24 July 2011 - Surrounded yet alone

I am surrounded by many whom I call my friends. Just had an awesome conversation with one whom I consider my closest. And celebrated the birthday of a friend and called 2 others my closest friends...

Yet I feel so lonely. Seems like no one can understand what I am feeling. Even I cant understand this emptiness that I am feeling. This hollowness, this pain.

John's always been the encourager. To be able to play a part to encourage him today, was awesome. Nonetheless, I didnt get the response that I hoped.

Perhaps I said too much as always. That only means he is not the one. Cos I know that Daddy would give the one the grace to deal with my weaknesses. So if I do say too much n end up nagging, the person would be able to bear with it and if it were a nuisance, God will lead me to change. Holy Spirit will guide me.

I wish he was not going to B's birthday. Cos now I would really be conscious.

I dont know why I am attracted to him. I know I am attracted to pretty things. I need to stop. This is not from God. God is not a God of confusion. It is most definitely my flesh trying to manipulate me to get its way. Sorrow is not from God. Pain is not from God. And I refuse to put up with it.

Anyways, its time to back off. John is a nice guy, but I think with what I most probably might do next, he is going to disappear and i'll lose the best teacher I ever had. I dont know which is worse. Knowing the truth which I am yearning to find out, or losing a great teacher. I supposed the latter.

I do not want to become like Ed, whinging and manipulative. Best I learn to back off and let go. So I will not take the next step and ask the ridiculous. I know it has not happened and I do not know what the answer might be, but I guess its like what Minah says... we gals have a sense - a 6th sense if you can call it that.

My job is done for the day. The rest is God's. I played the messenger. Now time to rest.

I pray that God continue giving me the strength to persevere in trusting in Him and leaning on Him to keep His promise to fulfil my heart's desire. I know that God's plans for me involves someone. Whom I dont know. And though it seems bleak, I know that God is at work and when God is at work, miracles happen. My trust is in the Lord and not what I see.

Thank you for the strength.