Life is currently peaceful. Yet there's this sadness that keeps coming back. Each time I tink of my past there's still a tenderness there.
Wished that things had worked out with Toulia. People say that if a person loved another enough they would work things out. I wish that he would love me enough to come back. But that would mean that a sister would be hurt cos he didn't love her enough to stay with her.
So much for selfishness. I'm torn. But my real desire is that he would come back. Not sure if it's a good idea to wish for that. Regardless, his choice does not mean that I am any less valuable or any less loved.
I have grown heaps and leaned much. Yet I do sometimes look back and wish that I had followed the path of Christ earlier. That I was more surrounded by Christian leaders earlier. But I can't change the past. I can only look forward to God's promises for me. I can only look to and trust in His love for me.
There are days when I dont wish to do anything. Just want to spend time listening to sings praising Him, reading more about Him and getting to know Him better. I don't want to just know about God. I want to have my personal encounter with Him, to know Him intimately. And I don't know where I am at now.
Sometimes I feel His presence and closeness. Sometimes I feel like my knowledge of Him is only in my head and I am doing things to earn His approval.
I know God loves me so much that He gave His only son. So even if I do nothing He still would love me and protect me. Even if u don't serve Him He will still love me. It's not what I do that earned me His love. He loved me even before I even existed. Before I was even created He already loved me and had great plans for me. He had great things lined up for me. To do, to experience and to enjoy.
Just this sense of knowing how much God loves me causes me to want to know Him more. To want to spend time with Him more. Yet I struggle with what that looks like.
How Daddy how?
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
7 Sept 2011 - Revelation
As I prayed for a greater revelation of God and His love for me, a thought dropped into my mind and heart.
I often complain of not having enough time to spend with God, to do my bible readings and learn more about him.
The thought that came was that if I was struggling to find time to spend with Him meant that I was not placing God first. If He was first, I wouldn't need to find time to spend with Him.
My priorities were wrong. I prioritized my time to serve Him as time with god but that is not what God wants. I'm sure He would rather that I spend time with Him than to serve. Sure! He would love for me to love His people and serve. But He would want me to Himself first.
The other thing I struggle with is time to exercise. So I guess I need to prioritize what's important to me.
They would be
God
Exercise- health
Finances- make sure everything is paid on time
People- family then friends
Ministry- what i tink God wants me to do
Now that that is sorted, it's putting it into action to ensure that when I struggle for time next, the following order would be accomplished.
Thank God for this revelation. Holy spirit help me to put this into action.
Amen!
I often complain of not having enough time to spend with God, to do my bible readings and learn more about him.
The thought that came was that if I was struggling to find time to spend with Him meant that I was not placing God first. If He was first, I wouldn't need to find time to spend with Him.
My priorities were wrong. I prioritized my time to serve Him as time with god but that is not what God wants. I'm sure He would rather that I spend time with Him than to serve. Sure! He would love for me to love His people and serve. But He would want me to Himself first.
The other thing I struggle with is time to exercise. So I guess I need to prioritize what's important to me.
They would be
God
Exercise- health
Finances- make sure everything is paid on time
People- family then friends
Ministry- what i tink God wants me to do
Now that that is sorted, it's putting it into action to ensure that when I struggle for time next, the following order would be accomplished.
Thank God for this revelation. Holy spirit help me to put this into action.
Amen!
Friday, August 26, 2011
26 Aug 2010 - Fireproof
Loved the story. Started out bit boring. But as the story progresses, I could not stop crying. Lept thinking about him too. Wished that my story could be the same as Catherine. That he would turn back and realise the mistake he made.
That made me realise that I still loved him. The memory of him walking away, giving up, cos he felt like things were too difficult, and deciding to be with her; it all hurts. And though i wish that he would see the err of his ways, it wont make a difference now, cos if he does see the err of his way now, then he would put in effort in his current relationship and make it right. That would be what a good man will do and that is what I would like him to do. Do the right thing.
Oh how my heart aches. It aches to be in the arms of someone. It aches to be loved, to be led by a strong man. A man after God's heart. But I dont know when my time is. I thank God that He has not forgotten me. That He has good plans for me. That He loves me. That He gave His one and only beloved son for me.
Interruptible.
I realised that for whatever reasons, I did not allow myself to be interruptible over the last few days. And had the Holy Spirit remind me in the bath early one morning. The amazing thing was how He also caused a sista to remember the same thing, but with regards to an incident more than 1 year ago.
Almost cried my eyes out. I didnt realise how much I had longed to be acknowledged. I wished he knew. I wished .....
I wished my heart can be known. That many will realise.
I cant do this alone. If not for God... If not for Jesus...
Singlehood...
Learning to embrace it. Still dont feel like a 35. Still feel like a 25.
Did time stop for me? In some ways I guess. I am learning all the things that a 25 would learn physically, mentally and probably emotionally too... hmmm not sure if that was a plus or not.
Still struggling with issues of selfishness.
Daddy... JOhn says that I do not share. How can I share such things?
I do not want human acknowledgement. This is a heart issue. Only you can deal with. Yes encouragement helps. Support helps. But no... no one can solve my issue of selfishness. Only You can. Only the revelation of how much I have been loved and forgiven can solve the issue. And it is still WIP. :(
I do not want to rely on others. I want to rely on You Daddy.
Yet You use people. It is such a contradiction. I do not know how to balance it.
Help me!
Let my life honour You Lord!
The thins that I say, the things that I do, the things that I think... let them honour You Lord. Keep my heart pure and clean.
Thank you for the cleansing by the blood of Christ.
Thank You God!
That made me realise that I still loved him. The memory of him walking away, giving up, cos he felt like things were too difficult, and deciding to be with her; it all hurts. And though i wish that he would see the err of his ways, it wont make a difference now, cos if he does see the err of his way now, then he would put in effort in his current relationship and make it right. That would be what a good man will do and that is what I would like him to do. Do the right thing.
Oh how my heart aches. It aches to be in the arms of someone. It aches to be loved, to be led by a strong man. A man after God's heart. But I dont know when my time is. I thank God that He has not forgotten me. That He has good plans for me. That He loves me. That He gave His one and only beloved son for me.
Interruptible.
I realised that for whatever reasons, I did not allow myself to be interruptible over the last few days. And had the Holy Spirit remind me in the bath early one morning. The amazing thing was how He also caused a sista to remember the same thing, but with regards to an incident more than 1 year ago.
Almost cried my eyes out. I didnt realise how much I had longed to be acknowledged. I wished he knew. I wished .....
I wished my heart can be known. That many will realise.
I cant do this alone. If not for God... If not for Jesus...
Singlehood...
Learning to embrace it. Still dont feel like a 35. Still feel like a 25.
Did time stop for me? In some ways I guess. I am learning all the things that a 25 would learn physically, mentally and probably emotionally too... hmmm not sure if that was a plus or not.
Still struggling with issues of selfishness.
Daddy... JOhn says that I do not share. How can I share such things?
I do not want human acknowledgement. This is a heart issue. Only you can deal with. Yes encouragement helps. Support helps. But no... no one can solve my issue of selfishness. Only You can. Only the revelation of how much I have been loved and forgiven can solve the issue. And it is still WIP. :(
I do not want to rely on others. I want to rely on You Daddy.
Yet You use people. It is such a contradiction. I do not know how to balance it.
Help me!
Let my life honour You Lord!
The thins that I say, the things that I do, the things that I think... let them honour You Lord. Keep my heart pure and clean.
Thank you for the cleansing by the blood of Christ.
Thank You God!
Monday, August 8, 2011
8 Aug 2011 - Hope renewed
Its not the easiest...
But it is not impossible.
With God, anything is possible.
It is disappointing that the attraction is not mutual. But it will not be the death of me. Instead, it is an encouragement.
If there are men like john around, then it gives more hope in God’s promise that my heart’s desire will be fulfilled – and that is to have a husband and children.
And John will be the benchmark. Hopefully I get to meet the person soon. John shall be the brother that I never had who can “vet” and watch out for me.
No doubt he is younger than I am, but he is more mature spiritually than I am and can definitely recognise a man of God with good character than I can.
So Praise God for the blessing that he is in my life!
But it is not impossible.
With God, anything is possible.
It is disappointing that the attraction is not mutual. But it will not be the death of me. Instead, it is an encouragement.
If there are men like john around, then it gives more hope in God’s promise that my heart’s desire will be fulfilled – and that is to have a husband and children.
And John will be the benchmark. Hopefully I get to meet the person soon. John shall be the brother that I never had who can “vet” and watch out for me.
No doubt he is younger than I am, but he is more mature spiritually than I am and can definitely recognise a man of God with good character than I can.
So Praise God for the blessing that he is in my life!
Friday, July 22, 2011
22 July 2011 - A new lesson => Pride
I so don’t feel like working.
I really don’t know why.
I love my work. I love what i do. So what’s the problem now?
Is there even a problem?
Sigh.. I wished I knew.
Well, regardless of how I feel, I need to do what is right. And that is making good use of my working time to do work work.
Meanwhile, better get all the documents ready for my tax returns. I need to get the money over asap.
There seems to be heaps of stuff coming up that’s due for payment and its scarying me.
Sigh...
I am grateful that God loves me. I am thankful that I am protected by His love and favour. That I righteous and He keeps teaching me things.
Sometimes I feel awful cos I feel like an idiot, cos I seem to be learning about things that most have learnt when they were younger.
Thank goodness my Daddy God is a loving, patient Father.
I was feeling extremely miserable with the prospect of not having my favour returned.
From all the questions and thoughts, I believe the Holy Spirit showed me the issues I had.
I was taught to despise ugly people.
So when someone I did not fancy fancied me, especially if he was not good looking, I would get disgusted.
And I guess when I do not have my feelings returned, I put myself through the same horrible judgment even though that is not what the person thinks.
And then I feel horrible and rejected and unloved and unaccepted.
I forget that THAT is but 1 person. And that God has the right person for me. Someone who will love me, accept me, is supportive and encouraging so that I can live out the potential that God has planted in me; make full use of my gifts.
How and when did I get so haughty that I think I am above all others?
It saddens me. And it fears me to think what other sins I have committed that I am unaware of! It is so easy to fall prey to the devil’s schemes.
Thank God He left me My Guide and Leader, to keep me safe and within the boundaries of His word.
I pray that He humbles me and keeps me lowly at His feet. I am no one without Him. All that I have – favour, blessings, possessions, they are all from Him. I did nothing to gain any of it.
Thank You God!
I thought that J was the one, but now I don’t think so. I think he is way too young to like someone so much older. Of cos I wish it was otherwise and only God knows what is. And for whatever reasons I was attracted to him, I guess and hope that it will pass in time to come. I’m sure (although I had hoped not) that he takes me as a younger sister (I don’t say older cos I don’t look it) and he is just being really kind. I’m sure he will make a great husband and father. And I pray that he will find someone. No. I KNOW that he will have someone, cos God already has the person planned. Its just a matter of time. If he is ready, then perhaps the other person is just not ready and that is why. And its the same for me. Either I am not ready or the person God has in mind is not ready. But I know that I WILL have someone to journey life with, to enjoy this life that God created, to create and leave a legacy. And I refuse to be anxious. And I know that the time is soon. I don’t know when, and it can seem like forever, but I know it is soon. I am excited.
We are to work together for the benefit of each other and pursue God’s kingdom... bring it up a higher level together.
I am excited at the thoughts of it.
And I refuse to let this little thought become a mountain. I AM worthy. I AM beautiful. And I will stop saying negative things about myself. I know it is a way to get compliments. And I know that I have been testing him to see if i can get positive encouragement from him or not. Time to back off. Time to leave him alone. Time to let him have his own time and do his own stuff. My compliments are to come from God. God’s words are to matter more. I should be seeking reassurance from God, not someone else. It has been nice to receive those compliments from him, but he is not my world. God is. So I will place the weight on God’s words.
Thank you Lord for sending someone to help me grow and nurture the gifts that You have placed in me.
Not just the gift of music but also of singing, of confidence, of leading. You have made room for the person you called me to be to grow and blossom.
Thank You Daddy! Thank You for loving me.
Holy spirit, help me to remember this all the days of my life. My worth comes from God, not what people say about me. And I know how easy it is to be sucked in and let what someone thinks of me to override all I know about God and what God says about me. Keep me within the boundaries of God’s words. Thank You!
I really don’t know why.
I love my work. I love what i do. So what’s the problem now?
Is there even a problem?
Sigh.. I wished I knew.
Well, regardless of how I feel, I need to do what is right. And that is making good use of my working time to do work work.
Meanwhile, better get all the documents ready for my tax returns. I need to get the money over asap.
There seems to be heaps of stuff coming up that’s due for payment and its scarying me.
Sigh...
I am grateful that God loves me. I am thankful that I am protected by His love and favour. That I righteous and He keeps teaching me things.
Sometimes I feel awful cos I feel like an idiot, cos I seem to be learning about things that most have learnt when they were younger.
Thank goodness my Daddy God is a loving, patient Father.
I was feeling extremely miserable with the prospect of not having my favour returned.
From all the questions and thoughts, I believe the Holy Spirit showed me the issues I had.
I was taught to despise ugly people.
So when someone I did not fancy fancied me, especially if he was not good looking, I would get disgusted.
And I guess when I do not have my feelings returned, I put myself through the same horrible judgment even though that is not what the person thinks.
And then I feel horrible and rejected and unloved and unaccepted.
I forget that THAT is but 1 person. And that God has the right person for me. Someone who will love me, accept me, is supportive and encouraging so that I can live out the potential that God has planted in me; make full use of my gifts.
How and when did I get so haughty that I think I am above all others?
It saddens me. And it fears me to think what other sins I have committed that I am unaware of! It is so easy to fall prey to the devil’s schemes.
Thank God He left me My Guide and Leader, to keep me safe and within the boundaries of His word.
I pray that He humbles me and keeps me lowly at His feet. I am no one without Him. All that I have – favour, blessings, possessions, they are all from Him. I did nothing to gain any of it.
Thank You God!
I thought that J was the one, but now I don’t think so. I think he is way too young to like someone so much older. Of cos I wish it was otherwise and only God knows what is. And for whatever reasons I was attracted to him, I guess and hope that it will pass in time to come. I’m sure (although I had hoped not) that he takes me as a younger sister (I don’t say older cos I don’t look it) and he is just being really kind. I’m sure he will make a great husband and father. And I pray that he will find someone. No. I KNOW that he will have someone, cos God already has the person planned. Its just a matter of time. If he is ready, then perhaps the other person is just not ready and that is why. And its the same for me. Either I am not ready or the person God has in mind is not ready. But I know that I WILL have someone to journey life with, to enjoy this life that God created, to create and leave a legacy. And I refuse to be anxious. And I know that the time is soon. I don’t know when, and it can seem like forever, but I know it is soon. I am excited.
We are to work together for the benefit of each other and pursue God’s kingdom... bring it up a higher level together.
I am excited at the thoughts of it.
And I refuse to let this little thought become a mountain. I AM worthy. I AM beautiful. And I will stop saying negative things about myself. I know it is a way to get compliments. And I know that I have been testing him to see if i can get positive encouragement from him or not. Time to back off. Time to leave him alone. Time to let him have his own time and do his own stuff. My compliments are to come from God. God’s words are to matter more. I should be seeking reassurance from God, not someone else. It has been nice to receive those compliments from him, but he is not my world. God is. So I will place the weight on God’s words.
Thank you Lord for sending someone to help me grow and nurture the gifts that You have placed in me.
Not just the gift of music but also of singing, of confidence, of leading. You have made room for the person you called me to be to grow and blossom.
Thank You Daddy! Thank You for loving me.
Holy spirit, help me to remember this all the days of my life. My worth comes from God, not what people say about me. And I know how easy it is to be sucked in and let what someone thinks of me to override all I know about God and what God says about me. Keep me within the boundaries of God’s words. Thank You!
Monday, July 18, 2011
18 July 2010 - What's happening?
I dont know what is wrong, but somehow I just dont feel like working.
I'm not sure if its cos the stuff I am working on is stale or I am preoccupied with other stuff.
Perhaps both.
And as I learn the guitar and get better at it, I cant help but to feel a burning desire to want to be able to play the songs I hear, be it the same way the original artists played it or in the style that I like.
I find my love for music growing. What is happening? Why is this so?
Is it really my love for music or is it cos of the time that I get to spend with him?
I am frightened.
I dont want to fall in love with someone whom I will never have.
I dont know who God has for me. And I have been through the times when I have replaced God with the person He has placed me with and things fell apart. I am afraid of that happening again the most.
I yearn to have someone to journey life with me, to love me. Yet I fear the pain I experienced from having walked away from God before and I dont ever want to go through that away.
I seem to be in a state of lull. I'm not sad yet I am not totally joyful. There's something heavy on my heart. I dont want that.
:(
help...
:(
I'm not sure if its cos the stuff I am working on is stale or I am preoccupied with other stuff.
Perhaps both.
And as I learn the guitar and get better at it, I cant help but to feel a burning desire to want to be able to play the songs I hear, be it the same way the original artists played it or in the style that I like.
I find my love for music growing. What is happening? Why is this so?
Is it really my love for music or is it cos of the time that I get to spend with him?
I am frightened.
I dont want to fall in love with someone whom I will never have.
I dont know who God has for me. And I have been through the times when I have replaced God with the person He has placed me with and things fell apart. I am afraid of that happening again the most.
I yearn to have someone to journey life with me, to love me. Yet I fear the pain I experienced from having walked away from God before and I dont ever want to go through that away.
I seem to be in a state of lull. I'm not sad yet I am not totally joyful. There's something heavy on my heart. I dont want that.
:(
help...
:(
Thursday, July 7, 2011
5 July 2011 - Lessons from Mr Traffic Light
God uses all things to speak to us – even traffic lights!
Yes... Mr Traffic Light taught me a couple of lessons today.
I am 2 minds about sharing this cos i have come to realise that some lessons that i learn, are JUST for me and not meant to be shared. And when I do share it, most do not understand it! :(
But what the heck... at least this would be a good reminder for me :D
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was blessed to stay over at a friend’s place at Pyrmont these few couple of nights while Hillsong Conference was being held at the Sydney Entertainment centre.
This allowed me the luxury of waking up at the same time, yet able to use my time differently for other things. One of which was to take a nice lovely stroll from his place to Clarence street bus stop.
God used the walk and Mr Traffic Light to remind me of a couple of things and some new ones too.
As I took my walk today, I was reminded that I often went ahead to do things my way, thinking they are best for me and the quickest way to get to my destination. I thought I knew best but I have been shown that I was wrong... many times...
- I remember the time when I jay walked (ran) across the road cos I had missed my traffic light and was wanting to catch my bus which I saw was approaching; only to be stuck in the middle of the road amidst fierce oncoming traffic!
Not only did I miss my bus, but I put myself right in the middle of danger! How useful could that have been?! And how much quicker did I get to my destination?! Errr... I didn’t!!
Lol
I made a conscious effort to wait at the traffic lights, since God was showing me things.
As I did that, the Holy Spirit gently probed me, “My daughter, why do you like taking such unnecessary risks?” “Why are you in such a hurry?” “Dont you trust me?”
To which I replied, “hmmm .... I wanted to get to my destination faster? I want to be faster than the rest of my peers? I DO trust You.... but I thought I would help by moving a little quicker!”
Now... at this point, you would probably think I was silly to even think this way, but unfortunately, that was how I was programmed to think. Yes, yes... blame my past. And I am really making a conscious effort to stop and wait and be patient.
The Holy Spirit pressed on, “Do you REALLY get to your destination faster? Are you better off because you are further ahead of your peers – in career, experience, life, etc? And are you REALLY trusting me by trying to help Me?!”
Well... the answer is obvious already aint it? You know it, and so did I. But how often do we still go ahead to do what we know is not what God wants for us? Just because...
At this moment, I saw a guy jay walk across the traffic light. There was no on-coming traffic and all seemed fine. And I said, “See that guy is getting across the road faster than the rest of us waiting at the traffic light!”
Halfway through, the man changed green in color and the rest of us could cross the road as well. That guy got across the road not more than a few seconds faster than the rest of us.
But at what risks? At what costs?
What IF a reckless driver in a rush to his destination sped round the corner?
What IF there was a car that was turning but went unnoticed by the guy?
That would probably have cost him his life, if not, some serious injury, amidst some of the lesser evil, such as getting in the way of others who had the right of way!
Very often, we do not wait for God’s timing, but try to take things into our own hands. No doubt we get to where we want to go and we get what we want, most times. However, at what expense?
Just like that guy crossing the road, we take the risk of getting into trouble that could have been avoided.
No doubt there might be reckless drivers trying to rush to their destinations and make a turn and crash into us. Well, we live with human beings right? Not all of us are obedient are we? Not even those of us who have a relationship with Christ are obedient, least to say those who are not?!
BUT the risks we run, crossing at the right times, will be much less compared to the times when we refuse to wait for the right timing and takie things into our own hands.
To finish off, whilst waiting at the LAST traffic light at my office, I was so tempted to cross the road as I normally do.... jay walk! And once again, the Holy Spirit asked me, “What’s the hurry? You are almost at your destination.” And I was like, “Yeah... its just across the road. I see no point in waiting! I just missed the lights. Its a whole 2 mins wait.”
My heart quickened with impatience as I waited at the lights. And I argued with the Holy Spirit, “What’s the difference of waiting and jay walking? My heart beats fast too as I jay walk.”
And He replied, “As you wait at the lights, although your heart is beating faster cos of your impatience, you are safe. You are not at risk of getting hurt.” As I paused and thought about it, He added, “I have promised you that I will fulfil My promises made to you. And it is within sight, yet you are feeling impatient about it. Why do you not want to trust Me?”
Yes... why do I not trust God?
Why do I want to take on the stress and worry and anxiety that was not mine to bear?
Do I not believe that God IS sovereign?
John Maxwell said we will never have 2 consecutive good days as leaders, cos we deal with humans!
I guess man (as in humans) have hurt me much before and cos God had allowed it to happen, I do not trust that He has the capacity to keep me safe!
But He HAS promised that He would be my Protector if I would rest in Him.
I don’t think there’s anywhere in the bible that said that we will not have trials and challenges, but God definitely promised that when we do face trials and challenges, He WILL take us out of it and deliver us. And He has. Many times!
In all honesty, IF I believed in God’s sovereignty and TRUST that He is in control, life would be much easier.
รจ I wont be anxious about anything – No worries if my friends are doing better than I; if they were more successful or if they were enjoying life more than I was, or getting more out of life! There will be no comparison. Cos I would know that God knows best for me and my life is different to all and unique and special.
=> I wont worry about being taken for a ride or have to protect myself and my reputation cos God protects me. I don’t have to worry if i am not included in the most exciting campaign or social group or if someone holds a grudge against me and will slander me. If He placed me where I am at, He will keep me there. I don’t have to work hard at keeping my position!
=> I don’t have to worry if i will ever get my desires fulfilled – I can rest and know that God has a mate for me and I don’t have to try to impress anyone to tell/show them that I am good enough and worth their time/risk!
=> I get to life and the gifts and talents that He has given me! I also get to be a blessing to others! How awesome!
Sounds easy and it definitely is WHEN I place my trust in God.
I just love how God uses the little things in my life to daily remind me of His character/principles and His love for me!
He is Awesome!
Yes... Mr Traffic Light taught me a couple of lessons today.
I am 2 minds about sharing this cos i have come to realise that some lessons that i learn, are JUST for me and not meant to be shared. And when I do share it, most do not understand it! :(
But what the heck... at least this would be a good reminder for me :D
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was blessed to stay over at a friend’s place at Pyrmont these few couple of nights while Hillsong Conference was being held at the Sydney Entertainment centre.
This allowed me the luxury of waking up at the same time, yet able to use my time differently for other things. One of which was to take a nice lovely stroll from his place to Clarence street bus stop.
God used the walk and Mr Traffic Light to remind me of a couple of things and some new ones too.
As I took my walk today, I was reminded that I often went ahead to do things my way, thinking they are best for me and the quickest way to get to my destination. I thought I knew best but I have been shown that I was wrong... many times...
- I remember the time when I jay walked (ran) across the road cos I had missed my traffic light and was wanting to catch my bus which I saw was approaching; only to be stuck in the middle of the road amidst fierce oncoming traffic!
Not only did I miss my bus, but I put myself right in the middle of danger! How useful could that have been?! And how much quicker did I get to my destination?! Errr... I didn’t!!
Lol
I made a conscious effort to wait at the traffic lights, since God was showing me things.
As I did that, the Holy Spirit gently probed me, “My daughter, why do you like taking such unnecessary risks?” “Why are you in such a hurry?” “Dont you trust me?”
To which I replied, “hmmm .... I wanted to get to my destination faster? I want to be faster than the rest of my peers? I DO trust You.... but I thought I would help by moving a little quicker!”
Now... at this point, you would probably think I was silly to even think this way, but unfortunately, that was how I was programmed to think. Yes, yes... blame my past. And I am really making a conscious effort to stop and wait and be patient.
The Holy Spirit pressed on, “Do you REALLY get to your destination faster? Are you better off because you are further ahead of your peers – in career, experience, life, etc? And are you REALLY trusting me by trying to help Me?!”
Well... the answer is obvious already aint it? You know it, and so did I. But how often do we still go ahead to do what we know is not what God wants for us? Just because...
At this moment, I saw a guy jay walk across the traffic light. There was no on-coming traffic and all seemed fine. And I said, “See that guy is getting across the road faster than the rest of us waiting at the traffic light!”
Halfway through, the man changed green in color and the rest of us could cross the road as well. That guy got across the road not more than a few seconds faster than the rest of us.
But at what risks? At what costs?
What IF a reckless driver in a rush to his destination sped round the corner?
What IF there was a car that was turning but went unnoticed by the guy?
That would probably have cost him his life, if not, some serious injury, amidst some of the lesser evil, such as getting in the way of others who had the right of way!
Very often, we do not wait for God’s timing, but try to take things into our own hands. No doubt we get to where we want to go and we get what we want, most times. However, at what expense?
Just like that guy crossing the road, we take the risk of getting into trouble that could have been avoided.
No doubt there might be reckless drivers trying to rush to their destinations and make a turn and crash into us. Well, we live with human beings right? Not all of us are obedient are we? Not even those of us who have a relationship with Christ are obedient, least to say those who are not?!
BUT the risks we run, crossing at the right times, will be much less compared to the times when we refuse to wait for the right timing and takie things into our own hands.
To finish off, whilst waiting at the LAST traffic light at my office, I was so tempted to cross the road as I normally do.... jay walk! And once again, the Holy Spirit asked me, “What’s the hurry? You are almost at your destination.” And I was like, “Yeah... its just across the road. I see no point in waiting! I just missed the lights. Its a whole 2 mins wait.”
My heart quickened with impatience as I waited at the lights. And I argued with the Holy Spirit, “What’s the difference of waiting and jay walking? My heart beats fast too as I jay walk.”
And He replied, “As you wait at the lights, although your heart is beating faster cos of your impatience, you are safe. You are not at risk of getting hurt.” As I paused and thought about it, He added, “I have promised you that I will fulfil My promises made to you. And it is within sight, yet you are feeling impatient about it. Why do you not want to trust Me?”
Yes... why do I not trust God?
Why do I want to take on the stress and worry and anxiety that was not mine to bear?
Do I not believe that God IS sovereign?
John Maxwell said we will never have 2 consecutive good days as leaders, cos we deal with humans!
I guess man (as in humans) have hurt me much before and cos God had allowed it to happen, I do not trust that He has the capacity to keep me safe!
But He HAS promised that He would be my Protector if I would rest in Him.
I don’t think there’s anywhere in the bible that said that we will not have trials and challenges, but God definitely promised that when we do face trials and challenges, He WILL take us out of it and deliver us. And He has. Many times!
In all honesty, IF I believed in God’s sovereignty and TRUST that He is in control, life would be much easier.
รจ I wont be anxious about anything – No worries if my friends are doing better than I; if they were more successful or if they were enjoying life more than I was, or getting more out of life! There will be no comparison. Cos I would know that God knows best for me and my life is different to all and unique and special.
=> I wont worry about being taken for a ride or have to protect myself and my reputation cos God protects me. I don’t have to worry if i am not included in the most exciting campaign or social group or if someone holds a grudge against me and will slander me. If He placed me where I am at, He will keep me there. I don’t have to work hard at keeping my position!
=> I don’t have to worry if i will ever get my desires fulfilled – I can rest and know that God has a mate for me and I don’t have to try to impress anyone to tell/show them that I am good enough and worth their time/risk!
=> I get to life and the gifts and talents that He has given me! I also get to be a blessing to others! How awesome!
Sounds easy and it definitely is WHEN I place my trust in God.
I just love how God uses the little things in my life to daily remind me of His character/principles and His love for me!
He is Awesome!
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