God doesn't hold it against me

2 Kings 6:6 - God doesn't hold anything against me. Even if it was a result of my foolishness. He is only interested in solving the problem. Psalm 23 - The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. Jesus is my provider. I do not have to worry about anything. Psalm 56:8 - He collects my sorrows and tears. God cares about every single detail in my life. He wants to restore everything that has been stolen from me. Acts 17:28 - In Him we live and move and have our being. Be still and know God. Not just know that He is God but to KNOW GOD. I know these verses have significance. But I do not know what they mean. Lord, empty me. I need to be emptied. I know that my head currently is still filled with all the grieve of not having someone and not having my feelings reciprocated. I need to let that go. Life is more than just having a relationship, though I really want to have one. Especially, the physical closeness I recently shared with both of them. It is just driving me nuts. And I just have to will it away. I know I have made mistakes. So 2 Kings 6:6 really helps lighten my burden, that God does not hold my silliness against me, but rather He is for me and will focus on solving the problem. Problem - I made a mistake and slept with someone whom I shouldnt have. Now that it has happened, my flesh is wanting more out of that friendship. I can feel the claws of that desperation/lust, clutching and grasping at emptiness in the air. Lord help me please. I need to walk away from both. Give me peace in all that I do and help me to be at peace with my singlehood right now. God's grace is bigger than the mistakes that I can ever make. God's love is more than all the rebellion that I can ever hold.

27 Dec 2012

Daddy, Need help. Cant stop thinking about what happened and wanting more. Everyone's words are just getting into my head. I cant hear what You have to say. Disappointment, fear, desire, lust.... they are what's filling my head and I cant hear from you. :( I am so desperately trying to fill my time and an emptiness/unfulfilled purpose. I need direction. Need to know my purpose here on this earth. Daddy, all I want is to be with someone. Is that too difficult? There is so much going on that I cannot think. I really dont want to work. I am struggling Daddy. Is it just cos of the festive season? Or too much that has been piled up that I cannot finished, but i'm expected to? I feel overwhelmed. Or is it cos nothing can start with both the guys I like? Till now, I am still harping on it. Help me let go already will ya? Daddy.... I want Your will for me. I want Your choice for me. You know best. Help me to surrender it all to You please. To surrender to Your timing, Your choice, Your protection. Help me to trust You and to be able to give You thanks. Help me to live the way that You want me to. I really want to forget about David Lord. Mainly cos I believe that he is not interested in a relationship with me. I wish I can ask you to help me forget him cos I believe that he is not right for me. But that's not the case. I'm so sorry. I wish I was more obedient, not so rebellious. But that's how I'm thinking/desiring. Help me Lord. Help me to listen to You and to do what You want me to do! And take me out of confusion Lord. My liking for him came about only after what Cecilia said - that he is willing to go out with me, and that she thinks he might be interested in me. And all the comments that people have when they see our interaction. I didnt think too much of it. Cos of everything that they've said, I am confused. Cos he says he is not interested. And he held his distance. And suddenly just before he leaves, he gets so familiar with me again. What was he thinking when he hugged me from the back?! Its ridiculous. That's so intimate. Gals do that to gals. Not guys to gals. Guys normally dont do that unless they are brothers and sisters or boyfriend and girlfriend or husband and wife! I dont know what to do Daddy. I'm here waiting for a message or something from him. Not knowing what he meant when he said he wanted to text me on facebook. Hoping it might be more than just texting me to check on the house, as I had suggested. Yet not really knowing what he meant. Am I passive-aggressive Daddy? Do I just lash out cos I have unresolved issues? Why do I think of them two? Why cant I be happy where I am at? Daddy You know that I am lonely. And it tears at my heart. And I really want someone. Are You really going to make me wait much longer? Daddy, can You show me please? Show me what it is that You want from me and what I am to do. Help me Lord. I have difficulty being honest even to myself. I dont know what is wrong. I cant even admit what I really want. I make up stuff. I am just so confused! Help me Lord.

24 July 2011 - Surrounded yet alone

I am surrounded by many whom I call my friends. Just had an awesome conversation with one whom I consider my closest. And celebrated the birthday of a friend and called 2 others my closest friends...

Yet I feel so lonely. Seems like no one can understand what I am feeling. Even I cant understand this emptiness that I am feeling. This hollowness, this pain.

John's always been the encourager. To be able to play a part to encourage him today, was awesome. Nonetheless, I didnt get the response that I hoped.

Perhaps I said too much as always. That only means he is not the one. Cos I know that Daddy would give the one the grace to deal with my weaknesses. So if I do say too much n end up nagging, the person would be able to bear with it and if it were a nuisance, God will lead me to change. Holy Spirit will guide me.

I wish he was not going to B's birthday. Cos now I would really be conscious.

I dont know why I am attracted to him. I know I am attracted to pretty things. I need to stop. This is not from God. God is not a God of confusion. It is most definitely my flesh trying to manipulate me to get its way. Sorrow is not from God. Pain is not from God. And I refuse to put up with it.

Anyways, its time to back off. John is a nice guy, but I think with what I most probably might do next, he is going to disappear and i'll lose the best teacher I ever had. I dont know which is worse. Knowing the truth which I am yearning to find out, or losing a great teacher. I supposed the latter.

I do not want to become like Ed, whinging and manipulative. Best I learn to back off and let go. So I will not take the next step and ask the ridiculous. I know it has not happened and I do not know what the answer might be, but I guess its like what Minah says... we gals have a sense - a 6th sense if you can call it that.

My job is done for the day. The rest is God's. I played the messenger. Now time to rest.

I pray that God continue giving me the strength to persevere in trusting in Him and leaning on Him to keep His promise to fulfil my heart's desire. I know that God's plans for me involves someone. Whom I dont know. And though it seems bleak, I know that God is at work and when God is at work, miracles happen. My trust is in the Lord and not what I see.

Thank you for the strength.

24 Dec 2012 - Your Promise

Daddy, Wasnt I supposed to meet my husband by the end of this year? Its just a few days more and I am still single. Still yearning for someone to take this life journey with me. And I stuffed up again. Why?! :( Am I that bad? Why is it so hard for me to find someone who would like to be with me? Or are you intervening to disallow that from happening? I know that You have my best interests at heart. What does that mean Daddy? What does that look like? I'm 37. I dont look a day older than 29. I dont feel a day past 30! I dont know how to be. And I want sex. I would sleep with him now if he were to pursue me. I would allow myself to be in vulnerable situations with him and sleep with him. I would allow it to happen again. I know I allowed myself to be in that situation. I was sane enough to make a decision to say no, I'm going home. He gave me the choice too. I wish he would organise movie night. well, day. I would go over. And get "stuck". Just to spend that time with him. And I would sleep with him. Just so I can get that intimacy again - being held in his arms, having his attention. Why Daddy? Why? I know he is bad for me, yet I still want it. I know all of what I've said I want is bad for me yet I still want it! :( I'm glad I deleted my fb account. That way I cannot check on him, I cannot check to see what he has been doing.

24 Dec 2012 - End of 2012

I used to take everything to Facebook, but I guess the time has come to just stop posting there. Its become a kind of addiction, an idol. Its been bit more than 1 year since i posted. And many things have happened. Obviously I no longer want to be back with Toulia. He means nothing to me now. Wow.. its taken 2 years for that to happen. Dont know if its good or not. Just know that where I am with him now is good. Wish I could say the same with some others. In just 1 year, too many things have happened. Its just not right. Its not good, yet it happened. I know that David is wrong for me. But cos of what happened, it makes it heaps difficult to just let it go. Trust in the Father. That's what is lacking. I WANT to know what my future is like. I can't bear NOT to know. That's what causing me grief. Its that need for control and I know that it is not good. I guess this is training time. I know that He has been training me in that area for providence just cos of how things have been happening with the Rhodes rental place. But relationships had always been a hard one to let go. And the last time I did, I stuffed it up with Toulia. Not keen to do it again. Yet I HAVE messed up again with someone else. Sigh... Mel asked what I want from them both - My first reaction is I dont know. But that's not it. I know what I want, but there are a few things in the way of me saying what I want. 1. I am afraid that it is not possible. 2. It shows my vulnerability. 3. It shows my stupidity. I want one of them to love me, to want me, to desire me, to want to be with me. And want all of that enough to take action!! I know that being a non-christian, he is a no-go. Yet I can see how I am being stubborn. I want intimacy Daddy.... yet I dont know what that is, what that means. I know it only from how I have seen it in the movies. I didnt even have parents who modeled intimacy for me. All I have known is sex and willingness to spend time with me, do things with and for me, sacrifice. Willingness to share - things and his life. That's intimacy the world taught me. But I'm pretty sure its way more than that! sigh... Daddy... what do I do? Help me! Worse thing is I KNOW what that night means for him - based on how he has responded and the things he has said so far. He is not a very direct person. And that's the worse thing I guess... I want more! And I feel so guilty. Perhaps cos I was liking someone else before this. And just cos I was angry, I've thrown everything away. I was reacting passive aggressive without even knowing it. Lord, I really need you to break this chain of bad habits, bad attitudes. I need to stop hurting people and more importantly, I need to stop hurting myself. I need to be more loving and forgiving toward myself. I cant forget the touch of his hands on my waist. And being in his arms sleeping, with his fingers inter-twined with mine. And how he would pull me closer whilst we were sleeping. Yet he said he cant remember anything that happened that night. That hurts. It really sucks. I dont know what to make of it. I wish I can process all these negative emotions better and respond better. ARGH!!

7 Nov 2011 - Time flies

Its more than 1 year since the breakup. Its just one more day and its mom's birthday already. Same time last year, I was back in Singapore celebrating mom's birthday. I cant shake that feeling I have... an ache, a pain in my heart. Miss my parents heaps. I wish I could have them here with me.

God knows my desire. He will bring it to past. I shall not try to do it on my own. Its is too tough, too difficult and most probably not the direction that God wants me to head.

There's a deep ache within me that doesnt seem to get filled. I cannot figure out what it is. Just wishing that it would go away. But it doesnt. Although the good that comes out of it is the opportunity to draw close to God. I guess I wouldnt say its an opportunity, cos the door to God is always open. He waits for us. He waits for me. I just have to choose.

I know I am feeling emotional. Cos suddenly, I am attracted to so many people and I just know that they are not the ones. Yoshi is too young. Peter, there's still something about him that doesnt sit right. It feels nice. Cos he has a flashy car and the money and he has started to come to church much more. But I dont know enough about him.

What I need is someone who shares my passion and my desire and definitely my faith. Loves God deeply and knows that he cannot do without God and desires to be obedient to God whatever the cost. God means too much to me now. I fear losing God. Cos without Him, I will lose myself and it is a scary place to be. I dont ever want to be there again. He keeps my heart soft. He gives me compassion and forgiveness and causes me to be a better person. A person filled with love and able to love in return.

And then there is Andrew. There is this side of him that is just so attractive. Yet he hides it. I wished he didnt. But if he didnt, I would have fallen in love with him. So perhaps it is good. I know that I would miss him. Although we didnt hang out much but he meant something to me. He was there at the time when I needed someone most.

Lord, most of all, take away that emptiness within me and fill it with Your love. I do not want to hurt anymore. I dont want to hold on to my past anymore. Toulia is gone and is of my past. My future is in front of me, ahead of me. Not behind. No more ifs no more wishes. It just is. Daddy, You are my destiny.

I know that You have someone for me. When we are both ready, You will bring us together. Meanwhile, help me to keep my eyes focused on You and to grow the gifts and talents that You have given me.

I know You have given me a gift in music, a love for music and Your songs. I still cant figure out what it would be for. But I will be faithful and grow that gift and I know that You will use it when the time is right.

I also know that I have been given a heart and a talent to look after, shepherd Your people. And I will be faithful to what and whom You have given into my life. To nurture them and grow them, so that they may become harvesters for Your crops.

Lead me and direct my steps Daddy. Flourish and bless my career Daddy. Continue that good work You started in me to heal me and change me that I might become more and more like Christ so that Your glory may be upon me. So that more will come to know You and who You are. Grow me in my sphere of influence Daddy. Like Jabez's prayer - Bless me indeed and enlarge my territory.

I dont know how it looks like for my tents to be enlarged but I can visualise many people and heaps of land that all belongs to me. I know I have a gift of influence. That whatever I say and do, people hold in high regard. But its not because of my own wisdom but wisdom from You Daddy. You have taught me the right ways to live and helped me to carry it through. So thank you Daddy!

27 Sept 2011 - What's happening?

After a couple of great weeks, for some reason, I'm on an emotional low.
Its gotten me cranky and upset too. I dont know why and I dont like it.

Thinking and missing him yet with the knowing that I will not pick him to be my future. I cant understand.

Regret over my past choices and how I got into relationships too.

I want to live a Godly life. I want to honour God. With my life and my body. With my relationships with my brothers and sisters and the one who will have a special place in my heart.

I want to shed all that the world has taught me. This path is so unfamiliar to me.

My heart is crying. But over what I dont know.

Help me God.

Soothe this pain.

Hold me tight.
Remind me of how much You love me and there is nothing to be sad about.
There is nothing to protect, to guard, except my heart. Cos that's the gateway to You and everything else doesnt matter.

Lord take this burden off my heart. I dont know what it is and why it is there. But I do know it doesnt belong there and I refuse to let it stay.

This beautiful day is from You to me and I refuse to let the deep sorrow fill my heart and day. Your promises are better than anything else in the world. And I will hold on to Your promises God.

You are the Lord over my life, so help me to live my life in a way that honours You. Show me more of You and teach me more of Your ways.

I love you Lord. Thank You for loving me first!

amen