Its more than 1 year since the breakup. Its just one more day and its mom's birthday already. Same time last year, I was back in Singapore celebrating mom's birthday. I cant shake that feeling I have... an ache, a pain in my heart. Miss my parents heaps. I wish I could have them here with me.
God knows my desire. He will bring it to past. I shall not try to do it on my own. Its is too tough, too difficult and most probably not the direction that God wants me to head.
There's a deep ache within me that doesnt seem to get filled. I cannot figure out what it is. Just wishing that it would go away. But it doesnt. Although the good that comes out of it is the opportunity to draw close to God. I guess I wouldnt say its an opportunity, cos the door to God is always open. He waits for us. He waits for me. I just have to choose.
I know I am feeling emotional. Cos suddenly, I am attracted to so many people and I just know that they are not the ones. Yoshi is too young. Peter, there's still something about him that doesnt sit right. It feels nice. Cos he has a flashy car and the money and he has started to come to church much more. But I dont know enough about him.
What I need is someone who shares my passion and my desire and definitely my faith. Loves God deeply and knows that he cannot do without God and desires to be obedient to God whatever the cost. God means too much to me now. I fear losing God. Cos without Him, I will lose myself and it is a scary place to be. I dont ever want to be there again. He keeps my heart soft. He gives me compassion and forgiveness and causes me to be a better person. A person filled with love and able to love in return.
And then there is Andrew. There is this side of him that is just so attractive. Yet he hides it. I wished he didnt. But if he didnt, I would have fallen in love with him. So perhaps it is good. I know that I would miss him. Although we didnt hang out much but he meant something to me. He was there at the time when I needed someone most.
Lord, most of all, take away that emptiness within me and fill it with Your love. I do not want to hurt anymore. I dont want to hold on to my past anymore. Toulia is gone and is of my past. My future is in front of me, ahead of me. Not behind. No more ifs no more wishes. It just is. Daddy, You are my destiny.
I know that You have someone for me. When we are both ready, You will bring us together. Meanwhile, help me to keep my eyes focused on You and to grow the gifts and talents that You have given me.
I know You have given me a gift in music, a love for music and Your songs. I still cant figure out what it would be for. But I will be faithful and grow that gift and I know that You will use it when the time is right.
I also know that I have been given a heart and a talent to look after, shepherd Your people. And I will be faithful to what and whom You have given into my life. To nurture them and grow them, so that they may become harvesters for Your crops.
Lead me and direct my steps Daddy. Flourish and bless my career Daddy. Continue that good work You started in me to heal me and change me that I might become more and more like Christ so that Your glory may be upon me. So that more will come to know You and who You are. Grow me in my sphere of influence Daddy. Like Jabez's prayer - Bless me indeed and enlarge my territory.
I dont know how it looks like for my tents to be enlarged but I can visualise many people and heaps of land that all belongs to me. I know I have a gift of influence. That whatever I say and do, people hold in high regard. But its not because of my own wisdom but wisdom from You Daddy. You have taught me the right ways to live and helped me to carry it through. So thank you Daddy!
