I so don’t feel like working.
I really don’t know why.
I love my work. I love what i do. So what’s the problem now?
Is there even a problem?
Sigh.. I wished I knew.
Well, regardless of how I feel, I need to do what is right. And that is making good use of my working time to do work work.
Meanwhile, better get all the documents ready for my tax returns. I need to get the money over asap.
There seems to be heaps of stuff coming up that’s due for payment and its scarying me.
Sigh...
I am grateful that God loves me. I am thankful that I am protected by His love and favour. That I righteous and He keeps teaching me things.
Sometimes I feel awful cos I feel like an idiot, cos I seem to be learning about things that most have learnt when they were younger.
Thank goodness my Daddy God is a loving, patient Father.
I was feeling extremely miserable with the prospect of not having my favour returned.
From all the questions and thoughts, I believe the Holy Spirit showed me the issues I had.
I was taught to despise ugly people.
So when someone I did not fancy fancied me, especially if he was not good looking, I would get disgusted.
And I guess when I do not have my feelings returned, I put myself through the same horrible judgment even though that is not what the person thinks.
And then I feel horrible and rejected and unloved and unaccepted.
I forget that THAT is but 1 person. And that God has the right person for me. Someone who will love me, accept me, is supportive and encouraging so that I can live out the potential that God has planted in me; make full use of my gifts.
How and when did I get so haughty that I think I am above all others?
It saddens me. And it fears me to think what other sins I have committed that I am unaware of! It is so easy to fall prey to the devil’s schemes.
Thank God He left me My Guide and Leader, to keep me safe and within the boundaries of His word.
I pray that He humbles me and keeps me lowly at His feet. I am no one without Him. All that I have – favour, blessings, possessions, they are all from Him. I did nothing to gain any of it.
Thank You God!
I thought that J was the one, but now I don’t think so. I think he is way too young to like someone so much older. Of cos I wish it was otherwise and only God knows what is. And for whatever reasons I was attracted to him, I guess and hope that it will pass in time to come. I’m sure (although I had hoped not) that he takes me as a younger sister (I don’t say older cos I don’t look it) and he is just being really kind. I’m sure he will make a great husband and father. And I pray that he will find someone. No. I KNOW that he will have someone, cos God already has the person planned. Its just a matter of time. If he is ready, then perhaps the other person is just not ready and that is why. And its the same for me. Either I am not ready or the person God has in mind is not ready. But I know that I WILL have someone to journey life with, to enjoy this life that God created, to create and leave a legacy. And I refuse to be anxious. And I know that the time is soon. I don’t know when, and it can seem like forever, but I know it is soon. I am excited.
We are to work together for the benefit of each other and pursue God’s kingdom... bring it up a higher level together.
I am excited at the thoughts of it.
And I refuse to let this little thought become a mountain. I AM worthy. I AM beautiful. And I will stop saying negative things about myself. I know it is a way to get compliments. And I know that I have been testing him to see if i can get positive encouragement from him or not. Time to back off. Time to leave him alone. Time to let him have his own time and do his own stuff. My compliments are to come from God. God’s words are to matter more. I should be seeking reassurance from God, not someone else. It has been nice to receive those compliments from him, but he is not my world. God is. So I will place the weight on God’s words.
Thank you Lord for sending someone to help me grow and nurture the gifts that You have placed in me.
Not just the gift of music but also of singing, of confidence, of leading. You have made room for the person you called me to be to grow and blossom.
Thank You Daddy! Thank You for loving me.
Holy spirit, help me to remember this all the days of my life. My worth comes from God, not what people say about me. And I know how easy it is to be sucked in and let what someone thinks of me to override all I know about God and what God says about me. Keep me within the boundaries of God’s words. Thank You!
Friday, July 22, 2011
Monday, July 18, 2011
18 July 2010 - What's happening?
I dont know what is wrong, but somehow I just dont feel like working.
I'm not sure if its cos the stuff I am working on is stale or I am preoccupied with other stuff.
Perhaps both.
And as I learn the guitar and get better at it, I cant help but to feel a burning desire to want to be able to play the songs I hear, be it the same way the original artists played it or in the style that I like.
I find my love for music growing. What is happening? Why is this so?
Is it really my love for music or is it cos of the time that I get to spend with him?
I am frightened.
I dont want to fall in love with someone whom I will never have.
I dont know who God has for me. And I have been through the times when I have replaced God with the person He has placed me with and things fell apart. I am afraid of that happening again the most.
I yearn to have someone to journey life with me, to love me. Yet I fear the pain I experienced from having walked away from God before and I dont ever want to go through that away.
I seem to be in a state of lull. I'm not sad yet I am not totally joyful. There's something heavy on my heart. I dont want that.
:(
help...
:(
I'm not sure if its cos the stuff I am working on is stale or I am preoccupied with other stuff.
Perhaps both.
And as I learn the guitar and get better at it, I cant help but to feel a burning desire to want to be able to play the songs I hear, be it the same way the original artists played it or in the style that I like.
I find my love for music growing. What is happening? Why is this so?
Is it really my love for music or is it cos of the time that I get to spend with him?
I am frightened.
I dont want to fall in love with someone whom I will never have.
I dont know who God has for me. And I have been through the times when I have replaced God with the person He has placed me with and things fell apart. I am afraid of that happening again the most.
I yearn to have someone to journey life with me, to love me. Yet I fear the pain I experienced from having walked away from God before and I dont ever want to go through that away.
I seem to be in a state of lull. I'm not sad yet I am not totally joyful. There's something heavy on my heart. I dont want that.
:(
help...
:(
Thursday, July 7, 2011
5 July 2011 - Lessons from Mr Traffic Light
God uses all things to speak to us – even traffic lights!
Yes... Mr Traffic Light taught me a couple of lessons today.
I am 2 minds about sharing this cos i have come to realise that some lessons that i learn, are JUST for me and not meant to be shared. And when I do share it, most do not understand it! :(
But what the heck... at least this would be a good reminder for me :D
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was blessed to stay over at a friend’s place at Pyrmont these few couple of nights while Hillsong Conference was being held at the Sydney Entertainment centre.
This allowed me the luxury of waking up at the same time, yet able to use my time differently for other things. One of which was to take a nice lovely stroll from his place to Clarence street bus stop.
God used the walk and Mr Traffic Light to remind me of a couple of things and some new ones too.
As I took my walk today, I was reminded that I often went ahead to do things my way, thinking they are best for me and the quickest way to get to my destination. I thought I knew best but I have been shown that I was wrong... many times...
- I remember the time when I jay walked (ran) across the road cos I had missed my traffic light and was wanting to catch my bus which I saw was approaching; only to be stuck in the middle of the road amidst fierce oncoming traffic!
Not only did I miss my bus, but I put myself right in the middle of danger! How useful could that have been?! And how much quicker did I get to my destination?! Errr... I didn’t!!
Lol
I made a conscious effort to wait at the traffic lights, since God was showing me things.
As I did that, the Holy Spirit gently probed me, “My daughter, why do you like taking such unnecessary risks?” “Why are you in such a hurry?” “Dont you trust me?”
To which I replied, “hmmm .... I wanted to get to my destination faster? I want to be faster than the rest of my peers? I DO trust You.... but I thought I would help by moving a little quicker!”
Now... at this point, you would probably think I was silly to even think this way, but unfortunately, that was how I was programmed to think. Yes, yes... blame my past. And I am really making a conscious effort to stop and wait and be patient.
The Holy Spirit pressed on, “Do you REALLY get to your destination faster? Are you better off because you are further ahead of your peers – in career, experience, life, etc? And are you REALLY trusting me by trying to help Me?!”
Well... the answer is obvious already aint it? You know it, and so did I. But how often do we still go ahead to do what we know is not what God wants for us? Just because...
At this moment, I saw a guy jay walk across the traffic light. There was no on-coming traffic and all seemed fine. And I said, “See that guy is getting across the road faster than the rest of us waiting at the traffic light!”
Halfway through, the man changed green in color and the rest of us could cross the road as well. That guy got across the road not more than a few seconds faster than the rest of us.
But at what risks? At what costs?
What IF a reckless driver in a rush to his destination sped round the corner?
What IF there was a car that was turning but went unnoticed by the guy?
That would probably have cost him his life, if not, some serious injury, amidst some of the lesser evil, such as getting in the way of others who had the right of way!
Very often, we do not wait for God’s timing, but try to take things into our own hands. No doubt we get to where we want to go and we get what we want, most times. However, at what expense?
Just like that guy crossing the road, we take the risk of getting into trouble that could have been avoided.
No doubt there might be reckless drivers trying to rush to their destinations and make a turn and crash into us. Well, we live with human beings right? Not all of us are obedient are we? Not even those of us who have a relationship with Christ are obedient, least to say those who are not?!
BUT the risks we run, crossing at the right times, will be much less compared to the times when we refuse to wait for the right timing and takie things into our own hands.
To finish off, whilst waiting at the LAST traffic light at my office, I was so tempted to cross the road as I normally do.... jay walk! And once again, the Holy Spirit asked me, “What’s the hurry? You are almost at your destination.” And I was like, “Yeah... its just across the road. I see no point in waiting! I just missed the lights. Its a whole 2 mins wait.”
My heart quickened with impatience as I waited at the lights. And I argued with the Holy Spirit, “What’s the difference of waiting and jay walking? My heart beats fast too as I jay walk.”
And He replied, “As you wait at the lights, although your heart is beating faster cos of your impatience, you are safe. You are not at risk of getting hurt.” As I paused and thought about it, He added, “I have promised you that I will fulfil My promises made to you. And it is within sight, yet you are feeling impatient about it. Why do you not want to trust Me?”
Yes... why do I not trust God?
Why do I want to take on the stress and worry and anxiety that was not mine to bear?
Do I not believe that God IS sovereign?
John Maxwell said we will never have 2 consecutive good days as leaders, cos we deal with humans!
I guess man (as in humans) have hurt me much before and cos God had allowed it to happen, I do not trust that He has the capacity to keep me safe!
But He HAS promised that He would be my Protector if I would rest in Him.
I don’t think there’s anywhere in the bible that said that we will not have trials and challenges, but God definitely promised that when we do face trials and challenges, He WILL take us out of it and deliver us. And He has. Many times!
In all honesty, IF I believed in God’s sovereignty and TRUST that He is in control, life would be much easier.
รจ I wont be anxious about anything – No worries if my friends are doing better than I; if they were more successful or if they were enjoying life more than I was, or getting more out of life! There will be no comparison. Cos I would know that God knows best for me and my life is different to all and unique and special.
=> I wont worry about being taken for a ride or have to protect myself and my reputation cos God protects me. I don’t have to worry if i am not included in the most exciting campaign or social group or if someone holds a grudge against me and will slander me. If He placed me where I am at, He will keep me there. I don’t have to work hard at keeping my position!
=> I don’t have to worry if i will ever get my desires fulfilled – I can rest and know that God has a mate for me and I don’t have to try to impress anyone to tell/show them that I am good enough and worth their time/risk!
=> I get to life and the gifts and talents that He has given me! I also get to be a blessing to others! How awesome!
Sounds easy and it definitely is WHEN I place my trust in God.
I just love how God uses the little things in my life to daily remind me of His character/principles and His love for me!
He is Awesome!
Yes... Mr Traffic Light taught me a couple of lessons today.
I am 2 minds about sharing this cos i have come to realise that some lessons that i learn, are JUST for me and not meant to be shared. And when I do share it, most do not understand it! :(
But what the heck... at least this would be a good reminder for me :D
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was blessed to stay over at a friend’s place at Pyrmont these few couple of nights while Hillsong Conference was being held at the Sydney Entertainment centre.
This allowed me the luxury of waking up at the same time, yet able to use my time differently for other things. One of which was to take a nice lovely stroll from his place to Clarence street bus stop.
God used the walk and Mr Traffic Light to remind me of a couple of things and some new ones too.
As I took my walk today, I was reminded that I often went ahead to do things my way, thinking they are best for me and the quickest way to get to my destination. I thought I knew best but I have been shown that I was wrong... many times...
- I remember the time when I jay walked (ran) across the road cos I had missed my traffic light and was wanting to catch my bus which I saw was approaching; only to be stuck in the middle of the road amidst fierce oncoming traffic!
Not only did I miss my bus, but I put myself right in the middle of danger! How useful could that have been?! And how much quicker did I get to my destination?! Errr... I didn’t!!
Lol
I made a conscious effort to wait at the traffic lights, since God was showing me things.
As I did that, the Holy Spirit gently probed me, “My daughter, why do you like taking such unnecessary risks?” “Why are you in such a hurry?” “Dont you trust me?”
To which I replied, “hmmm .... I wanted to get to my destination faster? I want to be faster than the rest of my peers? I DO trust You.... but I thought I would help by moving a little quicker!”
Now... at this point, you would probably think I was silly to even think this way, but unfortunately, that was how I was programmed to think. Yes, yes... blame my past. And I am really making a conscious effort to stop and wait and be patient.
The Holy Spirit pressed on, “Do you REALLY get to your destination faster? Are you better off because you are further ahead of your peers – in career, experience, life, etc? And are you REALLY trusting me by trying to help Me?!”
Well... the answer is obvious already aint it? You know it, and so did I. But how often do we still go ahead to do what we know is not what God wants for us? Just because...
At this moment, I saw a guy jay walk across the traffic light. There was no on-coming traffic and all seemed fine. And I said, “See that guy is getting across the road faster than the rest of us waiting at the traffic light!”
Halfway through, the man changed green in color and the rest of us could cross the road as well. That guy got across the road not more than a few seconds faster than the rest of us.
But at what risks? At what costs?
What IF a reckless driver in a rush to his destination sped round the corner?
What IF there was a car that was turning but went unnoticed by the guy?
That would probably have cost him his life, if not, some serious injury, amidst some of the lesser evil, such as getting in the way of others who had the right of way!
Very often, we do not wait for God’s timing, but try to take things into our own hands. No doubt we get to where we want to go and we get what we want, most times. However, at what expense?
Just like that guy crossing the road, we take the risk of getting into trouble that could have been avoided.
No doubt there might be reckless drivers trying to rush to their destinations and make a turn and crash into us. Well, we live with human beings right? Not all of us are obedient are we? Not even those of us who have a relationship with Christ are obedient, least to say those who are not?!
BUT the risks we run, crossing at the right times, will be much less compared to the times when we refuse to wait for the right timing and takie things into our own hands.
To finish off, whilst waiting at the LAST traffic light at my office, I was so tempted to cross the road as I normally do.... jay walk! And once again, the Holy Spirit asked me, “What’s the hurry? You are almost at your destination.” And I was like, “Yeah... its just across the road. I see no point in waiting! I just missed the lights. Its a whole 2 mins wait.”
My heart quickened with impatience as I waited at the lights. And I argued with the Holy Spirit, “What’s the difference of waiting and jay walking? My heart beats fast too as I jay walk.”
And He replied, “As you wait at the lights, although your heart is beating faster cos of your impatience, you are safe. You are not at risk of getting hurt.” As I paused and thought about it, He added, “I have promised you that I will fulfil My promises made to you. And it is within sight, yet you are feeling impatient about it. Why do you not want to trust Me?”
Yes... why do I not trust God?
Why do I want to take on the stress and worry and anxiety that was not mine to bear?
Do I not believe that God IS sovereign?
John Maxwell said we will never have 2 consecutive good days as leaders, cos we deal with humans!
I guess man (as in humans) have hurt me much before and cos God had allowed it to happen, I do not trust that He has the capacity to keep me safe!
But He HAS promised that He would be my Protector if I would rest in Him.
I don’t think there’s anywhere in the bible that said that we will not have trials and challenges, but God definitely promised that when we do face trials and challenges, He WILL take us out of it and deliver us. And He has. Many times!
In all honesty, IF I believed in God’s sovereignty and TRUST that He is in control, life would be much easier.
รจ I wont be anxious about anything – No worries if my friends are doing better than I; if they were more successful or if they were enjoying life more than I was, or getting more out of life! There will be no comparison. Cos I would know that God knows best for me and my life is different to all and unique and special.
=> I wont worry about being taken for a ride or have to protect myself and my reputation cos God protects me. I don’t have to worry if i am not included in the most exciting campaign or social group or if someone holds a grudge against me and will slander me. If He placed me where I am at, He will keep me there. I don’t have to work hard at keeping my position!
=> I don’t have to worry if i will ever get my desires fulfilled – I can rest and know that God has a mate for me and I don’t have to try to impress anyone to tell/show them that I am good enough and worth their time/risk!
=> I get to life and the gifts and talents that He has given me! I also get to be a blessing to others! How awesome!
Sounds easy and it definitely is WHEN I place my trust in God.
I just love how God uses the little things in my life to daily remind me of His character/principles and His love for me!
He is Awesome!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
5 July 2011 - Peace
Slowly but surely, I know I am getting some Peace and holding on to the Shalom Peace that Jesus left me.
If the guy is for me, I dont have to impress him and let him know how good I am and what talents I have. He will be able to see it.
I will also not have to worry if age is an issue or not. Cos he will look to the supernatural and not the natural, guided by the Holy Spirit. He will have the Peace of Christ too.
This way, I can be me.
I just want to learn the songs I want to learn.
I just want to be able to speak the language I want to speak.
And I want to do the things I want to do.
The session this arvo was nice. Would be nice to see if I can get to chat with Daddy daily.
Had been looking for a "formula" which would help me get closer and more intimate with God.
Realised there is none.
Joyce Meyer takes a few hours each morning. So does her daughters.
John just needs to have a couple of minutes with Daddy God on his way to work or church.
I seem to have to constantly fill myself with His word. Day in, day out.
And it just never seems enough!
Time spent on the train listening or reading His word and listening to sermons or talking to Him during my walk to the station or even on the train ride just doesnt seem enough. A chat in the arvo during lunch seems to do well enough, but on its own, it is insufficient too.
And a quiet, simple time sitting by the waters just by myself seem to be a luxury too. But it all adds up.
So perhaps I will start doing more of it.
Even if it is dark, just a few minutes by the water with my Daddy will be good. Just as is an hour during lunch to play His songs and speak to Him.
I know I am now at Peace. And I hope that this peace stays.
I do not like and do not wish to be troubled by it.
A distant memory of how Sean behaves at TV reminds me of myself. I'm sure I was oblivious to it and didnt think anything wrong of it.But it is so apparent that he has so much pride. And so did I. And there is nothing I can say/do about it. It is not my journey. If I had the opportunity, I would speak with him, but I dont. And I refuse to have a presumptuous attitude.
Vonny's actions sure hurt. But God still loves even when we make choices that hurts Him. And I will practice to love all people, even when they hurt me.
Its funny how what I want and what I do, how I react is all different.
I definitely did not react well to Julian this morning when he stuffed up and caused the client to get upset. And neither did I react well to Beverley when she insisted the guy was just doing his job and didnt do anything wrong. I know that he was in the wrong. And it was really God's grace that he turned around and made things right.
Praise God.
If the guy is for me, I dont have to impress him and let him know how good I am and what talents I have. He will be able to see it.
I will also not have to worry if age is an issue or not. Cos he will look to the supernatural and not the natural, guided by the Holy Spirit. He will have the Peace of Christ too.
This way, I can be me.
I just want to learn the songs I want to learn.
I just want to be able to speak the language I want to speak.
And I want to do the things I want to do.
The session this arvo was nice. Would be nice to see if I can get to chat with Daddy daily.
Had been looking for a "formula" which would help me get closer and more intimate with God.
Realised there is none.
Joyce Meyer takes a few hours each morning. So does her daughters.
John just needs to have a couple of minutes with Daddy God on his way to work or church.
I seem to have to constantly fill myself with His word. Day in, day out.
And it just never seems enough!
Time spent on the train listening or reading His word and listening to sermons or talking to Him during my walk to the station or even on the train ride just doesnt seem enough. A chat in the arvo during lunch seems to do well enough, but on its own, it is insufficient too.
And a quiet, simple time sitting by the waters just by myself seem to be a luxury too. But it all adds up.
So perhaps I will start doing more of it.
Even if it is dark, just a few minutes by the water with my Daddy will be good. Just as is an hour during lunch to play His songs and speak to Him.
I know I am now at Peace. And I hope that this peace stays.
I do not like and do not wish to be troubled by it.
A distant memory of how Sean behaves at TV reminds me of myself. I'm sure I was oblivious to it and didnt think anything wrong of it.But it is so apparent that he has so much pride. And so did I. And there is nothing I can say/do about it. It is not my journey. If I had the opportunity, I would speak with him, but I dont. And I refuse to have a presumptuous attitude.
Vonny's actions sure hurt. But God still loves even when we make choices that hurts Him. And I will practice to love all people, even when they hurt me.
Its funny how what I want and what I do, how I react is all different.
I definitely did not react well to Julian this morning when he stuffed up and caused the client to get upset. And neither did I react well to Beverley when she insisted the guy was just doing his job and didnt do anything wrong. I know that he was in the wrong. And it was really God's grace that he turned around and made things right.
Praise God.
Monday, July 4, 2011
4 July 2011 - Peace
I cant believe how many times I have blogged for today.
But having cried out to God, placed my cares at His feet and walked away from my wilful desires, He has filled me with His Peace.
He has also led me to be filled with knowledge.
http://www.bible.com/bibleanswers_result.php?id=149
I was led to read the article when I searched for what God said about women. And it has greatly encouraged me. When I place EVERYTHING at God's feet and have Him help me choose and BELIEVE and TRUST that He WILL and HAS chosen for me, and all I have to do is to WAIT PATIENTLY for His right time, it will all be well.
To the unbeliever, that sounds ridiculous. And to one (like me) who is struggling to fill her heart's desire and her life with meaning, and having failed so many times, its almost impossible.
But I know God has not forgotten me. In fact He has frequently encouraged me. Comforted me. And Assured me that He is still here and has not forgotten me.
There are many things I struggle with, but over time, God helps to overcome them. He has in fact made me an overcomer and a conqueror. So I will strive to live my life from victorious grounds.
Extra reading for the women out there. :)
http://bible.org/seriespage/chapter-2-women-designed-god
But having cried out to God, placed my cares at His feet and walked away from my wilful desires, He has filled me with His Peace.
He has also led me to be filled with knowledge.
http://www.bible.com/bibleanswers_result.php?id=149
I was led to read the article when I searched for what God said about women. And it has greatly encouraged me. When I place EVERYTHING at God's feet and have Him help me choose and BELIEVE and TRUST that He WILL and HAS chosen for me, and all I have to do is to WAIT PATIENTLY for His right time, it will all be well.
To the unbeliever, that sounds ridiculous. And to one (like me) who is struggling to fill her heart's desire and her life with meaning, and having failed so many times, its almost impossible.
But I know God has not forgotten me. In fact He has frequently encouraged me. Comforted me. And Assured me that He is still here and has not forgotten me.
There are many things I struggle with, but over time, God helps to overcome them. He has in fact made me an overcomer and a conqueror. So I will strive to live my life from victorious grounds.
Extra reading for the women out there. :)
http://bible.org/seriespage/chapter-2-women-designed-god
4 July 2011 - God's grace is more than enough for me
Looking at my past, I feel like a vase, once beautiful and precious, but broken and shattered through mishandling and mishaps. Glued back together roughly with all the edges sticking out and cutting all who touches it. It looks ugly. It is dangerous. It can cause hurt and pain to all who touch it and tries to handle it. Thus no one wants it.
My past feels that way, looks that way. And I feel that way.
But thank God for His grace, that by the blood of Jesus, I have been made whole.
The vase is once more perfect and pretty. It is now covered by the blood of Christ, made perfect through His sacrifice. Nothing in my past can hold me back. Nothing in my past can stop God from doing the great work He has and is doing in my life. Nothing in my past, present or future can stop the plans that God has for me to unfold.
God is gracious. God is love and God loves me.
I praise God for all that He has done in my life!
Lord, give me a deeper revelation of Your love and the perfection of Christ Jesus!
My past feels that way, looks that way. And I feel that way.
But thank God for His grace, that by the blood of Jesus, I have been made whole.
The vase is once more perfect and pretty. It is now covered by the blood of Christ, made perfect through His sacrifice. Nothing in my past can hold me back. Nothing in my past can stop God from doing the great work He has and is doing in my life. Nothing in my past, present or future can stop the plans that God has for me to unfold.
God is gracious. God is love and God loves me.
I praise God for all that He has done in my life!
Lord, give me a deeper revelation of Your love and the perfection of Christ Jesus!
4 July 2011 - Wrong one
I seem to have no luck with men. The ones I end up with are not good for me and have issues.
The ones I like and are of good quality does not seem to be attracted to me.
Feel so sad. So defeated. Feels so hopeless cos there's nothing I can do about my situation. i have done everything I can so that I am more appealing. but it just doesnt seem to be enough.
If not for God I would really be defeated. At least I know that this is but a feeling and that God has overcome, so I dont have to worry about anything.
Its hard... cos I cant see the solution that Christ has already prepared for me. And though i KNOW that God has already prepared the solution for me and it is waiting for the right time, cos I cant see it, it causes pain. Which is not supposed to be. Cos if I had full trust in God, this feeling would not even come upon me.
I will praise God regardless of what I see!
I will trust God cos He loves me!
I will trust God that He has the best for me!
I will trust God for the person He has prepared for me. Not what I think is best.
I will let go.
He is not for me. I will let go.
The ones I like and are of good quality does not seem to be attracted to me.
Feel so sad. So defeated. Feels so hopeless cos there's nothing I can do about my situation. i have done everything I can so that I am more appealing. but it just doesnt seem to be enough.
If not for God I would really be defeated. At least I know that this is but a feeling and that God has overcome, so I dont have to worry about anything.
Its hard... cos I cant see the solution that Christ has already prepared for me. And though i KNOW that God has already prepared the solution for me and it is waiting for the right time, cos I cant see it, it causes pain. Which is not supposed to be. Cos if I had full trust in God, this feeling would not even come upon me.
I will praise God regardless of what I see!
I will trust God cos He loves me!
I will trust God that He has the best for me!
I will trust God for the person He has prepared for me. Not what I think is best.
I will let go.
He is not for me. I will let go.
4 July 2011 - Teenager
I am already 35 yet I behave like a teenager.
I so wanted to play the playground and go crazy and jumping around, but cos M & S were just so NOT into it, I was afraid to play even though J was. I know I missed an opportunity. Cos there are not many who would encourage me to do it as J did.
anyways, for whatever reasons, I was just hyper that day.
In addition, the feelings I have causes me to feel like a teenager. Its been such a long time since I have had such a huge crush on someone. I cant remember how it was like. Perhaps it was just as painful but its been a long while. Cos most of the time I had my affections returned.
also, i guess the ones i had crush on did not spend the time they did with me so the feelings never grew.
i'm rambling... and i have no one else to speak with other than God.
i am just so lost now. 9 out of 10 times, I just want to keep my mouth shut. Dont wana "educate" anyone cos i dont want to have a pressumptious attitude.. and dont wana complain cos dont wana be like the israelites.
i feel like i have no one to turn to. i have no family to turn to. they do not know what i am going through and have no means to help even if they knew. and same with friends. they can just be there, but they can never know what i am going through.
i so want to just spend the day with God. me and my guitar, see what other new songs i can play.
perhaps that is escaping. i dont know.
help me lord...
may your will be done not mine.
I so wanted to play the playground and go crazy and jumping around, but cos M & S were just so NOT into it, I was afraid to play even though J was. I know I missed an opportunity. Cos there are not many who would encourage me to do it as J did.
anyways, for whatever reasons, I was just hyper that day.
In addition, the feelings I have causes me to feel like a teenager. Its been such a long time since I have had such a huge crush on someone. I cant remember how it was like. Perhaps it was just as painful but its been a long while. Cos most of the time I had my affections returned.
also, i guess the ones i had crush on did not spend the time they did with me so the feelings never grew.
i'm rambling... and i have no one else to speak with other than God.
i am just so lost now. 9 out of 10 times, I just want to keep my mouth shut. Dont wana "educate" anyone cos i dont want to have a pressumptious attitude.. and dont wana complain cos dont wana be like the israelites.
i feel like i have no one to turn to. i have no family to turn to. they do not know what i am going through and have no means to help even if they knew. and same with friends. they can just be there, but they can never know what i am going through.
i so want to just spend the day with God. me and my guitar, see what other new songs i can play.
perhaps that is escaping. i dont know.
help me lord...
may your will be done not mine.
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