27 Dec 2012

Daddy, Need help. Cant stop thinking about what happened and wanting more. Everyone's words are just getting into my head. I cant hear what You have to say. Disappointment, fear, desire, lust.... they are what's filling my head and I cant hear from you. :( I am so desperately trying to fill my time and an emptiness/unfulfilled purpose. I need direction. Need to know my purpose here on this earth. Daddy, all I want is to be with someone. Is that too difficult? There is so much going on that I cannot think. I really dont want to work. I am struggling Daddy. Is it just cos of the festive season? Or too much that has been piled up that I cannot finished, but i'm expected to? I feel overwhelmed. Or is it cos nothing can start with both the guys I like? Till now, I am still harping on it. Help me let go already will ya? Daddy.... I want Your will for me. I want Your choice for me. You know best. Help me to surrender it all to You please. To surrender to Your timing, Your choice, Your protection. Help me to trust You and to be able to give You thanks. Help me to live the way that You want me to. I really want to forget about David Lord. Mainly cos I believe that he is not interested in a relationship with me. I wish I can ask you to help me forget him cos I believe that he is not right for me. But that's not the case. I'm so sorry. I wish I was more obedient, not so rebellious. But that's how I'm thinking/desiring. Help me Lord. Help me to listen to You and to do what You want me to do! And take me out of confusion Lord. My liking for him came about only after what Cecilia said - that he is willing to go out with me, and that she thinks he might be interested in me. And all the comments that people have when they see our interaction. I didnt think too much of it. Cos of everything that they've said, I am confused. Cos he says he is not interested. And he held his distance. And suddenly just before he leaves, he gets so familiar with me again. What was he thinking when he hugged me from the back?! Its ridiculous. That's so intimate. Gals do that to gals. Not guys to gals. Guys normally dont do that unless they are brothers and sisters or boyfriend and girlfriend or husband and wife! I dont know what to do Daddy. I'm here waiting for a message or something from him. Not knowing what he meant when he said he wanted to text me on facebook. Hoping it might be more than just texting me to check on the house, as I had suggested. Yet not really knowing what he meant. Am I passive-aggressive Daddy? Do I just lash out cos I have unresolved issues? Why do I think of them two? Why cant I be happy where I am at? Daddy You know that I am lonely. And it tears at my heart. And I really want someone. Are You really going to make me wait much longer? Daddy, can You show me please? Show me what it is that You want from me and what I am to do. Help me Lord. I have difficulty being honest even to myself. I dont know what is wrong. I cant even admit what I really want. I make up stuff. I am just so confused! Help me Lord.