After a couple of great weeks, for some reason, I'm on an emotional low.
Its gotten me cranky and upset too. I dont know why and I dont like it.
Thinking and missing him yet with the knowing that I will not pick him to be my future. I cant understand.
Regret over my past choices and how I got into relationships too.
I want to live a Godly life. I want to honour God. With my life and my body. With my relationships with my brothers and sisters and the one who will have a special place in my heart.
I want to shed all that the world has taught me. This path is so unfamiliar to me.
My heart is crying. But over what I dont know.
Help me God.
Soothe this pain.
Hold me tight.
Remind me of how much You love me and there is nothing to be sad about.
There is nothing to protect, to guard, except my heart. Cos that's the gateway to You and everything else doesnt matter.
Lord take this burden off my heart. I dont know what it is and why it is there. But I do know it doesnt belong there and I refuse to let it stay.
This beautiful day is from You to me and I refuse to let the deep sorrow fill my heart and day. Your promises are better than anything else in the world. And I will hold on to Your promises God.
You are the Lord over my life, so help me to live my life in a way that honours You. Show me more of You and teach me more of Your ways.
I love you Lord. Thank You for loving me first!
amen
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
13 sept 2011 - Tears falling down my face
Life is currently peaceful. Yet there's this sadness that keeps coming back. Each time I tink of my past there's still a tenderness there.
Wished that things had worked out with Toulia. People say that if a person loved another enough they would work things out. I wish that he would love me enough to come back. But that would mean that a sister would be hurt cos he didn't love her enough to stay with her.
So much for selfishness. I'm torn. But my real desire is that he would come back. Not sure if it's a good idea to wish for that. Regardless, his choice does not mean that I am any less valuable or any less loved.
I have grown heaps and leaned much. Yet I do sometimes look back and wish that I had followed the path of Christ earlier. That I was more surrounded by Christian leaders earlier. But I can't change the past. I can only look forward to God's promises for me. I can only look to and trust in His love for me.
There are days when I dont wish to do anything. Just want to spend time listening to sings praising Him, reading more about Him and getting to know Him better. I don't want to just know about God. I want to have my personal encounter with Him, to know Him intimately. And I don't know where I am at now.
Sometimes I feel His presence and closeness. Sometimes I feel like my knowledge of Him is only in my head and I am doing things to earn His approval.
I know God loves me so much that He gave His only son. So even if I do nothing He still would love me and protect me. Even if u don't serve Him He will still love me. It's not what I do that earned me His love. He loved me even before I even existed. Before I was even created He already loved me and had great plans for me. He had great things lined up for me. To do, to experience and to enjoy.
Just this sense of knowing how much God loves me causes me to want to know Him more. To want to spend time with Him more. Yet I struggle with what that looks like.
How Daddy how?
Wished that things had worked out with Toulia. People say that if a person loved another enough they would work things out. I wish that he would love me enough to come back. But that would mean that a sister would be hurt cos he didn't love her enough to stay with her.
So much for selfishness. I'm torn. But my real desire is that he would come back. Not sure if it's a good idea to wish for that. Regardless, his choice does not mean that I am any less valuable or any less loved.
I have grown heaps and leaned much. Yet I do sometimes look back and wish that I had followed the path of Christ earlier. That I was more surrounded by Christian leaders earlier. But I can't change the past. I can only look forward to God's promises for me. I can only look to and trust in His love for me.
There are days when I dont wish to do anything. Just want to spend time listening to sings praising Him, reading more about Him and getting to know Him better. I don't want to just know about God. I want to have my personal encounter with Him, to know Him intimately. And I don't know where I am at now.
Sometimes I feel His presence and closeness. Sometimes I feel like my knowledge of Him is only in my head and I am doing things to earn His approval.
I know God loves me so much that He gave His only son. So even if I do nothing He still would love me and protect me. Even if u don't serve Him He will still love me. It's not what I do that earned me His love. He loved me even before I even existed. Before I was even created He already loved me and had great plans for me. He had great things lined up for me. To do, to experience and to enjoy.
Just this sense of knowing how much God loves me causes me to want to know Him more. To want to spend time with Him more. Yet I struggle with what that looks like.
How Daddy how?
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
7 Sept 2011 - Revelation
As I prayed for a greater revelation of God and His love for me, a thought dropped into my mind and heart.
I often complain of not having enough time to spend with God, to do my bible readings and learn more about him.
The thought that came was that if I was struggling to find time to spend with Him meant that I was not placing God first. If He was first, I wouldn't need to find time to spend with Him.
My priorities were wrong. I prioritized my time to serve Him as time with god but that is not what God wants. I'm sure He would rather that I spend time with Him than to serve. Sure! He would love for me to love His people and serve. But He would want me to Himself first.
The other thing I struggle with is time to exercise. So I guess I need to prioritize what's important to me.
They would be
God
Exercise- health
Finances- make sure everything is paid on time
People- family then friends
Ministry- what i tink God wants me to do
Now that that is sorted, it's putting it into action to ensure that when I struggle for time next, the following order would be accomplished.
Thank God for this revelation. Holy spirit help me to put this into action.
Amen!
I often complain of not having enough time to spend with God, to do my bible readings and learn more about him.
The thought that came was that if I was struggling to find time to spend with Him meant that I was not placing God first. If He was first, I wouldn't need to find time to spend with Him.
My priorities were wrong. I prioritized my time to serve Him as time with god but that is not what God wants. I'm sure He would rather that I spend time with Him than to serve. Sure! He would love for me to love His people and serve. But He would want me to Himself first.
The other thing I struggle with is time to exercise. So I guess I need to prioritize what's important to me.
They would be
God
Exercise- health
Finances- make sure everything is paid on time
People- family then friends
Ministry- what i tink God wants me to do
Now that that is sorted, it's putting it into action to ensure that when I struggle for time next, the following order would be accomplished.
Thank God for this revelation. Holy spirit help me to put this into action.
Amen!
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