Decided not to be on facebook. Removed the application from my phone.
If i do not have the time to do it, i wont check facebook.
Reading the posts and seeing all the happy stuff that people post, which I want to be part of just makes me compare and gets me envious and jealous. This is not right. This is not how God wants me to live my life and if I am unable to help how I feel when I see those things, then best that I do not indulge in it until I am ready.
I refuse to be give in to my emotions and behave in whatever way my flesh wants.
I choose to walk in love and peace, in the way that God wants me to, in the way that Jesus did, in the way that the spirit guides me to.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
30 Jun 2011 - Too quick
i think Minah might be right - I am too quick, although I do believe that 3 months is a long time already. And being in a leadership position and attending evening college on the subject leadership, one should be more open. but I guess, that's for me aint it? Not for everyone.
I know I started off with good intentions, to get this resolved and sorted cos it is not good to be separated. However, my pursuit for justice has turned it into a fight for justice for me. And perhaps I am the one who is not listening to God.
So I commit this to God.
I prayed and ask that I might get to see Vonny if He wants me to talk to her. And I did run into her at LVN. I missed her on Sat and on Sun.
But there, she rejected me. Its odd. Thought that since God allowed the meeting to happen, it should be smooth, but oh wells, I have learnt stuff from it too, so perhaps that process was for me. :)
Now again, I commit this to Him. I will be taking this to the next step. And the final result I want is peace between the 2 of us. Not who is right or wrong.
I dont know what it is going to take.
And I will speak to Wan Hei about this. If she chooses not to pursue it, I will respect her decision. She is after all placed in her position by God. And I trust God, that He will speak to her and lead her. I know that she will pray about it. And if I am not hearing well from God cos of my heart condition, God will and can use someone else.
I am using her as a confirmation and the pace maker for God's timing.
After this, my part is done. I have done all that I can and I have no further regrets.
Thank God for showing me the past hurts and pains that has been holding me back.
Didnt think that what Deborah did and what Adam did had a hold on me.
I didnt think that I was afraid that people will leave me again. although truth is revealed, but the hurt is caused and there is a wound. and people who have left did not walk back. Most did not. In fact it showed the true side of their nature and it hurt.
I get that there will be people in my life who are not destined to walk the journey with me, but it is always easier to walk away from them than for them to reject me and walk away from me without finding out the truth but based on what they see and what they hear and whom they believed.
I do not like broken relationships. I have yet to experience a full restoration except with Sandra. Even with yiling, there seem to still be some walls. And I am sad. I guess our faith separates us too.
Lord help me.
Keep my heart soft and tender.
Thank you for the cleansing and purification process.
I know I started off with good intentions, to get this resolved and sorted cos it is not good to be separated. However, my pursuit for justice has turned it into a fight for justice for me. And perhaps I am the one who is not listening to God.
So I commit this to God.
I prayed and ask that I might get to see Vonny if He wants me to talk to her. And I did run into her at LVN. I missed her on Sat and on Sun.
But there, she rejected me. Its odd. Thought that since God allowed the meeting to happen, it should be smooth, but oh wells, I have learnt stuff from it too, so perhaps that process was for me. :)
Now again, I commit this to Him. I will be taking this to the next step. And the final result I want is peace between the 2 of us. Not who is right or wrong.
I dont know what it is going to take.
And I will speak to Wan Hei about this. If she chooses not to pursue it, I will respect her decision. She is after all placed in her position by God. And I trust God, that He will speak to her and lead her. I know that she will pray about it. And if I am not hearing well from God cos of my heart condition, God will and can use someone else.
I am using her as a confirmation and the pace maker for God's timing.
After this, my part is done. I have done all that I can and I have no further regrets.
Thank God for showing me the past hurts and pains that has been holding me back.
Didnt think that what Deborah did and what Adam did had a hold on me.
I didnt think that I was afraid that people will leave me again. although truth is revealed, but the hurt is caused and there is a wound. and people who have left did not walk back. Most did not. In fact it showed the true side of their nature and it hurt.
I get that there will be people in my life who are not destined to walk the journey with me, but it is always easier to walk away from them than for them to reject me and walk away from me without finding out the truth but based on what they see and what they hear and whom they believed.
I do not like broken relationships. I have yet to experience a full restoration except with Sandra. Even with yiling, there seem to still be some walls. And I am sad. I guess our faith separates us too.
Lord help me.
Keep my heart soft and tender.
Thank you for the cleansing and purification process.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
29 Jun 2011 - V
spoke with her last night. Well, not really spoke with, but to. Said that we need to talk and she said that we didnt need to.
Definitely didnt like her tone of voice.
If i were to place an emotion to it, sounded like she was disgusted that I would even speak with her.
I was a little taken aback with her tone. Couldnt really feel anything till now.
I am actually rather upset. not sure what emotion to place it on. But I know it is affecting me.
What crime did I do for her to treat me this way?
Its not like I am desperate for her friendship. I just want to make things right.
How can we as leaders encourage our team members when we cant do what we preach to them - to love and to forgive?
I am saddened that she is not open to having a conversation with me to clear things up.
It wasnt really that big a thing.
I know that I did not think deep enough and at that point in time, did not even realise that it was wrong. I have done little sneaky things like that before and as I learn and grow, I'm only trying to live with integrity.
But I am human aint I? I make mistakes too. And I am just constantly trying to improve when I become aware of it.
Unfortunately not everyone is that way. I guess each of us have our own timings. e.g. Misha. That's another story.
Back to Vonny.
What in the world did I do that cause such deep hatred towards me?
Its not like I did it deliberately.
why can she not understand it?
I dont know.
sigh.
I am sad.
I am sad, cos there's nothing I can do about it.
and I am sad, cos I know that the one to suffer will be her.
god knows my thoughts and my heart. And He knows that I never intended to cause her harm.
My intentions from start to now were only to help.
I know I have been misunderstood and if she chooses not to forgive me, it is not my problem. It is something that she has to take up with God.
And if she wants to carry the bitterness around with her cos of what she perceived I did = lie to her, and what I wrote on my fb, then there's really nothing that I can do.
What I wrote was not to communicate anything to her.
I had to encourage myself. I was feeling down. Alot had been happening that week.
Was that wrong? I do not think so.
Its what I took from the sermons I had been listening to.
If she took it personally and refuses to listen to my explanation, there is nothing I can do.
And God knows my heart. He knows how hurt I was.
I am glad that i do not hold it against her. although what she said about me needing professional help hurt. That remark stung. but I know that she too has been hurt through everything that happened.
I really wish that this can be cleared up. At least there can be healing for both parties.
God, give me grace.
Sometimes it feels really difficult to be a Christian.
I want to be obedient and not gossip, not complain. Yet sometimes, its so much easier to let everything out.
Like how I feel now. I wish I could speak to someone about it and unload the burden. But 1 - there is no one I can speak with.
2 - even if i do speak with someone, it is to get their sympathy. They really cant do anything much for me. And this is not even something about advice, which I would have people whom I can speak with.
I can see and sense myself changing. I dont know if this is good or not.
But in the past, I would have rattled on her to someone to just let go steam. But this time round, I am keeping almost everything to myself.
I know I spoke with Allan and Sylvia about it, but intention was to get Chris to be the mediator. And if it does not work, we'll see what Chris says. but this matter has to come out in the open.
I am not afraid of my mistake. I acknowledge that I was not living with integrity by deciding on that option. And I have learnt from that mistake. And there are still things that God is straightening up in my life. Such as downloading and my tithing. These are little things, but it concerns my faith in God. To be able to have access to these things and do it the right way.
Its still a process and a struggle in some aspects.
And I know my heart is pure. At least that I can be sure.
I know God loves me and sometimes things just will not go the way I want it to.
I thank God for the grace that He provides daily for the things that I have to endure.
Be it non-recognition, criticism, being laughed at, etc.
I know day by day, I will grow stronger.
I live to glorify Him. I live to point people to Him. I live to encourage people to turn to Him for everything!
I praise Him for He is good and worthy, regardless of my circumstances.
I know that I will get through this. And even though I do not know what the outcome will be (i.e. if I'll like it), I know that it will be good and it will be for my good and growth!
Definitely didnt like her tone of voice.
If i were to place an emotion to it, sounded like she was disgusted that I would even speak with her.
I was a little taken aback with her tone. Couldnt really feel anything till now.
I am actually rather upset. not sure what emotion to place it on. But I know it is affecting me.
What crime did I do for her to treat me this way?
Its not like I am desperate for her friendship. I just want to make things right.
How can we as leaders encourage our team members when we cant do what we preach to them - to love and to forgive?
I am saddened that she is not open to having a conversation with me to clear things up.
It wasnt really that big a thing.
I know that I did not think deep enough and at that point in time, did not even realise that it was wrong. I have done little sneaky things like that before and as I learn and grow, I'm only trying to live with integrity.
But I am human aint I? I make mistakes too. And I am just constantly trying to improve when I become aware of it.
Unfortunately not everyone is that way. I guess each of us have our own timings. e.g. Misha. That's another story.
Back to Vonny.
What in the world did I do that cause such deep hatred towards me?
Its not like I did it deliberately.
why can she not understand it?
I dont know.
sigh.
I am sad.
I am sad, cos there's nothing I can do about it.
and I am sad, cos I know that the one to suffer will be her.
god knows my thoughts and my heart. And He knows that I never intended to cause her harm.
My intentions from start to now were only to help.
I know I have been misunderstood and if she chooses not to forgive me, it is not my problem. It is something that she has to take up with God.
And if she wants to carry the bitterness around with her cos of what she perceived I did = lie to her, and what I wrote on my fb, then there's really nothing that I can do.
What I wrote was not to communicate anything to her.
I had to encourage myself. I was feeling down. Alot had been happening that week.
Was that wrong? I do not think so.
Its what I took from the sermons I had been listening to.
If she took it personally and refuses to listen to my explanation, there is nothing I can do.
And God knows my heart. He knows how hurt I was.
I am glad that i do not hold it against her. although what she said about me needing professional help hurt. That remark stung. but I know that she too has been hurt through everything that happened.
I really wish that this can be cleared up. At least there can be healing for both parties.
God, give me grace.
Sometimes it feels really difficult to be a Christian.
I want to be obedient and not gossip, not complain. Yet sometimes, its so much easier to let everything out.
Like how I feel now. I wish I could speak to someone about it and unload the burden. But 1 - there is no one I can speak with.
2 - even if i do speak with someone, it is to get their sympathy. They really cant do anything much for me. And this is not even something about advice, which I would have people whom I can speak with.
I can see and sense myself changing. I dont know if this is good or not.
But in the past, I would have rattled on her to someone to just let go steam. But this time round, I am keeping almost everything to myself.
I know I spoke with Allan and Sylvia about it, but intention was to get Chris to be the mediator. And if it does not work, we'll see what Chris says. but this matter has to come out in the open.
I am not afraid of my mistake. I acknowledge that I was not living with integrity by deciding on that option. And I have learnt from that mistake. And there are still things that God is straightening up in my life. Such as downloading and my tithing. These are little things, but it concerns my faith in God. To be able to have access to these things and do it the right way.
Its still a process and a struggle in some aspects.
And I know my heart is pure. At least that I can be sure.
I know God loves me and sometimes things just will not go the way I want it to.
I thank God for the grace that He provides daily for the things that I have to endure.
Be it non-recognition, criticism, being laughed at, etc.
I know day by day, I will grow stronger.
I live to glorify Him. I live to point people to Him. I live to encourage people to turn to Him for everything!
I praise Him for He is good and worthy, regardless of my circumstances.
I know that I will get through this. And even though I do not know what the outcome will be (i.e. if I'll like it), I know that it will be good and it will be for my good and growth!
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
28 Jun 2011 - thoughts
Its difficult to jot down my thoughts when I am consciously trying to do it. However when I am feeling an emotion and I ask myself what my thoughts are, it is much easier. Or when someone is having a conversation with me. sigh...
So many thoughts keep going through my mind. Was glad that I managed to get some out yesterday and out of that came a significant discovery - that I actually had a belief that I was not good enough as a child and that was why my dad never came home.
never thought I had thought of things that way.
Regardless, it was an interesting discovery. Not sure where to head to from here. But at least I know what generates that conversation. It was not just the way my mom was with me with regards to my studies. And I guess that was why it had such a huge effect on me and my relationships with men.
Also no wonder that I never bothered about how people thought about me. But it mattered alot what the men I was interested in thought about me and I often felt insecure with them, cos i have an underlying thought that I would never be enough.
Of cos this is not the only belief I am struggling with. I am sure there is another. The I must be perfect thought is probably just the surface. Just as the I am not good enough was also the surface.
I have no idea why there is such a strong attraction to John. I hardly know him. I wish I knew how attraction works. There must be something about him and all the other men I have dated that they have in common. Wonder what it is. If it is something healthy, it is great. otherwise i'm in trouble.
I've been trying to close the door but have not been successful to date.
Hope God takes it all away overnight. Would definitely save me a heap of issues. Consciously backing off is no fun. It is such a struggle.
Conflicting thoughts:-
1. If he were interested, he would have taken my number.
Well, he invited you to his house during Queen's birthday. Perhaps he had difficulty finding activities to invite you to?!
2. If he were interested, he would ask me out.
Perhaps he needed to know you a little more before deciding if he should ask you out.
He has offered to spend time and teach you guitar.
But he might have felt obliged to teach me guitar cos I gave him a guitar!
3. Dhani said before that a guy wouldnt spend time on something/someone that he is not interested in.
But he teaches a couple of people other stuff too - english for one. So does that mean he is interested in them?
4. If he was attracted to me, he would chat with me when he sees me online. But he doesnt.
5. He comes to see me on sundays whilst I am finishing up discovery.
He speaks to and greats everyone!
Too many thoughts.
I just need to lay this aside and not bother about it.
I need to focus.
- CG
- Personal growth - Need to get the relationship with Vonny sorted out
- Guitar - personal achievement
- Korean language - so I can reach out to the korean community, which is growing. This way I might be able to teach them the english language too.
Issue with Vonny - I only know I do not like the situation. I hate cold wars. And this is an absolute cold war.
I cannot understand why people actually want to fight!
And to think people hate confrontation. This is worse. Confrontation, there is a fight, but things get cleared up and better understanding.
But God help me to identify what my heart desires and guide me that I desire what he is after - reconciliation.
We are both leaders. We are both discipling other christians. How can we get them to walk in love and in peace if we are at war?
Disunity is not from God. And I do not want to be holy.
But I am unaware of what my subconscious is thinking. So I pray that I can focus on what God wants and not my subconscious.
Need to remind that my approaching Vonny is to make things right. Not so that I can be heard. God will ensure of that and if He hasnt, and doesnt, then it is not important enough. I have to trust Him.
I need to make things right.
I know my choices created results that have caused Vonny harm and I am really sorry about it.
but I do not know what to cover so there is reconciliation.
I did not need her friendship. I just wanted to help and thought I was helping.
I am certain it was a misunderstanding. Somehow along the lines, communication dropped out.
There was no need for me to lie to her. What benefit do I get? Not sure if this is necessary to bring up.
My purpose is not to have her understand what happened. If that's what she desires, I will explain. But my purpose is to reconcile this broken relationship so we can have growth in our lives and our ministry.
What needs to happen for a reconciliation?
Lord help me!
I will pursue this till it is resolved.
I know I have not been successful reaching her. And I will not get frustrated with it. I take it that it is not the right time yet. When the right time comes, God will open the doors for me to reach her and we can talk things through.
I believe I am ready and I hope I am not wrong about it. I hope she is too.
So many thoughts keep going through my mind. Was glad that I managed to get some out yesterday and out of that came a significant discovery - that I actually had a belief that I was not good enough as a child and that was why my dad never came home.
never thought I had thought of things that way.
Regardless, it was an interesting discovery. Not sure where to head to from here. But at least I know what generates that conversation. It was not just the way my mom was with me with regards to my studies. And I guess that was why it had such a huge effect on me and my relationships with men.
Also no wonder that I never bothered about how people thought about me. But it mattered alot what the men I was interested in thought about me and I often felt insecure with them, cos i have an underlying thought that I would never be enough.
Of cos this is not the only belief I am struggling with. I am sure there is another. The I must be perfect thought is probably just the surface. Just as the I am not good enough was also the surface.
I have no idea why there is such a strong attraction to John. I hardly know him. I wish I knew how attraction works. There must be something about him and all the other men I have dated that they have in common. Wonder what it is. If it is something healthy, it is great. otherwise i'm in trouble.
I've been trying to close the door but have not been successful to date.
Hope God takes it all away overnight. Would definitely save me a heap of issues. Consciously backing off is no fun. It is such a struggle.
Conflicting thoughts:-
1. If he were interested, he would have taken my number.
Well, he invited you to his house during Queen's birthday. Perhaps he had difficulty finding activities to invite you to?!
2. If he were interested, he would ask me out.
Perhaps he needed to know you a little more before deciding if he should ask you out.
He has offered to spend time and teach you guitar.
But he might have felt obliged to teach me guitar cos I gave him a guitar!
3. Dhani said before that a guy wouldnt spend time on something/someone that he is not interested in.
But he teaches a couple of people other stuff too - english for one. So does that mean he is interested in them?
4. If he was attracted to me, he would chat with me when he sees me online. But he doesnt.
5. He comes to see me on sundays whilst I am finishing up discovery.
He speaks to and greats everyone!
Too many thoughts.
I just need to lay this aside and not bother about it.
I need to focus.
- CG
- Personal growth - Need to get the relationship with Vonny sorted out
- Guitar - personal achievement
- Korean language - so I can reach out to the korean community, which is growing. This way I might be able to teach them the english language too.
Issue with Vonny - I only know I do not like the situation. I hate cold wars. And this is an absolute cold war.
I cannot understand why people actually want to fight!
And to think people hate confrontation. This is worse. Confrontation, there is a fight, but things get cleared up and better understanding.
But God help me to identify what my heart desires and guide me that I desire what he is after - reconciliation.
We are both leaders. We are both discipling other christians. How can we get them to walk in love and in peace if we are at war?
Disunity is not from God. And I do not want to be holy.
But I am unaware of what my subconscious is thinking. So I pray that I can focus on what God wants and not my subconscious.
Need to remind that my approaching Vonny is to make things right. Not so that I can be heard. God will ensure of that and if He hasnt, and doesnt, then it is not important enough. I have to trust Him.
I need to make things right.
I know my choices created results that have caused Vonny harm and I am really sorry about it.
but I do not know what to cover so there is reconciliation.
I did not need her friendship. I just wanted to help and thought I was helping.
I am certain it was a misunderstanding. Somehow along the lines, communication dropped out.
There was no need for me to lie to her. What benefit do I get? Not sure if this is necessary to bring up.
My purpose is not to have her understand what happened. If that's what she desires, I will explain. But my purpose is to reconcile this broken relationship so we can have growth in our lives and our ministry.
What needs to happen for a reconciliation?
Lord help me!
I will pursue this till it is resolved.
I know I have not been successful reaching her. And I will not get frustrated with it. I take it that it is not the right time yet. When the right time comes, God will open the doors for me to reach her and we can talk things through.
I believe I am ready and I hope I am not wrong about it. I hope she is too.
Friday, June 24, 2011
24 Jun 2011 - How much longer
Its been more than 3 decades and I am still fighting.
How much longer is this going to last?
I kinda understand how the criminals feel when they are let out of jail, having done their penance and wanting to start all over again, yet society, their family and those they have hurt still view them in the same light as before they were put in jail. No wonder they become repeat offenders. It is much safer inside, wearing the label they've been given than out there in the world trying to start over again.
This is the same for any kind of offence. Even emotional ones.
For years, I have fought a battle. Only to inch forward little by little each decade. The progress seems slow. But it is progress. Starting from accepting the fault/weakness to increasing awareness to being able to hold back once aware.
But the eyes looking at me, staring at me see me with the same glasses they've had on before the transformation began. And many times, I've wondered if the effort is worth anything at all. It is tiring and all consuming and without help and support, it is a lonely journey; fighting for I dont know what and I dont know who.
I wish the people who walked away never did. I know I cant change the past. And coming to terms with that fact is not easy, least to say filled with pain.
And although I know that I have improved, being able to listen to what people say and not be defensive about it and look at my own actions and go... Hold on, they might be right. Let's do something different about it... it still doesnt change the fact that right at this moment, I am still not there. And it is a dreading thought of when I will get there, and even IF I would even get there. Meanwhile, many others who cross my path continues to walk away from me.
The pain of rejection should spur me on and cause me to fight harder for those who have chosen to stay, to repay their trust, hopes and effort in me. Yet very often, that same pain causes me to want to give up.
I can see the signs. Binging, starving, all based on how depressed I feel - although I was not aware, now I am. It seems like I am all well and fine but the change, the swing in my eating habits reveal something. And that something says I am very affected yet I had denied all things. There isnt health in my diet. They are extremes. Either not eating or eating alot. That is not healthy.
It takes much effort to stop it all.
I feel so stuck.
i can see and identify so many things I do to attract attention. And I dont like it. I fight it. And the fight is so uncomfortable, cos it is not the normal way I go about doing things. I fight myself. Its hard.
If I didnt have God, I think it would be a lost battle. His presence gives me hope. His presence allows me to hold on and hang in there, cos I know His promise is real. His love is real. And He is for me.
One day I know I will be rid of all my biased perceptions towards people and the world and I can see people the way God intended for us to see each other - with love and as precious gems.
I will stop reacting due to my past and hot thoughts. I will be able to respond with love. I praise God for that and I wait for the day the transformation is complete.
How much longer is this going to last?
I kinda understand how the criminals feel when they are let out of jail, having done their penance and wanting to start all over again, yet society, their family and those they have hurt still view them in the same light as before they were put in jail. No wonder they become repeat offenders. It is much safer inside, wearing the label they've been given than out there in the world trying to start over again.
This is the same for any kind of offence. Even emotional ones.
For years, I have fought a battle. Only to inch forward little by little each decade. The progress seems slow. But it is progress. Starting from accepting the fault/weakness to increasing awareness to being able to hold back once aware.
But the eyes looking at me, staring at me see me with the same glasses they've had on before the transformation began. And many times, I've wondered if the effort is worth anything at all. It is tiring and all consuming and without help and support, it is a lonely journey; fighting for I dont know what and I dont know who.
I wish the people who walked away never did. I know I cant change the past. And coming to terms with that fact is not easy, least to say filled with pain.
And although I know that I have improved, being able to listen to what people say and not be defensive about it and look at my own actions and go... Hold on, they might be right. Let's do something different about it... it still doesnt change the fact that right at this moment, I am still not there. And it is a dreading thought of when I will get there, and even IF I would even get there. Meanwhile, many others who cross my path continues to walk away from me.
The pain of rejection should spur me on and cause me to fight harder for those who have chosen to stay, to repay their trust, hopes and effort in me. Yet very often, that same pain causes me to want to give up.
I can see the signs. Binging, starving, all based on how depressed I feel - although I was not aware, now I am. It seems like I am all well and fine but the change, the swing in my eating habits reveal something. And that something says I am very affected yet I had denied all things. There isnt health in my diet. They are extremes. Either not eating or eating alot. That is not healthy.
It takes much effort to stop it all.
I feel so stuck.
i can see and identify so many things I do to attract attention. And I dont like it. I fight it. And the fight is so uncomfortable, cos it is not the normal way I go about doing things. I fight myself. Its hard.
If I didnt have God, I think it would be a lost battle. His presence gives me hope. His presence allows me to hold on and hang in there, cos I know His promise is real. His love is real. And He is for me.
One day I know I will be rid of all my biased perceptions towards people and the world and I can see people the way God intended for us to see each other - with love and as precious gems.
I will stop reacting due to my past and hot thoughts. I will be able to respond with love. I praise God for that and I wait for the day the transformation is complete.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
18 Jun 2011 - Stranger
Suddenly, I feel like I dont know my friends anymore. Everyone is into brand names and luxury living. Not that i dont have a desire for it.. i just never saw the value. I even crave it cos everyone else is into it and if i wasnt, i felt like i was a failure.
but after the ben incident, where he kept talking about all the luxury brands he splurges on, and now san's job is consultant for luxury lifestyle, i dont know anymore. hearing them talk about brands.. i feel like i hardly know them now... I dont know if i am feeling jealous and i hope not. that last thing i wana do is to feel that way.
yet i duno how to shake this feelings i have. have my friends changed? or have i changed? i was never a fan of brands... perhaps cos i could never afford it. but also, i had to see that it was value for money. not value for name. it has to last. it has to be worthy in quality before i would recognise a brand name.
daddy god, i dont know the right from wrong it seems. help me.
helpme to behave the right way even though i dont feel that way. teach me what is right. keep me from the temptation of sinning against my brothers and sisters. help me forgive. help me to love.
but after the ben incident, where he kept talking about all the luxury brands he splurges on, and now san's job is consultant for luxury lifestyle, i dont know anymore. hearing them talk about brands.. i feel like i hardly know them now... I dont know if i am feeling jealous and i hope not. that last thing i wana do is to feel that way.
yet i duno how to shake this feelings i have. have my friends changed? or have i changed? i was never a fan of brands... perhaps cos i could never afford it. but also, i had to see that it was value for money. not value for name. it has to last. it has to be worthy in quality before i would recognise a brand name.
daddy god, i dont know the right from wrong it seems. help me.
helpme to behave the right way even though i dont feel that way. teach me what is right. keep me from the temptation of sinning against my brothers and sisters. help me forgive. help me to love.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
16 Jun 2011 - Hanging in there
Feel like crying.
I know this is just a season. I know this is temporary. I know this will pass.
Questions is WHEN?!
That really messes with my head.
I know I am in a refining process.
I know I will be fine.
I know I will get out better and stronger.
But I feel so torn. Torn by what my mind is telling me and what I am feeling and what I am observing from others and what my counsellor is telling me.
What IS the right thing? What is the right way?
Some say I am well and do not need to go for counselling. Cos God's grace is more than sufficient to cover it. And Jesus has already healed me of ALL things. The healing is internal and will take time to manifest. Just as an operation to remove something bad is internal, but once the healing takes place, externally the scars will go away and the pain too.
Some (Joyce, Dr Robi, Paul Scanlon) say its just a matter of changing my mindset.
Yet it feels like such a hard struggle that I sometimes wonder if they are right?
I guess they are and the questioning comes from the devil cos he doesnt want me to get better. He wants me down. He wants me broken and dysfunctional. Then I cannot do what God has planned for me to do.
And I refuse to stay down.
God is with me.
God loves me.
God gives me the strength to endure by relying on Him, by turning to Him.
My soul grieves when I see things that are happening in the world that I desire yet do not have.
Such as a life partner - someone who loves me and is willing to dedicate his life to journey mine with me. To go through "thick and thin" with me.
Cos that's how I am and would be with my partner, unwilling to give up, I expect the same, yet many have disappointed me. And they've ended up with other partners whom they were willing to dedicate their life and take the journey with them.
Makes me feel as though I were too demanding. That I ask for too much. That I am not good enough. That I am difficult to get along.
And all of that makes me sad.
Cos i dont think I am difficult to get along.
you just need to understand me and know why I say and do what I do.
I am lovable. I am loving, just like anyone else.
I am desirable. I am attractive. I am intelligent.
And I am worth the trouble to pursue.
And finishing 2 packets of chips definitely do NOT help me feel any better than I already do. In fact I feel worse. I have been thrown into a self-pity mode. And I hate it.
But this too shall pass. This is temporal. My mense is coming. I am feeling emotional. I am also tired and on the verge of falling sick cos of insufficient rest.
God gives me sufficient grace to deal with all situations. Jesus has already gone before me and overcome ALL, including this situation/season that I am in. And I will draw strength from that.
Being single does NOT make me any less worthy.
Having had several men walk out of my life does NOT make me any less valuable.
Letting several men break my heart does NOT make me any less desirable.
God has a plan for me. He promised that He is taking me to a higher level. But He has to deal with my weaknesses first.
I had initially thought my temper was what He was referring to. And perhaps it is one of my weaknesses. But now I believe it is more than that.
Relationships - specifically BGR is my weakness. I fall quick and easily. Usually for the wrong guy. And I get hurt. I do not wait it out and test the person to see if the person is what he says he is and takes his word for it. I trust and I fall and I end up hurting.
This has to stop.
Also, fantasizing about being with the guy is wrong. It is a sin. It is not doing any me good. I get a disillusional picture of the person and paint a way too perfect person. I dont get to know the person for who they are except for what I have conjured in my head.
First, I have to deal with my attitude/belief/perspective that I am a problem because I am single.
I am NOT a problem.
There is NOTHING wrong with me being single.
the voice says - "Its cos no one wants you that is why you are single"
NO!
Too many people want me. But I have been making the mistake of NOT choosing wisely which has caused me hurt. If I had waited, held back and chosen wisely, I would not have let these people into my heart and I would have walked away from them, instead of them walking away from me, cos they were never the right for me.
The only mistake that I have made is not choosing wisely. Not waiting, not holding back.
Not anything else.
I have to remember that I am worth it. I am precious and I need to be sure that the person whom I am giving my heart to has the capacity to and is WILLING to take care of my heart with all their might.
I am a precious princess. Delicate, fragile. Not everyone who says that they will take care of me will do it. They have to be tested. And until proven, their words cannot be trusted.
I am beautiful. I am attractive, I am desirable, I am lovable. I am worthy. I am perfect. There is no fault with me.
I can do this.
With God, I can get through this.
God is bringing me to a higher level.
The new season will come.
What I have is now. And I WILL enjoy this season.
I have a new guitar.
I have a love for music.
I have a love for languages.
I will master my guitar.
I will master the korean language.
Doing all of that does not make me any better. It just allows me to enjoy what I like.
Thank You Lord for Your gifts.
The Love of music, the love for languages, the clear and sound mind, quick thinking and reflexes.
The Peace that I know I have, to give me stability and comfort.
The redemption and forgiveness of my sins.
And the knowing that You love me and only have good plans for me.
I will rejoice and give thanks regardless of what I see in my circumstances; regardless of the worries in my heart.
I lay my cares at God's feet.
He knows what I need and when I need it. I do what I can in the natural and He provides the supernatural.
It is not dependant on what I do or how much I do. It all comes from His grace. So even if i make mistakes or I am not perfect and have not done things the way that I could, He will still deliver, cos He sees me righteous just as Christ is, for I am righteous in Christ Jesus.
God's grace is a gift. It cannot be worked for. There is nothing I do that can increase or decrease His love for me. My perfection is in Christ Jesus.
It is done. It is finished.
Amen!
I know this is just a season. I know this is temporary. I know this will pass.
Questions is WHEN?!
That really messes with my head.
I know I am in a refining process.
I know I will be fine.
I know I will get out better and stronger.
But I feel so torn. Torn by what my mind is telling me and what I am feeling and what I am observing from others and what my counsellor is telling me.
What IS the right thing? What is the right way?
Some say I am well and do not need to go for counselling. Cos God's grace is more than sufficient to cover it. And Jesus has already healed me of ALL things. The healing is internal and will take time to manifest. Just as an operation to remove something bad is internal, but once the healing takes place, externally the scars will go away and the pain too.
Some (Joyce, Dr Robi, Paul Scanlon) say its just a matter of changing my mindset.
Yet it feels like such a hard struggle that I sometimes wonder if they are right?
I guess they are and the questioning comes from the devil cos he doesnt want me to get better. He wants me down. He wants me broken and dysfunctional. Then I cannot do what God has planned for me to do.
And I refuse to stay down.
God is with me.
God loves me.
God gives me the strength to endure by relying on Him, by turning to Him.
My soul grieves when I see things that are happening in the world that I desire yet do not have.
Such as a life partner - someone who loves me and is willing to dedicate his life to journey mine with me. To go through "thick and thin" with me.
Cos that's how I am and would be with my partner, unwilling to give up, I expect the same, yet many have disappointed me. And they've ended up with other partners whom they were willing to dedicate their life and take the journey with them.
Makes me feel as though I were too demanding. That I ask for too much. That I am not good enough. That I am difficult to get along.
And all of that makes me sad.
Cos i dont think I am difficult to get along.
you just need to understand me and know why I say and do what I do.
I am lovable. I am loving, just like anyone else.
I am desirable. I am attractive. I am intelligent.
And I am worth the trouble to pursue.
And finishing 2 packets of chips definitely do NOT help me feel any better than I already do. In fact I feel worse. I have been thrown into a self-pity mode. And I hate it.
But this too shall pass. This is temporal. My mense is coming. I am feeling emotional. I am also tired and on the verge of falling sick cos of insufficient rest.
God gives me sufficient grace to deal with all situations. Jesus has already gone before me and overcome ALL, including this situation/season that I am in. And I will draw strength from that.
Being single does NOT make me any less worthy.
Having had several men walk out of my life does NOT make me any less valuable.
Letting several men break my heart does NOT make me any less desirable.
God has a plan for me. He promised that He is taking me to a higher level. But He has to deal with my weaknesses first.
I had initially thought my temper was what He was referring to. And perhaps it is one of my weaknesses. But now I believe it is more than that.
Relationships - specifically BGR is my weakness. I fall quick and easily. Usually for the wrong guy. And I get hurt. I do not wait it out and test the person to see if the person is what he says he is and takes his word for it. I trust and I fall and I end up hurting.
This has to stop.
Also, fantasizing about being with the guy is wrong. It is a sin. It is not doing any me good. I get a disillusional picture of the person and paint a way too perfect person. I dont get to know the person for who they are except for what I have conjured in my head.
First, I have to deal with my attitude/belief/perspective that I am a problem because I am single.
I am NOT a problem.
There is NOTHING wrong with me being single.
the voice says - "Its cos no one wants you that is why you are single"
NO!
Too many people want me. But I have been making the mistake of NOT choosing wisely which has caused me hurt. If I had waited, held back and chosen wisely, I would not have let these people into my heart and I would have walked away from them, instead of them walking away from me, cos they were never the right for me.
The only mistake that I have made is not choosing wisely. Not waiting, not holding back.
Not anything else.
I have to remember that I am worth it. I am precious and I need to be sure that the person whom I am giving my heart to has the capacity to and is WILLING to take care of my heart with all their might.
I am a precious princess. Delicate, fragile. Not everyone who says that they will take care of me will do it. They have to be tested. And until proven, their words cannot be trusted.
I am beautiful. I am attractive, I am desirable, I am lovable. I am worthy. I am perfect. There is no fault with me.
I can do this.
With God, I can get through this.
God is bringing me to a higher level.
The new season will come.
What I have is now. And I WILL enjoy this season.
I have a new guitar.
I have a love for music.
I have a love for languages.
I will master my guitar.
I will master the korean language.
Doing all of that does not make me any better. It just allows me to enjoy what I like.
Thank You Lord for Your gifts.
The Love of music, the love for languages, the clear and sound mind, quick thinking and reflexes.
The Peace that I know I have, to give me stability and comfort.
The redemption and forgiveness of my sins.
And the knowing that You love me and only have good plans for me.
I will rejoice and give thanks regardless of what I see in my circumstances; regardless of the worries in my heart.
I lay my cares at God's feet.
He knows what I need and when I need it. I do what I can in the natural and He provides the supernatural.
It is not dependant on what I do or how much I do. It all comes from His grace. So even if i make mistakes or I am not perfect and have not done things the way that I could, He will still deliver, cos He sees me righteous just as Christ is, for I am righteous in Christ Jesus.
God's grace is a gift. It cannot be worked for. There is nothing I do that can increase or decrease His love for me. My perfection is in Christ Jesus.
It is done. It is finished.
Amen!
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
15 Jun 2011 - I am angry
Apart from finding out what happened yesterday, reading today on the subject of praying in tongues brought to mind the conversation that i had with ben regarding praying in tongues. and I am angry. i feel a surge of self-righteousness coming to the surface.
Feel like saying the following to him and i'm sure there will be more when I am done.
- who do you think you are to say that speaking in tongues is not a gift for all? God gave it to all through the Holy Spirit. It is a gift for personal devotion with God. There's scientific proof as well that it does us well. Why can you not see the benefits? Not saying that you are any less if you do not have the gift but that you can ask for the gift.
dont want to sound like a sour grape. But I cant help feeling angry with Ben still.
I'm angry that he lied to me and led me on. If he did not have the intentions to work out something with me, why give me the impression that he had? It is not a game and already told him that I do not wish to play any games.
As an old friend, I thought that he would be honest. I didnt think that he would play such a dirty hand.
honestly, I didnt have to get together with him. I am not THAT desparate. It seemed like a nice thought getting back together with someone whom I dated before. Someone whom I dont remember much about and could possibly start afresh.
but he took advantage of that and used christianity and God to give the impression that he was an honest bloke. Said that he had no need to lie to me. But he did!
And when he changed his mind, he did not even have the decency to tell me anything about it. Just disappeared. I really hate guys like that. Totally irresponsible.
I am really hurt. I was not respected, nor honoured nor valued. And I am a princess, a daughter of God, made to be loved and treasured. I am precious. Yet someone who claims to be a son of God would actually be so careless with me.
I am upset with myself that I had actually allowed someone so callous so close into my life.
I really want to cry. Yet I cant. I dont know why.
2 Tim 3:5 - Beware of those who call themselves Christians and know everything of the bible, yet do not have the Holy Spirit in them and do not believe, nor are they honest.
I pray that God gives me the wisdom, to be able to discern the fake and phoney from the real. And to surround me with people who will guard me and keep me safe.
That I will learn to guard my heart against ALL things.
Psalm 4 - I leave my cares to God. He is my Vindicator. He has seen ALL that has happened. With Ben, with Vonny and He will bring the rewards to them. I refuse to hold on to the injustice, cos One who is the Greatest of them all has promised that He will Deliver me.
I shall hold on to the Peace, the Shalom Peace that Jesus left for me. and I will Trust in God and hold on to His Goodness and Promises, even though I do not see anything yet. I KNOW that God is working on my behalf.
I am Righteous. I am Beautiful. I am Attractive and I am worth Pursuing. God has someone who will treasure me and love me and not be careless with my heart.
I am WORTH IT!
Feel like saying the following to him and i'm sure there will be more when I am done.
- who do you think you are to say that speaking in tongues is not a gift for all? God gave it to all through the Holy Spirit. It is a gift for personal devotion with God. There's scientific proof as well that it does us well. Why can you not see the benefits? Not saying that you are any less if you do not have the gift but that you can ask for the gift.
dont want to sound like a sour grape. But I cant help feeling angry with Ben still.
I'm angry that he lied to me and led me on. If he did not have the intentions to work out something with me, why give me the impression that he had? It is not a game and already told him that I do not wish to play any games.
As an old friend, I thought that he would be honest. I didnt think that he would play such a dirty hand.
honestly, I didnt have to get together with him. I am not THAT desparate. It seemed like a nice thought getting back together with someone whom I dated before. Someone whom I dont remember much about and could possibly start afresh.
but he took advantage of that and used christianity and God to give the impression that he was an honest bloke. Said that he had no need to lie to me. But he did!
And when he changed his mind, he did not even have the decency to tell me anything about it. Just disappeared. I really hate guys like that. Totally irresponsible.
I am really hurt. I was not respected, nor honoured nor valued. And I am a princess, a daughter of God, made to be loved and treasured. I am precious. Yet someone who claims to be a son of God would actually be so careless with me.
I am upset with myself that I had actually allowed someone so callous so close into my life.
I really want to cry. Yet I cant. I dont know why.
2 Tim 3:5 - Beware of those who call themselves Christians and know everything of the bible, yet do not have the Holy Spirit in them and do not believe, nor are they honest.
I pray that God gives me the wisdom, to be able to discern the fake and phoney from the real. And to surround me with people who will guard me and keep me safe.
That I will learn to guard my heart against ALL things.
Psalm 4 - I leave my cares to God. He is my Vindicator. He has seen ALL that has happened. With Ben, with Vonny and He will bring the rewards to them. I refuse to hold on to the injustice, cos One who is the Greatest of them all has promised that He will Deliver me.
I shall hold on to the Peace, the Shalom Peace that Jesus left for me. and I will Trust in God and hold on to His Goodness and Promises, even though I do not see anything yet. I KNOW that God is working on my behalf.
I am Righteous. I am Beautiful. I am Attractive and I am worth Pursuing. God has someone who will treasure me and love me and not be careless with my heart.
I am WORTH IT!
Friday, June 10, 2011
10 Jun 2011 - Indignant
I am upset. And I am well aware that there are a heap of negative thoughts running through my mind now. Alot had to do with what's been happening over the last few days as well as what the counsellor said last night.
I am sure she was just trying to help me. However the message I received when she said that I need to change the way I communicated, so that from aggressive, it becomes assertive, which is more openly received.
However what I heard or the message I received was -
"you are the problem (again)"
"see, you are always wrong. God cant do anything in your life"
"Told you so, you have to change to suit people. People will not love you the way you are."
"She says they cannot see you, but that's a lie. Even if they can see you, they are not willing to accept you. you are not good enough. you will never be good enough. Give up. Forget it. Forget about changing"
and from what I know and have been focusing on the last few days, attitudes matter alot. the way I look at things matter. My perspectives matter.
And I know that my counsellor is NOT my enemy. The friend who refuses to make peace is NOT my enemy. The friend who decides to walk out on my life is NOT my enemy. The devil is. And I REFUSE to take offence to what they are doing or saying.
I know the way I am dealing with what I feel is not the best. But it is what I know. And I know that God is changing the way I think, so I will stop feeling what I feel.
What I do NOT know is whether it matter what I feel or not?!
Psychologists and counsellors seem to have a very different idea to that compared to what Joyce meyer preaches.
Lord, open my eyes and show me! I want to do it YOUR way, not Joyce, not the counsellor, not mine. Yours!
And I DO believe it is not as complicated as what many say it is. I do believe it is as simple as changing my perspective and attitude.
And regardless of the blowups and mistakes that I might make now, You are holy and You are righteous and You still LOVE ME! And I AM Holy, I AM Righteous. And You HAVE good plans for me, regardless of how I am right now. You know what You got when You chose me, when You called me. There is nothing else that I can do that can please You.
I thank You for Your love. I thank You for Loving me! I thank You for Jesus.
I WILL use what is in my hands to grow it and increase it. And You WILL fulfill the desires of my heart. I WILL step out boldly and not be afraid of my weaknesses cos You give me strength and You cover what I give to you.
Thank you God!
Amen!
I am sure she was just trying to help me. However the message I received when she said that I need to change the way I communicated, so that from aggressive, it becomes assertive, which is more openly received.
However what I heard or the message I received was -
"you are the problem (again)"
"see, you are always wrong. God cant do anything in your life"
"Told you so, you have to change to suit people. People will not love you the way you are."
"She says they cannot see you, but that's a lie. Even if they can see you, they are not willing to accept you. you are not good enough. you will never be good enough. Give up. Forget it. Forget about changing"
and from what I know and have been focusing on the last few days, attitudes matter alot. the way I look at things matter. My perspectives matter.
And I know that my counsellor is NOT my enemy. The friend who refuses to make peace is NOT my enemy. The friend who decides to walk out on my life is NOT my enemy. The devil is. And I REFUSE to take offence to what they are doing or saying.
I know the way I am dealing with what I feel is not the best. But it is what I know. And I know that God is changing the way I think, so I will stop feeling what I feel.
What I do NOT know is whether it matter what I feel or not?!
Psychologists and counsellors seem to have a very different idea to that compared to what Joyce meyer preaches.
Lord, open my eyes and show me! I want to do it YOUR way, not Joyce, not the counsellor, not mine. Yours!
And I DO believe it is not as complicated as what many say it is. I do believe it is as simple as changing my perspective and attitude.
And regardless of the blowups and mistakes that I might make now, You are holy and You are righteous and You still LOVE ME! And I AM Holy, I AM Righteous. And You HAVE good plans for me, regardless of how I am right now. You know what You got when You chose me, when You called me. There is nothing else that I can do that can please You.
I thank You for Your love. I thank You for Loving me! I thank You for Jesus.
I WILL use what is in my hands to grow it and increase it. And You WILL fulfill the desires of my heart. I WILL step out boldly and not be afraid of my weaknesses cos You give me strength and You cover what I give to you.
Thank you God!
Amen!
Thursday, June 9, 2011
8 Jun 2011 - Fighting the urges
Felt better this morning when I woke. However, as the hours pass, the urges seem to get worse.
There are so many things that I seem to have to fight. And I am trusting that God gives me the strength to persevere through them all.
- Confrontation with Vonny - to find out for how much longer does she intend to ignore me as if i do not exist, all because of a misunderstanding. But I know I am PMSing, which means that I have heightened emotions and what I feel might not be really what I wana do. I would prefer God to lead me in His right timing rather than go off on my own and try to fix things.
- Checking up on Ben - to see if he's had any activity in fb or whatsapp. but I know that if i do that, long term, it'll just make me more upset. So going to starve myself off this.
- Eating sweets and carbs. I know it'll satisfy my cravings in the short term, but I know that I will reap the effects of it tomorrow - the PMS becomes worse. Whereas if I were to starve it now, and feed myself the right foods - beef, nuts, etc; tomorrow I will definitely feel much better.
- Not holding back my emotions and lashing out at others. Already I have been irate/annoyed at a few people today and I know that I have also "let go" some steam through my short curt tones. I pretend I do not know what they are talking about, making them look silly, feel silly. I felt glee when doing it, and then guilt when I realise I am doing it. And once I stop and pull the reins in, I feel that internal "energy" trying to escape and break out through my skin. My head starts pounding.
But I REFUSE to give in.
Resisting giving in to my cravings, which I shall call them my flesh, is having such a physical effect on me now. Or perhaps I never used to notice it. The "hairs" on my skin seems to "stand". I can feel some kind of underlying current. As if something from inside of me wants to break out of my skin and escape.
sigh... Regardless, I will fight it. I will persevere. I know that God has given me sufficient grace to deal with it. God does not allow me to experience more than what I can. So if He is allowing me to experience this and even though I feel unbearable, i know that I have the grace to handle it and I CAN handle it.
I refuse to give in and satisfy my flesh. I am a new creation. My old ways are dead and crucified with Christ. I AM righteous in Christ Jesus. I can do what God wants me to do. I CAN do the right things even though it feels like shit!
I CAN!
Amen!
There are so many things that I seem to have to fight. And I am trusting that God gives me the strength to persevere through them all.
- Confrontation with Vonny - to find out for how much longer does she intend to ignore me as if i do not exist, all because of a misunderstanding. But I know I am PMSing, which means that I have heightened emotions and what I feel might not be really what I wana do. I would prefer God to lead me in His right timing rather than go off on my own and try to fix things.
- Checking up on Ben - to see if he's had any activity in fb or whatsapp. but I know that if i do that, long term, it'll just make me more upset. So going to starve myself off this.
- Eating sweets and carbs. I know it'll satisfy my cravings in the short term, but I know that I will reap the effects of it tomorrow - the PMS becomes worse. Whereas if I were to starve it now, and feed myself the right foods - beef, nuts, etc; tomorrow I will definitely feel much better.
- Not holding back my emotions and lashing out at others. Already I have been irate/annoyed at a few people today and I know that I have also "let go" some steam through my short curt tones. I pretend I do not know what they are talking about, making them look silly, feel silly. I felt glee when doing it, and then guilt when I realise I am doing it. And once I stop and pull the reins in, I feel that internal "energy" trying to escape and break out through my skin. My head starts pounding.
But I REFUSE to give in.
Resisting giving in to my cravings, which I shall call them my flesh, is having such a physical effect on me now. Or perhaps I never used to notice it. The "hairs" on my skin seems to "stand". I can feel some kind of underlying current. As if something from inside of me wants to break out of my skin and escape.
sigh... Regardless, I will fight it. I will persevere. I know that God has given me sufficient grace to deal with it. God does not allow me to experience more than what I can. So if He is allowing me to experience this and even though I feel unbearable, i know that I have the grace to handle it and I CAN handle it.
I refuse to give in and satisfy my flesh. I am a new creation. My old ways are dead and crucified with Christ. I AM righteous in Christ Jesus. I can do what God wants me to do. I CAN do the right things even though it feels like shit!
I CAN!
Amen!
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
8 Jun 2011 - Struggle
Yesterday was a great day. Until the night fell.
Seeing Vonny and the conversation I had with Ben both kinda crashed it all. I felt drained in just a matter of 30mins.
And this morn I wake up feeling depressed. I have been fighting it all morning.
Yesterday it was easy whenever a negative emotion came over me. I just declared God's love and grace over myself and thank God for His work that He is doing even though I cant see it. Today it's much more difficult. I keep feeling like crying.
I wonder when this would end. I have no idea what is causing me to feel this way and I refuse to submit to it. What right does it have to control me? It is but an emotion. And I choose my emotions and I refuse to choose to be sad!
As I blog, I feel like an idiot for sending the email I sent to Ben. As if he would have been interested to know how I was feeling. As if he were interested to know what I was thinking. What a fool I have been. If he was interested in me in any way, that would have passed as soon as I started getting paranoid.
And though I keep encouraging myself that if it was for God to bring us together, He would. But I cant help but find myself going down the path of negativity with this one - that it is a closed door. That he is not the one. i sure am fighting something, but I dont know what.
I was good not messaging him at all the whole day. And I had that radical thought and thought it was great if he and his family could come to Hillsong conference. It was for them. Not for me. I dont care if I didnt get to see him. I just thought it would be a different experience. It was nice that he texted back and we got to chat a little. But once again everything fell apart when I thought that I was doing him a favour by encouraging him from the scripture and he perceived it as me giving him advice. That just totally blew it.
Once again I seem to have trashed things. Although in all honesty I didnt do anything at all. And now obviously I feel silly for even falling for him. It was easy. I dated him before. How could I not fall for him. I didnt initiate the breakup. He walked away before, as he is now. What a liar. I hate him. I dont want anything to do with him. I so want to delete him on facebook. But it is a public declaration so I cant do what I FEEL like doing.
I want to "die to self" but I dont know how to. Help! :(
Lord, I know You are my Healer and whatever I am feeling, You are Lord over it all. I know that I will no longer feel the pain one day. Though I cant see You at work, I know You are working and I thank You for working in me and changing me. I thank You Jesus for praying on my behalf. And I thank You Holy Spirit for leading me and aligning me to God's will and plan for me.
I know that you know that I have a desire to be a wife and a mother and I know You have promised me that I will be one. And I hold on to that promise. Regardless how long it might seem. Regardless how desolate it might look. I know that You have plans for me and Your timing is the best. You know what is best for me and when I should have it. And I surrender to Your will. Let Your will be done. And give me the strength to persevere.
Thank You for loving me Daddy.
amen!
Seeing Vonny and the conversation I had with Ben both kinda crashed it all. I felt drained in just a matter of 30mins.
And this morn I wake up feeling depressed. I have been fighting it all morning.
Yesterday it was easy whenever a negative emotion came over me. I just declared God's love and grace over myself and thank God for His work that He is doing even though I cant see it. Today it's much more difficult. I keep feeling like crying.
I wonder when this would end. I have no idea what is causing me to feel this way and I refuse to submit to it. What right does it have to control me? It is but an emotion. And I choose my emotions and I refuse to choose to be sad!
As I blog, I feel like an idiot for sending the email I sent to Ben. As if he would have been interested to know how I was feeling. As if he were interested to know what I was thinking. What a fool I have been. If he was interested in me in any way, that would have passed as soon as I started getting paranoid.
And though I keep encouraging myself that if it was for God to bring us together, He would. But I cant help but find myself going down the path of negativity with this one - that it is a closed door. That he is not the one. i sure am fighting something, but I dont know what.
I was good not messaging him at all the whole day. And I had that radical thought and thought it was great if he and his family could come to Hillsong conference. It was for them. Not for me. I dont care if I didnt get to see him. I just thought it would be a different experience. It was nice that he texted back and we got to chat a little. But once again everything fell apart when I thought that I was doing him a favour by encouraging him from the scripture and he perceived it as me giving him advice. That just totally blew it.
Once again I seem to have trashed things. Although in all honesty I didnt do anything at all. And now obviously I feel silly for even falling for him. It was easy. I dated him before. How could I not fall for him. I didnt initiate the breakup. He walked away before, as he is now. What a liar. I hate him. I dont want anything to do with him. I so want to delete him on facebook. But it is a public declaration so I cant do what I FEEL like doing.
I want to "die to self" but I dont know how to. Help! :(
Lord, I know You are my Healer and whatever I am feeling, You are Lord over it all. I know that I will no longer feel the pain one day. Though I cant see You at work, I know You are working and I thank You for working in me and changing me. I thank You Jesus for praying on my behalf. And I thank You Holy Spirit for leading me and aligning me to God's will and plan for me.
I know that you know that I have a desire to be a wife and a mother and I know You have promised me that I will be one. And I hold on to that promise. Regardless how long it might seem. Regardless how desolate it might look. I know that You have plans for me and Your timing is the best. You know what is best for me and when I should have it. And I surrender to Your will. Let Your will be done. And give me the strength to persevere.
Thank You for loving me Daddy.
amen!
Monday, June 6, 2011
6 Jun 2011 - Love
Love the person before you even have designs on the person.
This is a lesson I learnt (am still learning) whilst I pursue God's heart and His will for me, and as I wait patiently for God to bring the man of my dreams into my life.
My desire is to be with someone who is a man after God's heart, who fears God and loves God.
and I search to identify that person, I am reminded of a friendship that I have, whom I have not "judge" or categorised into whether He was a man after God's heart or not. Reason being firstly cos He was not a christian and secondly being that I was not attracted to him in any manner. And all I am to him is a friend. A good friend who would not abandon him in his times of need. Loves him the way he is, hoping and praying that one day, he will come to know God.
This has just reminded me to keep my eyes focused on God and not judging and analysing every male that comes into my life, whether he is "husband" material or not. God knows better. What He wants is for me to love people the way they are, regardless of whether they are husband material or not.
If i already have "intentions" about the person, then my view of the person will be biased. I cannot love the person for who they are. I cannot know the person for who they are too. I will constantly be insecure and upset when they do not respond in a way that I would like them to.
I am thankful that God has shown me this. Now is the more difficult but not impossible part - to NOT have expectations on Ben. To see him as a friend and not be disappointed at his lack of interest.
I did and have caused some awkwardness due to my reactions. And I wont say I am glad to suffer the consequences, but I will bear it. God will give me the grace to bear with it and I will have the favour that God will give me with the right people.
If Ben is not the one, I will not have favour and that's cool. (I hope)
Ultimately, I want to walk away and have known him better than I did 13 years ago.
I dont want him to be another hi-bye friend. I want to know what he likes and dislikes, what his dreams are and to be able to encourage him the way I encourage Ed.
I thank God for Ed. He has given me a great example to sow and grow my friendships with the opposite sex. Ed has been an awesome friend. I am really thankful!
This is a lesson I learnt (am still learning) whilst I pursue God's heart and His will for me, and as I wait patiently for God to bring the man of my dreams into my life.
My desire is to be with someone who is a man after God's heart, who fears God and loves God.
and I search to identify that person, I am reminded of a friendship that I have, whom I have not "judge" or categorised into whether He was a man after God's heart or not. Reason being firstly cos He was not a christian and secondly being that I was not attracted to him in any manner. And all I am to him is a friend. A good friend who would not abandon him in his times of need. Loves him the way he is, hoping and praying that one day, he will come to know God.
This has just reminded me to keep my eyes focused on God and not judging and analysing every male that comes into my life, whether he is "husband" material or not. God knows better. What He wants is for me to love people the way they are, regardless of whether they are husband material or not.
If i already have "intentions" about the person, then my view of the person will be biased. I cannot love the person for who they are. I cannot know the person for who they are too. I will constantly be insecure and upset when they do not respond in a way that I would like them to.
I am thankful that God has shown me this. Now is the more difficult but not impossible part - to NOT have expectations on Ben. To see him as a friend and not be disappointed at his lack of interest.
I did and have caused some awkwardness due to my reactions. And I wont say I am glad to suffer the consequences, but I will bear it. God will give me the grace to bear with it and I will have the favour that God will give me with the right people.
If Ben is not the one, I will not have favour and that's cool. (I hope)
Ultimately, I want to walk away and have known him better than I did 13 years ago.
I dont want him to be another hi-bye friend. I want to know what he likes and dislikes, what his dreams are and to be able to encourage him the way I encourage Ed.
I thank God for Ed. He has given me a great example to sow and grow my friendships with the opposite sex. Ed has been an awesome friend. I am really thankful!
Friday, June 3, 2011
3 Jun 2011 - Desires
Daddy,
My heart aches.
I cant stop the aching. Its not pain. Its not a hurt. Just a deep longing.
You know, Daddy, that I have been longing to have a family of my own for many years now. Seeing my friends settle down and find someone to share their lives with doesnt make it any easier.
Why do I feel this way?
And why did my relationships all not work?
I do not mind not having a family of my own. Just take the desire away from me then.
Perhaps I lie when I say I do not mind.
Regardless, if its not Your will for me, take it away Daddy. I know You have given others the gift of celibacy and if that is the case for me, give me that gift too, so I can concentrate on serving rather than trying to fill that deep longing.
Its been one too many relationships that I have had.
I wish I could be confident when I declare that You do have someone for me. But I am not sure.
Help me to NOT look at my circumstances Lord. If You have called me to be like Deborah and lead Your people in a time like this, then help me God, help me to have faith in You and not look at my circumstances.
Lift me up, above my circumstances and fill me with Your faith Daddy. You are the faithful one. Help me to lean on You Lord. Help me to understand how great Your love is for me! Help me to KNOW that You work all things for good and all You want for me is the best.
You are the Alpha and the Omega. You would know EVERYTHING that is happening to this world. So You would know what's best for me. Help me to see that Lord. Help me to have a revelation of that Lord. Change my heart, change my perspective. Help me BE STILL Daddy. Help me to grasp the Shalom Peace that Jesus left for me. Let not the devil steal it from me.
Fill my empty heart with Your love Daddy. Fill it so full that I will not have that longing or feel the emptiness again Lord. Fill it so it is overflowing and others can experience Your glory. Lift me up as an example Lord, that people may see You in me. Use me Daddy. Fill my life with Your purpose Lord. Help me surrender Lord. I want. I desire, but I cant. You can Daddy. So help me.
My heart aches.
I cant stop the aching. Its not pain. Its not a hurt. Just a deep longing.
You know, Daddy, that I have been longing to have a family of my own for many years now. Seeing my friends settle down and find someone to share their lives with doesnt make it any easier.
Why do I feel this way?
And why did my relationships all not work?
I do not mind not having a family of my own. Just take the desire away from me then.
Perhaps I lie when I say I do not mind.
Regardless, if its not Your will for me, take it away Daddy. I know You have given others the gift of celibacy and if that is the case for me, give me that gift too, so I can concentrate on serving rather than trying to fill that deep longing.
Its been one too many relationships that I have had.
I wish I could be confident when I declare that You do have someone for me. But I am not sure.
Help me to NOT look at my circumstances Lord. If You have called me to be like Deborah and lead Your people in a time like this, then help me God, help me to have faith in You and not look at my circumstances.
Lift me up, above my circumstances and fill me with Your faith Daddy. You are the faithful one. Help me to lean on You Lord. Help me to understand how great Your love is for me! Help me to KNOW that You work all things for good and all You want for me is the best.
You are the Alpha and the Omega. You would know EVERYTHING that is happening to this world. So You would know what's best for me. Help me to see that Lord. Help me to have a revelation of that Lord. Change my heart, change my perspective. Help me BE STILL Daddy. Help me to grasp the Shalom Peace that Jesus left for me. Let not the devil steal it from me.
Fill my empty heart with Your love Daddy. Fill it so full that I will not have that longing or feel the emptiness again Lord. Fill it so it is overflowing and others can experience Your glory. Lift me up as an example Lord, that people may see You in me. Use me Daddy. Fill my life with Your purpose Lord. Help me surrender Lord. I want. I desire, but I cant. You can Daddy. So help me.
3 Jun 2011 - Faith
I know I need to keep my eyes on Christ. I need to trust that God is sovereign and knows what He is doing.
I "understand" all of that, yet I am sure I dont. Cos if I did, i would not be so troubled by the issues of life. I am troubled because I do not trust that God is sovereign and that He is in control.
Alternatively, it could be that I do not believe that God loves me!
So even if He is sovereign and in control and knows what He is doing, whatever He is doing does not include me in His plans and His good plans might not include me.
What a LIAR the devil can be.
Jer 29:11 says - For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (NIV)
God KNOWS His plans for me. And His plans are not to harm me. His plans are to prosper me, and give me a hope and a future!
How can i listen to the lies of the devil?!
And in Eph 2:20 says that I am God's own handiwork, His workmanship; recreated in Christ Jesus.
Eph 1:4 says that I have been chosen, picked out before the foundation of the world.
So that I may do those the good works which God predestined (planned beforehand) for me.
God planned those work for me before I was even born. Before the foundation of this earth!
I have been chosen to be IN CHRIST and holy, set apart for Him, blameless in His sight, and in love; taking paths which He prepared ahead of time, so that I will walk in them, living the good life which He prearranged and made ready for me to live.
It is a good life that He has PRE-ARRANGED!! God has pre-arranged it!
I dont think i doubt that God can do all of that. I think my doubt and lack of trust is that whether He will do all of that FOR ME!
But that's an unnecessary question. If God did not love me, He would not have sent Jesus to suffer for me and then die for me. Yes Jesus died for the "world". But I AM part of that world. And I have been chosen to know Christ. Otherwise I wont be a Christian. So why would I not trust that God loves me?!
He HAS done alot for me. How much more do I need Him to prove that He loves me?!
Where did this lack of trust come from? This lack of trust is seeping into all other areas in my life.
Lord, please uncover this and remove this lack of trust from my life. I want to trust You and You alone. Not me or anyone else. Help me to trust You Lord. Give me the revelation of Your love for me. Let not the words that I speak of You be empty words but words filled with Your Spirit and Your life!
In Jesus name, AMEN!
I "understand" all of that, yet I am sure I dont. Cos if I did, i would not be so troubled by the issues of life. I am troubled because I do not trust that God is sovereign and that He is in control.
Alternatively, it could be that I do not believe that God loves me!
So even if He is sovereign and in control and knows what He is doing, whatever He is doing does not include me in His plans and His good plans might not include me.
What a LIAR the devil can be.
Jer 29:11 says - For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (NIV)
God KNOWS His plans for me. And His plans are not to harm me. His plans are to prosper me, and give me a hope and a future!
How can i listen to the lies of the devil?!
And in Eph 2:20 says that I am God's own handiwork, His workmanship; recreated in Christ Jesus.
Eph 1:4 says that I have been chosen, picked out before the foundation of the world.
So that I may do those the good works which God predestined (planned beforehand) for me.
God planned those work for me before I was even born. Before the foundation of this earth!
I have been chosen to be IN CHRIST and holy, set apart for Him, blameless in His sight, and in love; taking paths which He prepared ahead of time, so that I will walk in them, living the good life which He prearranged and made ready for me to live.
It is a good life that He has PRE-ARRANGED!! God has pre-arranged it!
I dont think i doubt that God can do all of that. I think my doubt and lack of trust is that whether He will do all of that FOR ME!
But that's an unnecessary question. If God did not love me, He would not have sent Jesus to suffer for me and then die for me. Yes Jesus died for the "world". But I AM part of that world. And I have been chosen to know Christ. Otherwise I wont be a Christian. So why would I not trust that God loves me?!
He HAS done alot for me. How much more do I need Him to prove that He loves me?!
Where did this lack of trust come from? This lack of trust is seeping into all other areas in my life.
Lord, please uncover this and remove this lack of trust from my life. I want to trust You and You alone. Not me or anyone else. Help me to trust You Lord. Give me the revelation of Your love for me. Let not the words that I speak of You be empty words but words filled with Your Spirit and Your life!
In Jesus name, AMEN!
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