24 Dec 2012 - End of 2012

I used to take everything to Facebook, but I guess the time has come to just stop posting there. Its become a kind of addiction, an idol. Its been bit more than 1 year since i posted. And many things have happened. Obviously I no longer want to be back with Toulia. He means nothing to me now. Wow.. its taken 2 years for that to happen. Dont know if its good or not. Just know that where I am with him now is good. Wish I could say the same with some others. In just 1 year, too many things have happened. Its just not right. Its not good, yet it happened. I know that David is wrong for me. But cos of what happened, it makes it heaps difficult to just let it go. Trust in the Father. That's what is lacking. I WANT to know what my future is like. I can't bear NOT to know. That's what causing me grief. Its that need for control and I know that it is not good. I guess this is training time. I know that He has been training me in that area for providence just cos of how things have been happening with the Rhodes rental place. But relationships had always been a hard one to let go. And the last time I did, I stuffed it up with Toulia. Not keen to do it again. Yet I HAVE messed up again with someone else. Sigh... Mel asked what I want from them both - My first reaction is I dont know. But that's not it. I know what I want, but there are a few things in the way of me saying what I want. 1. I am afraid that it is not possible. 2. It shows my vulnerability. 3. It shows my stupidity. I want one of them to love me, to want me, to desire me, to want to be with me. And want all of that enough to take action!! I know that being a non-christian, he is a no-go. Yet I can see how I am being stubborn. I want intimacy Daddy.... yet I dont know what that is, what that means. I know it only from how I have seen it in the movies. I didnt even have parents who modeled intimacy for me. All I have known is sex and willingness to spend time with me, do things with and for me, sacrifice. Willingness to share - things and his life. That's intimacy the world taught me. But I'm pretty sure its way more than that! sigh... Daddy... what do I do? Help me! Worse thing is I KNOW what that night means for him - based on how he has responded and the things he has said so far. He is not a very direct person. And that's the worse thing I guess... I want more! And I feel so guilty. Perhaps cos I was liking someone else before this. And just cos I was angry, I've thrown everything away. I was reacting passive aggressive without even knowing it. Lord, I really need you to break this chain of bad habits, bad attitudes. I need to stop hurting people and more importantly, I need to stop hurting myself. I need to be more loving and forgiving toward myself. I cant forget the touch of his hands on my waist. And being in his arms sleeping, with his fingers inter-twined with mine. And how he would pull me closer whilst we were sleeping. Yet he said he cant remember anything that happened that night. That hurts. It really sucks. I dont know what to make of it. I wish I can process all these negative emotions better and respond better. ARGH!!