything yet. I KNOW that God is working on my behalf.
I am Righteous. I am Beautiful. I am Attractive and I am worth Pursuing. God has someone who will treasure me and love me and not be careless with my heart.
I am WORTH IT!
Feel like saying the following to him and i'm sure there will be more when I am done.
- who do you think you are to say that speaking in tongues is not a gift for all? God gave it to all through the Holy Spirit. It is a gift for personal devotion with God. There's scientific proof as well that it does us well. Why can you not see the benefits? Not saying that you are any less if you do not have the gift but that you can ask for the gift.
dont want to sound like a sour grape. But I cant help feeling angry with Ben still.
I'm angry that he lied to me and led me on. If he did not have the intentions to work out something with me, why give me the impression that he had? It is not a game and already told him that I do not wish to play any games.
As an old friend, I thought that he would be honest. I didnt think that he would play such a dirty hand.
honestly, I didnt have to get together with him. I am not THAT desparate. It seemed like a nice thought getting back together with someone whom I dated before. Someone whom I dont remember much about and could possibly start afresh.
but he took advantage of that and used christianity and God to give the impression that he was an honest bloke. Said that he had no need to lie to me. But he did!
And when he changed his mind, he did not even have the decency to tell me anything about it. Just disappeared. I really hate guys like that. Totally irresponsible.
I am really hurt. I was not respected, nor honoured nor valued. And I am a princess, a daughter of God, made to be loved and treasured. I am precious. Yet someone who claims to be a son of God would actually be so careless with me.
I am upset with myself that I had actually allowed someone so callous so close into my life.
I really want to cry. Yet I cant. I dont know why.
2 Tim 3:5 - Beware of those who call themselves Christians and know everything of the bible, yet do not have the Holy Spirit in them and do not believe, nor are they honest.
I pray that God gives me the wisdom, to be able to discern the fake and phoney from the real. And to surround me with people who will guard me and keep me safe.
That I will learn to guard my heart against ALL things.
Psalm 4 - I leave my cares to God. He is my Vindicator. He has seen ALL that has happened. With Ben, with Vonny and He will bring the rewards to them. I refuse to hold on to the injustice, cos One who is the Greatest of them all has promised that He will Deliver me.
I shall hold on to the Peace, the Shalom Peace that Jesus left for me. and I will Trust in God and hold on to His Goodness and Promises, even though I do not see anything yet. I KNOW that God is working on my behalf.
I am Righteous. I am Beautiful. I am Attractive and I am worth Pursuing. God has someone who will treasure me and love me and not be careless with my heart.
I am WORTH IT!
Friday, June 10, 2011
10 Jun 2011 - Indignant
I am upset. And I am well aware that there are a heap of negative thoughts running through my mind now. Alot had to do with what's been happening over the last few days as well as what the counsellor said last night.
I am sure she was just trying to help me. However the message I received when she said that I need to change the way I communicated, so that from aggressive, it becomes assertive, which is more openly received.
However what I heard or the message I received was -
"you are the problem (again)"
"see, you are always wrong. God cant do anything in your life"
"Told you so, you have to change to suit people. People will not love you the way you are."
"She says they cannot see you, but that's a lie. Even if they can see you, they are not willing to accept you. you are not good enough. you will never be good enough. Give up. Forget it. Forget about changing"
and from what I know and have been focusing on the last few days, attitudes matter alot. the way I look at things matter. My perspectives matter.
And I know that my counsellor is NOT my enemy. The friend who refuses to make peace is NOT my enemy. The friend who decides to walk out on my life is NOT my enemy. The devil is. And I REFUSE to take offence to what they are doing or saying.
I know the way I am dealing with what I feel is not the best. But it is what I know. And I know that God is changing the way I think, so I will stop feeling what I feel.
What I do NOT know is whether it matter what I feel or not?!
Psychologists and counsellors seem to have a very different idea to that compared to what Joyce meyer preaches.
Lord, open my eyes and show me! I want to do it YOUR way, not Joyce, not the counsellor, not mine. Yours!
And I DO believe it is not as complicated as what many say it is. I do believe it is as simple as changing my perspective and attitude.
And regardless of the blowups and mistakes that I might make now, You are holy and You are righteous and You still LOVE ME! And I AM Holy, I AM Righteous. And You HAVE good plans for me, regardless of how I am right now. You know what You got when You chose me, when You called me. There is nothing else that I can do that can please You.
I thank You for Your love. I thank You for Loving me! I thank You for Jesus.
I WILL use what is in my hands to grow it and increase it. And You WILL fulfill the desires of my heart. I WILL step out boldly and not be afraid of my weaknesses cos You give me strength and You cover what I give to you.
Thank you God!
Amen!
I am sure she was just trying to help me. However the message I received when she said that I need to change the way I communicated, so that from aggressive, it becomes assertive, which is more openly received.
However what I heard or the message I received was -
"you are the problem (again)"
"see, you are always wrong. God cant do anything in your life"
"Told you so, you have to change to suit people. People will not love you the way you are."
"She says they cannot see you, but that's a lie. Even if they can see you, they are not willing to accept you. you are not good enough. you will never be good enough. Give up. Forget it. Forget about changing"
and from what I know and have been focusing on the last few days, attitudes matter alot. the way I look at things matter. My perspectives matter.
And I know that my counsellor is NOT my enemy. The friend who refuses to make peace is NOT my enemy. The friend who decides to walk out on my life is NOT my enemy. The devil is. And I REFUSE to take offence to what they are doing or saying.
I know the way I am dealing with what I feel is not the best. But it is what I know. And I know that God is changing the way I think, so I will stop feeling what I feel.
What I do NOT know is whether it matter what I feel or not?!
Psychologists and counsellors seem to have a very different idea to that compared to what Joyce meyer preaches.
Lord, open my eyes and show me! I want to do it YOUR way, not Joyce, not the counsellor, not mine. Yours!
And I DO believe it is not as complicated as what many say it is. I do believe it is as simple as changing my perspective and attitude.
And regardless of the blowups and mistakes that I might make now, You are holy and You are righteous and You still LOVE ME! And I AM Holy, I AM Righteous. And You HAVE good plans for me, regardless of how I am right now. You know what You got when You chose me, when You called me. There is nothing else that I can do that can please You.
I thank You for Your love. I thank You for Loving me! I thank You for Jesus.
I WILL use what is in my hands to grow it and increase it. And You WILL fulfill the desires of my heart. I WILL step out boldly and not be afraid of my weaknesses cos You give me strength and You cover what I give to you.
Thank you God!
Amen!
Thursday, June 9, 2011
8 Jun 2011 - Fighting the urges
Felt better this morning when I woke. However, as the hours pass, the urges seem to get worse.
There are so many things that I seem to have to fight. And I am trusting that God gives me the strength to persevere through them all.
- Confrontation with Vonny - to find out for how much longer does she intend to ignore me as if i do not exist, all because of a misunderstanding. But I know I am PMSing, which means that I have heightened emotions and what I feel might not be really what I wana do. I would prefer God to lead me in His right timing rather than go off on my own and try to fix things.
- Checking up on Ben - to see if he's had any activity in fb or whatsapp. but I know that if i do that, long term, it'll just make me more upset. So going to starve myself off this.
- Eating sweets and carbs. I know it'll satisfy my cravings in the short term, but I know that I will reap the effects of it tomorrow - the PMS becomes worse. Whereas if I were to starve it now, and feed myself the right foods - beef, nuts, etc; tomorrow I will definitely feel much better.
- Not holding back my emotions and lashing out at others. Already I have been irate/annoyed at a few people today and I know that I have also "let go" some steam through my short curt tones. I pretend I do not know what they are talking about, making them look silly, feel silly. I felt glee when doing it, and then guilt when I realise I am doing it. And once I stop and pull the reins in, I feel that internal "energy" trying to escape and break out through my skin. My head starts pounding.
But I REFUSE to give in.
Resisting giving in to my cravings, which I shall call them my flesh, is having such a physical effect on me now. Or perhaps I never used to notice it. The "hairs" on my skin seems to "stand". I can feel some kind of underlying current. As if something from inside of me wants to break out of my skin and escape.
sigh... Regardless, I will fight it. I will persevere. I know that God has given me sufficient grace to deal with it. God does not allow me to experience more than what I can. So if He is allowing me to experience this and even though I feel unbearable, i know that I have the grace to handle it and I CAN handle it.
I refuse to give in and satisfy my flesh. I am a new creation. My old ways are dead and crucified with Christ. I AM righteous in Christ Jesus. I can do what God wants me to do. I CAN do the right things even though it feels like shit!
I CAN!
Amen!
There are so many things that I seem to have to fight. And I am trusting that God gives me the strength to persevere through them all.
- Confrontation with Vonny - to find out for how much longer does she intend to ignore me as if i do not exist, all because of a misunderstanding. But I know I am PMSing, which means that I have heightened emotions and what I feel might not be really what I wana do. I would prefer God to lead me in His right timing rather than go off on my own and try to fix things.
- Checking up on Ben - to see if he's had any activity in fb or whatsapp. but I know that if i do that, long term, it'll just make me more upset. So going to starve myself off this.
- Eating sweets and carbs. I know it'll satisfy my cravings in the short term, but I know that I will reap the effects of it tomorrow - the PMS becomes worse. Whereas if I were to starve it now, and feed myself the right foods - beef, nuts, etc; tomorrow I will definitely feel much better.
- Not holding back my emotions and lashing out at others. Already I have been irate/annoyed at a few people today and I know that I have also "let go" some steam through my short curt tones. I pretend I do not know what they are talking about, making them look silly, feel silly. I felt glee when doing it, and then guilt when I realise I am doing it. And once I stop and pull the reins in, I feel that internal "energy" trying to escape and break out through my skin. My head starts pounding.
But I REFUSE to give in.
Resisting giving in to my cravings, which I shall call them my flesh, is having such a physical effect on me now. Or perhaps I never used to notice it. The "hairs" on my skin seems to "stand". I can feel some kind of underlying current. As if something from inside of me wants to break out of my skin and escape.
sigh... Regardless, I will fight it. I will persevere. I know that God has given me sufficient grace to deal with it. God does not allow me to experience more than what I can. So if He is allowing me to experience this and even though I feel unbearable, i know that I have the grace to handle it and I CAN handle it.
I refuse to give in and satisfy my flesh. I am a new creation. My old ways are dead and crucified with Christ. I AM righteous in Christ Jesus. I can do what God wants me to do. I CAN do the right things even though it feels like shit!
I CAN!
Amen!
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
8 Jun 2011 - Struggle
Yesterday was a great day. Until the night fell.
Seeing Vonny and the conversation I had with Ben both kinda crashed it all. I felt drained in just a matter of 30mins.
And this morn I wake up feeling depressed. I have been fighting it all morning.
Yesterday it was easy whenever a negative emotion came over me. I just declared God's love and grace over myself and thank God for His work that He is doing even though I cant see it. Today it's much more difficult. I keep feeling like crying.
I wonder when this would end. I have no idea what is causing me to feel this way and I refuse to submit to it. What right does it have to control me? It is but an emotion. And I choose my emotions and I refuse to choose to be sad!
As I blog, I feel like an idiot for sending the email I sent to Ben. As if he would have been interested to know how I was feeling. As if he were interested to know what I was thinking. What a fool I have been. If he was interested in me in any way, that would have passed as soon as I started getting paranoid.
And though I keep encouraging myself that if it was for God to bring us together, He would. But I cant help but find myself going down the path of negativity with this one - that it is a closed door. That he is not the one. i sure am fighting something, but I dont know what.
I was good not messaging him at all the whole day. And I had that radical thought and thought it was great if he and his family could come to Hillsong conference. It was for them. Not for me. I dont care if I didnt get to see him. I just thought it would be a different experience. It was nice that he texted back and we got to chat a little. But once again everything fell apart when I thought that I was doing him a favour by encouraging him from the scripture and he perceived it as me giving him advice. That just totally blew it.
Once again I seem to have trashed things. Although in all honesty I didnt do anything at all. And now obviously I feel silly for even falling for him. It was easy. I dated him before. How could I not fall for him. I didnt initiate the breakup. He walked away before, as he is now. What a liar. I hate him. I dont want anything to do with him. I so want to delete him on facebook. But it is a public declaration so I cant do what I FEEL like doing.
I want to "die to self" but I dont know how to. Help! :(
Lord, I know You are my Healer and whatever I am feeling, You are Lord over it all. I know that I will no longer feel the pain one day. Though I cant see You at work, I know You are working and I thank You for working in me and changing me. I thank You Jesus for praying on my behalf. And I thank You Holy Spirit for leading me and aligning me to God's will and plan for me.
I know that you know that I have a desire to be a wife and a mother and I know You have promised me that I will be one. And I hold on to that promise. Regardless how long it might seem. Regardless how desolate it might look. I know that You have plans for me and Your timing is the best. You know what is best for me and when I should have it. And I surrender to Your will. Let Your will be done. And give me the strength to persevere.
Thank You for loving me Daddy.
amen!
Seeing Vonny and the conversation I had with Ben both kinda crashed it all. I felt drained in just a matter of 30mins.
And this morn I wake up feeling depressed. I have been fighting it all morning.
Yesterday it was easy whenever a negative emotion came over me. I just declared God's love and grace over myself and thank God for His work that He is doing even though I cant see it. Today it's much more difficult. I keep feeling like crying.
I wonder when this would end. I have no idea what is causing me to feel this way and I refuse to submit to it. What right does it have to control me? It is but an emotion. And I choose my emotions and I refuse to choose to be sad!
As I blog, I feel like an idiot for sending the email I sent to Ben. As if he would have been interested to know how I was feeling. As if he were interested to know what I was thinking. What a fool I have been. If he was interested in me in any way, that would have passed as soon as I started getting paranoid.
And though I keep encouraging myself that if it was for God to bring us together, He would. But I cant help but find myself going down the path of negativity with this one - that it is a closed door. That he is not the one. i sure am fighting something, but I dont know what.
I was good not messaging him at all the whole day. And I had that radical thought and thought it was great if he and his family could come to Hillsong conference. It was for them. Not for me. I dont care if I didnt get to see him. I just thought it would be a different experience. It was nice that he texted back and we got to chat a little. But once again everything fell apart when I thought that I was doing him a favour by encouraging him from the scripture and he perceived it as me giving him advice. That just totally blew it.
Once again I seem to have trashed things. Although in all honesty I didnt do anything at all. And now obviously I feel silly for even falling for him. It was easy. I dated him before. How could I not fall for him. I didnt initiate the breakup. He walked away before, as he is now. What a liar. I hate him. I dont want anything to do with him. I so want to delete him on facebook. But it is a public declaration so I cant do what I FEEL like doing.
I want to "die to self" but I dont know how to. Help! :(
Lord, I know You are my Healer and whatever I am feeling, You are Lord over it all. I know that I will no longer feel the pain one day. Though I cant see You at work, I know You are working and I thank You for working in me and changing me. I thank You Jesus for praying on my behalf. And I thank You Holy Spirit for leading me and aligning me to God's will and plan for me.
I know that you know that I have a desire to be a wife and a mother and I know You have promised me that I will be one. And I hold on to that promise. Regardless how long it might seem. Regardless how desolate it might look. I know that You have plans for me and Your timing is the best. You know what is best for me and when I should have it. And I surrender to Your will. Let Your will be done. And give me the strength to persevere.
Thank You for loving me Daddy.
amen!
Monday, June 6, 2011
6 Jun 2011 - Love
Love the person before you even have designs on the person.
This is a lesson I learnt (am still learning) whilst I pursue God's heart and His will for me, and as I wait patiently for God to bring the man of my dreams into my life.
My desire is to be with someone who is a man after God's heart, who fears God and loves God.
and I search to identify that person, I am reminded of a friendship that I have, whom I have not "judge" or categorised into whether He was a man after God's heart or not. Reason being firstly cos He was not a christian and secondly being that I was not attracted to him in any manner. And all I am to him is a friend. A good friend who would not abandon him in his times of need. Loves him the way he is, hoping and praying that one day, he will come to know God.
This has just reminded me to keep my eyes focused on God and not judging and analysing every male that comes into my life, whether he is "husband" material or not. God knows better. What He wants is for me to love people the way they are, regardless of whether they are husband material or not.
If i already have "intentions" about the person, then my view of the person will be biased. I cannot love the person for who they are. I cannot know the person for who they are too. I will constantly be insecure and upset when they do not respond in a way that I would like them to.
I am thankful that God has shown me this. Now is the more difficult but not impossible part - to NOT have expectations on Ben. To see him as a friend and not be disappointed at his lack of interest.
I did and have caused some awkwardness due to my reactions. And I wont say I am glad to suffer the consequences, but I will bear it. God will give me the grace to bear with it and I will have the favour that God will give me with the right people.
If Ben is not the one, I will not have favour and that's cool. (I hope)
Ultimately, I want to walk away and have known him better than I did 13 years ago.
I dont want him to be another hi-bye friend. I want to know what he likes and dislikes, what his dreams are and to be able to encourage him the way I encourage Ed.
I thank God for Ed. He has given me a great example to sow and grow my friendships with the opposite sex. Ed has been an awesome friend. I am really thankful!
This is a lesson I learnt (am still learning) whilst I pursue God's heart and His will for me, and as I wait patiently for God to bring the man of my dreams into my life.
My desire is to be with someone who is a man after God's heart, who fears God and loves God.
and I search to identify that person, I am reminded of a friendship that I have, whom I have not "judge" or categorised into whether He was a man after God's heart or not. Reason being firstly cos He was not a christian and secondly being that I was not attracted to him in any manner. And all I am to him is a friend. A good friend who would not abandon him in his times of need. Loves him the way he is, hoping and praying that one day, he will come to know God.
This has just reminded me to keep my eyes focused on God and not judging and analysing every male that comes into my life, whether he is "husband" material or not. God knows better. What He wants is for me to love people the way they are, regardless of whether they are husband material or not.
If i already have "intentions" about the person, then my view of the person will be biased. I cannot love the person for who they are. I cannot know the person for who they are too. I will constantly be insecure and upset when they do not respond in a way that I would like them to.
I am thankful that God has shown me this. Now is the more difficult but not impossible part - to NOT have expectations on Ben. To see him as a friend and not be disappointed at his lack of interest.
I did and have caused some awkwardness due to my reactions. And I wont say I am glad to suffer the consequences, but I will bear it. God will give me the grace to bear with it and I will have the favour that God will give me with the right people.
If Ben is not the one, I will not have favour and that's cool. (I hope)
Ultimately, I want to walk away and have known him better than I did 13 years ago.
I dont want him to be another hi-bye friend. I want to know what he likes and dislikes, what his dreams are and to be able to encourage him the way I encourage Ed.
I thank God for Ed. He has given me a great example to sow and grow my friendships with the opposite sex. Ed has been an awesome friend. I am really thankful!
Friday, June 3, 2011
3 Jun 2011 - Desires
Daddy,
My heart aches.
I cant stop the aching. Its not pain. Its not a hurt. Just a deep longing.
You know, Daddy, that I have been longing to have a family of my own for many years now. Seeing my friends settle down and find someone to share their lives with doesnt make it any easier.
Why do I feel this way?
And why did my relationships all not work?
I do not mind not having a family of my own. Just take the desire away from me then.
Perhaps I lie when I say I do not mind.
Regardless, if its not Your will for me, take it away Daddy. I know You have given others the gift of celibacy and if that is the case for me, give me that gift too, so I can concentrate on serving rather than trying to fill that deep longing.
Its been one too many relationships that I have had.
I wish I could be confident when I declare that You do have someone for me. But I am not sure.
Help me to NOT look at my circumstances Lord. If You have called me to be like Deborah and lead Your people in a time like this, then help me God, help me to have faith in You and not look at my circumstances.
Lift me up, above my circumstances and fill me with Your faith Daddy. You are the faithful one. Help me to lean on You Lord. Help me to understand how great Your love is for me! Help me to KNOW that You work all things for good and all You want for me is the best.
You are the Alpha and the Omega. You would know EVERYTHING that is happening to this world. So You would know what's best for me. Help me to see that Lord. Help me to have a revelation of that Lord. Change my heart, change my perspective. Help me BE STILL Daddy. Help me to grasp the Shalom Peace that Jesus left for me. Let not the devil steal it from me.
Fill my empty heart with Your love Daddy. Fill it so full that I will not have that longing or feel the emptiness again Lord. Fill it so it is overflowing and others can experience Your glory. Lift me up as an example Lord, that people may see You in me. Use me Daddy. Fill my life with Your purpose Lord. Help me surrender Lord. I want. I desire, but I cant. You can Daddy. So help me.
My heart aches.
I cant stop the aching. Its not pain. Its not a hurt. Just a deep longing.
You know, Daddy, that I have been longing to have a family of my own for many years now. Seeing my friends settle down and find someone to share their lives with doesnt make it any easier.
Why do I feel this way?
And why did my relationships all not work?
I do not mind not having a family of my own. Just take the desire away from me then.
Perhaps I lie when I say I do not mind.
Regardless, if its not Your will for me, take it away Daddy. I know You have given others the gift of celibacy and if that is the case for me, give me that gift too, so I can concentrate on serving rather than trying to fill that deep longing.
Its been one too many relationships that I have had.
I wish I could be confident when I declare that You do have someone for me. But I am not sure.
Help me to NOT look at my circumstances Lord. If You have called me to be like Deborah and lead Your people in a time like this, then help me God, help me to have faith in You and not look at my circumstances.
Lift me up, above my circumstances and fill me with Your faith Daddy. You are the faithful one. Help me to lean on You Lord. Help me to understand how great Your love is for me! Help me to KNOW that You work all things for good and all You want for me is the best.
You are the Alpha and the Omega. You would know EVERYTHING that is happening to this world. So You would know what's best for me. Help me to see that Lord. Help me to have a revelation of that Lord. Change my heart, change my perspective. Help me BE STILL Daddy. Help me to grasp the Shalom Peace that Jesus left for me. Let not the devil steal it from me.
Fill my empty heart with Your love Daddy. Fill it so full that I will not have that longing or feel the emptiness again Lord. Fill it so it is overflowing and others can experience Your glory. Lift me up as an example Lord, that people may see You in me. Use me Daddy. Fill my life with Your purpose Lord. Help me surrender Lord. I want. I desire, but I cant. You can Daddy. So help me.
3 Jun 2011 - Faith
I know I need to keep my eyes on Christ. I need to trust that God is sovereign and knows what He is doing.
I "understand" all of that, yet I am sure I dont. Cos if I did, i would not be so troubled by the issues of life. I am troubled because I do not trust that God is sovereign and that He is in control.
Alternatively, it could be that I do not believe that God loves me!
So even if He is sovereign and in control and knows what He is doing, whatever He is doing does not include me in His plans and His good plans might not include me.
What a LIAR the devil can be.
Jer 29:11 says - For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (NIV)
God KNOWS His plans for me. And His plans are not to harm me. His plans are to prosper me, and give me a hope and a future!
How can i listen to the lies of the devil?!
And in Eph 2:20 says that I am God's own handiwork, His workmanship; recreated in Christ Jesus.
Eph 1:4 says that I have been chosen, picked out before the foundation of the world.
So that I may do those the good works which God predestined (planned beforehand) for me.
God planned those work for me before I was even born. Before the foundation of this earth!
I have been chosen to be IN CHRIST and holy, set apart for Him, blameless in His sight, and in love; taking paths which He prepared ahead of time, so that I will walk in them, living the good life which He prearranged and made ready for me to live.
It is a good life that He has PRE-ARRANGED!! God has pre-arranged it!
I dont think i doubt that God can do all of that. I think my doubt and lack of trust is that whether He will do all of that FOR ME!
But that's an unnecessary question. If God did not love me, He would not have sent Jesus to suffer for me and then die for me. Yes Jesus died for the "world". But I AM part of that world. And I have been chosen to know Christ. Otherwise I wont be a Christian. So why would I not trust that God loves me?!
He HAS done alot for me. How much more do I need Him to prove that He loves me?!
Where did this lack of trust come from? This lack of trust is seeping into all other areas in my life.
Lord, please uncover this and remove this lack of trust from my life. I want to trust You and You alone. Not me or anyone else. Help me to trust You Lord. Give me the revelation of Your love for me. Let not the words that I speak of You be empty words but words filled with Your Spirit and Your life!
In Jesus name, AMEN!
I "understand" all of that, yet I am sure I dont. Cos if I did, i would not be so troubled by the issues of life. I am troubled because I do not trust that God is sovereign and that He is in control.
Alternatively, it could be that I do not believe that God loves me!
So even if He is sovereign and in control and knows what He is doing, whatever He is doing does not include me in His plans and His good plans might not include me.
What a LIAR the devil can be.
Jer 29:11 says - For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (NIV)
God KNOWS His plans for me. And His plans are not to harm me. His plans are to prosper me, and give me a hope and a future!
How can i listen to the lies of the devil?!
And in Eph 2:20 says that I am God's own handiwork, His workmanship; recreated in Christ Jesus.
Eph 1:4 says that I have been chosen, picked out before the foundation of the world.
So that I may do those the good works which God predestined (planned beforehand) for me.
God planned those work for me before I was even born. Before the foundation of this earth!
I have been chosen to be IN CHRIST and holy, set apart for Him, blameless in His sight, and in love; taking paths which He prepared ahead of time, so that I will walk in them, living the good life which He prearranged and made ready for me to live.
It is a good life that He has PRE-ARRANGED!! God has pre-arranged it!
I dont think i doubt that God can do all of that. I think my doubt and lack of trust is that whether He will do all of that FOR ME!
But that's an unnecessary question. If God did not love me, He would not have sent Jesus to suffer for me and then die for me. Yes Jesus died for the "world". But I AM part of that world. And I have been chosen to know Christ. Otherwise I wont be a Christian. So why would I not trust that God loves me?!
He HAS done alot for me. How much more do I need Him to prove that He loves me?!
Where did this lack of trust come from? This lack of trust is seeping into all other areas in my life.
Lord, please uncover this and remove this lack of trust from my life. I want to trust You and You alone. Not me or anyone else. Help me to trust You Lord. Give me the revelation of Your love for me. Let not the words that I speak of You be empty words but words filled with Your Spirit and Your life!
In Jesus name, AMEN!
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
31 May 2011 - Failing
Try as I might I keep failing the tests. The things I Wana do I dont do. The things I Wana say I don't say. What's wrong with me? Why can't I put what God has shown me into practice?
I want so much to speak with Ben. Wana clear things up and tell him that I like him and would like to see how we can work things out.
But once again unable to keep my mouth shut, I push him away.
He has said he is busy yet I get so sensitive with everything he says. How CAN we be friends?
He is really better off without me.
At this point in time I cannot take him as a friend. Don't tink I ever can.
Once again God has to clean up my mess. Don't know what kind of "shit" I have dumped on Ben this time.
How in the world is God going to b able to use me? I try hard to be obedient yet I can't.
Wana cry.
Praise God that despite all the mistakes I make He still loves me. Despite pushing all the people I love away I can't push Him away.
Praise God that He still places angels around me to love me and protect me.
I really want a family. I want to have someone who loves me an enjoys my company. I want to be able to love the person and enjoy his company too.
I feel like I'm so far from it.
Lord give me strength. I can't do this on my own. Feel like I can't ever do it. But I can't give up. Not after I've come such a long way! I can't give up. Yet it feels so difficult.
I wish Ben never contacted me. it has but made things harder. Now I wish he were here or I back in SG. Yet that is not possible. And I duno if it could ever work out between us; especially after all my outbursts.
Why do I do things like that? This is ridiculous. Yet I do it so often!
Lord help me!! I do not know what else I can do. :(
I want so much to speak with Ben. Wana clear things up and tell him that I like him and would like to see how we can work things out.
But once again unable to keep my mouth shut, I push him away.
He has said he is busy yet I get so sensitive with everything he says. How CAN we be friends?
He is really better off without me.
At this point in time I cannot take him as a friend. Don't tink I ever can.
Once again God has to clean up my mess. Don't know what kind of "shit" I have dumped on Ben this time.
How in the world is God going to b able to use me? I try hard to be obedient yet I can't.
Wana cry.
Praise God that despite all the mistakes I make He still loves me. Despite pushing all the people I love away I can't push Him away.
Praise God that He still places angels around me to love me and protect me.
I really want a family. I want to have someone who loves me an enjoys my company. I want to be able to love the person and enjoy his company too.
I feel like I'm so far from it.
Lord give me strength. I can't do this on my own. Feel like I can't ever do it. But I can't give up. Not after I've come such a long way! I can't give up. Yet it feels so difficult.
I wish Ben never contacted me. it has but made things harder. Now I wish he were here or I back in SG. Yet that is not possible. And I duno if it could ever work out between us; especially after all my outbursts.
Why do I do things like that? This is ridiculous. Yet I do it so often!
Lord help me!! I do not know what else I can do. :(
Monday, May 30, 2011
30 May 2011 - The Muscle
Starting a new life is easy to declare. But the practical side of it does not come that easy nor that quick.
I did and do wish that the changes can come faster. I guess in this day and age, everything is fast and I want the same for the the changes too!
I have identified what I dont like about myself and dont want. I know God is dealing with me and will make the changes so I can be more and more like Him. But the effort I need to put to get it going too is not fun. :(
Wish it can just disappear and go away! :(
But I guess since I built it up over so many years, its going to take some time to tear it down. Just like a physical healing wound. The operation is done. There is a scar there, the stitches have been removed, but the scar can still be sore when touched. But over time, the scar tissue heals and goes away. :D
I must get stronger. and I will get stronger. Especially if I have been called to be a leader (as I believe I have). Emotional yo yo is not an option anymore. Not that others cant be that way, but if I were going to continue giving in to my flesh and emotions, then the devil can easily control me! I am not clothing myself with the armour of God! Then what is the point? How can God use me? Not that I have to be perfect for Him to use me. He uses all kinds of people. But I dont want to lead my life controlled by the devil or my thoughts and emotions anymore. Enough is enough!
I want a family. I want children. I want them to have a life filled with God's love so they too can move on to do great things. I do believe that God has called my family to do great things for him. Not just me. It is a legacy that I will be leaving. Not just my namesake. Things will change. The world will change. Just as God promised.
I know God is training me to be stronger and to cast my eyes on Him. How I wish it was as easy as declaring it. I wish my thoughts and emotions will not be as wilful as they are. Life certainly would be easier.
But regardless, I know that I will get through it. With God by my side, nothing is impossible!
My Muscles WILL grow stronger. :D
I will persevere!
And I will CONQUER!
I did and do wish that the changes can come faster. I guess in this day and age, everything is fast and I want the same for the the changes too!
I have identified what I dont like about myself and dont want. I know God is dealing with me and will make the changes so I can be more and more like Him. But the effort I need to put to get it going too is not fun. :(
Wish it can just disappear and go away! :(
But I guess since I built it up over so many years, its going to take some time to tear it down. Just like a physical healing wound. The operation is done. There is a scar there, the stitches have been removed, but the scar can still be sore when touched. But over time, the scar tissue heals and goes away. :D
I must get stronger. and I will get stronger. Especially if I have been called to be a leader (as I believe I have). Emotional yo yo is not an option anymore. Not that others cant be that way, but if I were going to continue giving in to my flesh and emotions, then the devil can easily control me! I am not clothing myself with the armour of God! Then what is the point? How can God use me? Not that I have to be perfect for Him to use me. He uses all kinds of people. But I dont want to lead my life controlled by the devil or my thoughts and emotions anymore. Enough is enough!
I want a family. I want children. I want them to have a life filled with God's love so they too can move on to do great things. I do believe that God has called my family to do great things for him. Not just me. It is a legacy that I will be leaving. Not just my namesake. Things will change. The world will change. Just as God promised.
I know God is training me to be stronger and to cast my eyes on Him. How I wish it was as easy as declaring it. I wish my thoughts and emotions will not be as wilful as they are. Life certainly would be easier.
But regardless, I know that I will get through it. With God by my side, nothing is impossible!
My Muscles WILL grow stronger. :D
I will persevere!
And I will CONQUER!
Saturday, May 28, 2011
28 May 2011 - Interesting
It's been for almost a year since God spoke to me that He is taking me up a higher level. I do not know what it meant but I believed it was gona be like Joyce Meyer or Christine Caine. But I am not sure. What did I have that God could use? I was not abused nor did I suffer from huge issues that needed salvation. I was just another ordinary gal.
But there was this "knowing" internally that God had something big for me.
Today Natania pulled me aside and said that God spoke to her about me. I don't know her very well. She has not heard me speak nor does she know what I am like nor what I struggle with.
And this is what she said:-
God told me to tell you that you will be a great leader like Deborah. You will lead His people. Do not be afraid. He will...
I couldn't catch the last part. She repeated it twice but I still could not catch it. I didn't want her to think that I was trying to hear it many times and feel good bout it.
I know that God will confirm thru others and He will bring it to pass. So doesn't matter if I didnt hear the last part. My life is in God's hands. He will do what is needed.
And I praise Him for all things!!
But there was this "knowing" internally that God had something big for me.
Today Natania pulled me aside and said that God spoke to her about me. I don't know her very well. She has not heard me speak nor does she know what I am like nor what I struggle with.
And this is what she said:-
God told me to tell you that you will be a great leader like Deborah. You will lead His people. Do not be afraid. He will...
I couldn't catch the last part. She repeated it twice but I still could not catch it. I didn't want her to think that I was trying to hear it many times and feel good bout it.
I know that God will confirm thru others and He will bring it to pass. So doesn't matter if I didnt hear the last part. My life is in God's hands. He will do what is needed.
And I praise Him for all things!!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
24 May 2011 - Difficult but will see things through
My struggles with trust issue has to and WILL end soon.
I did not realise that I am so affected until a good friend pointed it out to me.
Although I have "let it go" but I still doubt every single response from him. Questioning and second guessing his intentions and if he had any hidden meaning to what he said.
She said to Trust them... but not trust them. I kinda get what she means, cos the only faithful one is God, so the only one I can Trust is really God. At the same time I have to trust people. Especially those whom I call my friends.
I really have to take a step back and view him as a friend, just as I see Ed. I dont second guess how Ed is feeling. There is open communication. He is not second guessing what I am saying nor me getting upset and emotional about what he has said. There are no hidden agendas. I can feel comfortable in his presence and know that when we hang out, he is sincere. His friendship is real. He genuinely cares about me.
I want to care about Ben the same way too. But it is proving rather difficult and I need to take much responsibility for it. I kept him on my mind so much so that I got emotionally attached. This is by no means any fault of his but only mine. Yet he is being punished/penalised for it. And I am really upset with my own behaviour. I want to be proper friends with him and not see him as anything else, just like Andrew and Ed. Yet I am not doing so well in this area.
I know God has given me the grace to see me through this season and this is a learning curve. And I will persevere so that I come out stronger. This is just a test, in preparation for the next level that God wants to take me to. God is waiting for me!
How funny for me to think that I am waiting for God to work His miracles. Hahaha..
All this while, He is just waiting for me to be ready so He can take me to the next level.
I WILL pass this test.
My hopes and faith is in God and not human.
My God is Faithful. He will see me through. He will guide me through and He will help me pass. It is His responsibility to help me pass and He WANTS me to pass. Cos He has great plans for me, so I have no choice but to pass!
AMEN!!
I did not realise that I am so affected until a good friend pointed it out to me.
Although I have "let it go" but I still doubt every single response from him. Questioning and second guessing his intentions and if he had any hidden meaning to what he said.
She said to Trust them... but not trust them. I kinda get what she means, cos the only faithful one is God, so the only one I can Trust is really God. At the same time I have to trust people. Especially those whom I call my friends.
I really have to take a step back and view him as a friend, just as I see Ed. I dont second guess how Ed is feeling. There is open communication. He is not second guessing what I am saying nor me getting upset and emotional about what he has said. There are no hidden agendas. I can feel comfortable in his presence and know that when we hang out, he is sincere. His friendship is real. He genuinely cares about me.
I want to care about Ben the same way too. But it is proving rather difficult and I need to take much responsibility for it. I kept him on my mind so much so that I got emotionally attached. This is by no means any fault of his but only mine. Yet he is being punished/penalised for it. And I am really upset with my own behaviour. I want to be proper friends with him and not see him as anything else, just like Andrew and Ed. Yet I am not doing so well in this area.
I know God has given me the grace to see me through this season and this is a learning curve. And I will persevere so that I come out stronger. This is just a test, in preparation for the next level that God wants to take me to. God is waiting for me!
How funny for me to think that I am waiting for God to work His miracles. Hahaha..
All this while, He is just waiting for me to be ready so He can take me to the next level.
I WILL pass this test.
My hopes and faith is in God and not human.
My God is Faithful. He will see me through. He will guide me through and He will help me pass. It is His responsibility to help me pass and He WANTS me to pass. Cos He has great plans for me, so I have no choice but to pass!
AMEN!!
Monday, May 23, 2011
23 May 2011 - Leaving it to God
I really like him. But he has not responded.
There are a whole lot of reasons. Some could be cos of what I have said - e.g. i am at a shoot. and he might have thought that i would take a long time.
nonetheless, I have not been inspired to speak with him. And if he doesnt make the first move, then I guess this man is not from God. And I want what God wants. No more what Carol wants. God knows better than Carol. So i'll leave it in God's hands. If he is from God, even if i try to run from him, God will hunt me down and bring me into his life. If not, I can try as hard as I can and nothing will happen.
Right now, I refuse to think about this matter. I have laid it down at God's feet. I have left the matter in God's hands. If God doesnt do anything about it, I can forget about trying.
Really hope that he can come in July. Miss him. And look forward to having him at my church during Christmas.
but these are all left in God's hands. I can only wait expectantly.
no more sleepless nights. No more dreams and restlessness.
I will sleep well and I will live well.
Stay healthy, exercise and be healthy.
I believe God is opening up opportunities for me in acting too. Its something I enjoy. And I know that He is only waiting for me.
I am learning alot.
No gossip
No foul language
No negative talk
No negative thoughts
Always bring joy to those around, even at my own expense
always believe God's words over lies of the devil.
There are a whole lot of reasons. Some could be cos of what I have said - e.g. i am at a shoot. and he might have thought that i would take a long time.
nonetheless, I have not been inspired to speak with him. And if he doesnt make the first move, then I guess this man is not from God. And I want what God wants. No more what Carol wants. God knows better than Carol. So i'll leave it in God's hands. If he is from God, even if i try to run from him, God will hunt me down and bring me into his life. If not, I can try as hard as I can and nothing will happen.
Right now, I refuse to think about this matter. I have laid it down at God's feet. I have left the matter in God's hands. If God doesnt do anything about it, I can forget about trying.
Really hope that he can come in July. Miss him. And look forward to having him at my church during Christmas.
but these are all left in God's hands. I can only wait expectantly.
no more sleepless nights. No more dreams and restlessness.
I will sleep well and I will live well.
Stay healthy, exercise and be healthy.
I believe God is opening up opportunities for me in acting too. Its something I enjoy. And I know that He is only waiting for me.
I am learning alot.
No gossip
No foul language
No negative talk
No negative thoughts
Always bring joy to those around, even at my own expense
always believe God's words over lies of the devil.
23 May 2011 - Laughter the Best medicine
A new resolution, a new season!
I have been in "depression" for far too long. Seeing myself through the eyes of self-pity and constantly throwing a pity party for myself. woohoo! what fun... not!
As God gently corrects me and guides me back to His Truth, I start to see hope at the end of the tunnel.
I realised I had been overcome by the spirit of fear.
I also did not take responsibility for my reactions. It was always to do with what someone else did.
But now, things will be different.
I know that God loves me and I have been set free. He has given me a spirit of power and love. That spirit enables me to have a calm and well-balanced mind as well as self-control and discipline.
So, I should be able to control my reactions and behave the way that God wants me to. His laws have been written in my heart, so I know what is good for me.
The fears, spurned by the lack of control, will also have to be washed down the drain; cos God is sovereign. He is in control, even when I feel that I am not. So God knows when is best for me to receive something. God knows who is best to have in my life. And He knows when is the best to defend me and how to do it.
So I shall surrender everything to Him. I will not try to defend myself or my position but submit to authority and surrender to humility.
I will also bring joy and laughter everywhere I go. that's my name anyway - song of joy! so every time my name rests on the lips of people, a song of joy is to accompany it.
Even when i feel that the joke/laughter might have been made in my expense, I will do it. This is my new goal! I know it will take time, cos I have been a certain way for a long time, but with God, nothing is impossible and He has left His Holy Spirit in me to lead me and guide me to do all that He has for me.
I am God's workmanship. He has crafted me to bring joy to those around me and I will live out my purpose.
Praise God and His goodness and may all glory be given unto Him!
I have been in "depression" for far too long. Seeing myself through the eyes of self-pity and constantly throwing a pity party for myself. woohoo! what fun... not!
As God gently corrects me and guides me back to His Truth, I start to see hope at the end of the tunnel.
I realised I had been overcome by the spirit of fear.
I also did not take responsibility for my reactions. It was always to do with what someone else did.
But now, things will be different.
I know that God loves me and I have been set free. He has given me a spirit of power and love. That spirit enables me to have a calm and well-balanced mind as well as self-control and discipline.
So, I should be able to control my reactions and behave the way that God wants me to. His laws have been written in my heart, so I know what is good for me.
The fears, spurned by the lack of control, will also have to be washed down the drain; cos God is sovereign. He is in control, even when I feel that I am not. So God knows when is best for me to receive something. God knows who is best to have in my life. And He knows when is the best to defend me and how to do it.
So I shall surrender everything to Him. I will not try to defend myself or my position but submit to authority and surrender to humility.
I will also bring joy and laughter everywhere I go. that's my name anyway - song of joy! so every time my name rests on the lips of people, a song of joy is to accompany it.
Even when i feel that the joke/laughter might have been made in my expense, I will do it. This is my new goal! I know it will take time, cos I have been a certain way for a long time, but with God, nothing is impossible and He has left His Holy Spirit in me to lead me and guide me to do all that He has for me.
I am God's workmanship. He has crafted me to bring joy to those around me and I will live out my purpose.
Praise God and His goodness and may all glory be given unto Him!
Friday, May 20, 2011
20 May 2011 - A New Life!
Given this new season, new life, I make the decision daily to only praise God.
Everything that I find in my life that is negative, I will turn it over to God and praise Him.
Learning about how I have been controlled by the spirit of fear for the years of my life, I choose NOT to render any more authority to it.
God loves me and His love will overcome everything! Especially fear.
I will leave my trust in Him to provide for me financially, health-wise and emotionally.
He will heal me of all my hurts and pains. Jesus has already taken all my hurts on His body when He was whipped. And although I am still feeling the pain, I know that I am on the road to wholeness and being complete. Healing is a process! And I will healed!
I will put into practice spending time with God in the mornings for thanksgiving, making new decisions daily and re-dedicating my life to Him daily. I know that His mercies and grace are fresh everyday.
I will also pray in tongues every night before I sleep, after I review my day and repent of the sins I committed and ask for forgiveness.
I know God will help me through the Holy Spirit with all my "I wills" cos He loves me and I know that this is what He wants for me.
Yay!
Praise God!
Everything that I find in my life that is negative, I will turn it over to God and praise Him.
Learning about how I have been controlled by the spirit of fear for the years of my life, I choose NOT to render any more authority to it.
God loves me and His love will overcome everything! Especially fear.
I will leave my trust in Him to provide for me financially, health-wise and emotionally.
He will heal me of all my hurts and pains. Jesus has already taken all my hurts on His body when He was whipped. And although I am still feeling the pain, I know that I am on the road to wholeness and being complete. Healing is a process! And I will healed!
I will put into practice spending time with God in the mornings for thanksgiving, making new decisions daily and re-dedicating my life to Him daily. I know that His mercies and grace are fresh everyday.
I will also pray in tongues every night before I sleep, after I review my day and repent of the sins I committed and ask for forgiveness.
I know God will help me through the Holy Spirit with all my "I wills" cos He loves me and I know that this is what He wants for me.
Yay!
Praise God!
19 May 2011- Sonia session 3
This is my new life. A new season!
The session that I have been having with Sonia has been awesome. I starting to see that I can be free of my past!!
The issues are being identified. And there are things that can be done to correct that which has been wrong. There is Hope!
And Joyce's teaching seems as if it was made just for me. It adds to the tools that would help build me up and free me from the bondages of my past and the devil's lies.
What I learnt:-
1. I have a control issue- I get upset when I am out of control
Or when people try to manipulate n control me
2. I don't know how to love myself. Have not been shown how to but that can be corrected! YAY!
3. I have issues receiving but no problems giving. However I cannot give if I am not receiving, cos I will be giving on an empty tank, which drives me down the road of depression.
e.g. I belief I impose on people even when they have said that I don't. I need to rewire my brain that accepting a favour from a friend does NOT mean that I owe them anything!
4. I need to increase the ways I stay present so I am not dragged away to worry about the future or feeling guilty and condemned bout my past.
5. I need to acknowledge the strengths I have - eg being able to be honest about where I am and the issues I face.
Cos acknowledging my weaknesses is the first step to dealing with issues.
6. I have learnt to keep myself very safe. By pushing people away. Yet my desire is to have people come closer to me yet I do the opposite. This has to change. And it will and shall change. With Sonia's help by providing me with the tools to do that, and God's word and Faith to strengthen me.
7. I must not let my emotions overtake my frontal lobe and render me paralyzed. When I am triggered my frontal lobe gets flooded and the logical part of the brain cannot function properly and I can no longer reason.
8. I can't control what others think, do, say, or believe of me.
But I can control what I think, say, believe of myself and how I want to respond.
I cant wait to be FREE from the claws of fear. I believe fear has been driving my life and my actions, just as it did my mom. And Jesus has broken the generational curse and I am no longer subject to that! I am a FREE woman! I will overcome and conquer!
Praise God!
The session that I have been having with Sonia has been awesome. I starting to see that I can be free of my past!!
The issues are being identified. And there are things that can be done to correct that which has been wrong. There is Hope!
And Joyce's teaching seems as if it was made just for me. It adds to the tools that would help build me up and free me from the bondages of my past and the devil's lies.
What I learnt:-
1. I have a control issue- I get upset when I am out of control
Or when people try to manipulate n control me
2. I don't know how to love myself. Have not been shown how to but that can be corrected! YAY!
3. I have issues receiving but no problems giving. However I cannot give if I am not receiving, cos I will be giving on an empty tank, which drives me down the road of depression.
e.g. I belief I impose on people even when they have said that I don't. I need to rewire my brain that accepting a favour from a friend does NOT mean that I owe them anything!
4. I need to increase the ways I stay present so I am not dragged away to worry about the future or feeling guilty and condemned bout my past.
5. I need to acknowledge the strengths I have - eg being able to be honest about where I am and the issues I face.
Cos acknowledging my weaknesses is the first step to dealing with issues.
6. I have learnt to keep myself very safe. By pushing people away. Yet my desire is to have people come closer to me yet I do the opposite. This has to change. And it will and shall change. With Sonia's help by providing me with the tools to do that, and God's word and Faith to strengthen me.
7. I must not let my emotions overtake my frontal lobe and render me paralyzed. When I am triggered my frontal lobe gets flooded and the logical part of the brain cannot function properly and I can no longer reason.
8. I can't control what others think, do, say, or believe of me.
But I can control what I think, say, believe of myself and how I want to respond.
I cant wait to be FREE from the claws of fear. I believe fear has been driving my life and my actions, just as it did my mom. And Jesus has broken the generational curse and I am no longer subject to that! I am a FREE woman! I will overcome and conquer!
Praise God!
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